the mlc files--I want to believe

[hoosiermama]

Today's the funeral; D is getting ready. I'm going to meet H halfway with her. Trying to be nice.

I have $15 to get thru the next week; I can't send flowers. I will, however, make a donation in his name when I get paid.

Actually, H is giving me a check today. He actually said, in his email, that it's hard to do that when he "experiences blasts of anger from me." Make that when he hears the truth! I said what I said the other night very calmly, very matter-of-fact. I have concerns about D seeing you leading prayer under the circumstances; we've been thru a lot and I think it's confusing to D to see you in this role when I can't even be there, but you're having an affair. Then he blasted ME. And he's going to tie support $$ for his daughter to his feelings about me? And put that in an email? Not smart. Not now. My L will get a copy. I replied to that email saying that it just seems silly to deny the affair at this point; we both know what's going on, we both know the timing; why bother denying it? It's all water under the bridge at this point anyway. Might as well stop denying the elephant in the room. No reply from him. No matter; he still gets what he wants. To play the stellar divorced dad and spiritual leader of the family, getting tons of affirmation with his daughter at his side.

So I'm grocery shopping while she's gone, doing a hospital visit. Cleaning and decluttering. The weather here turned overnight from unseasonably warm and pleasant to cold, cloudy and maybe even snow flurries later. I should do some yard things too.

OK, guys, I'm asking for help here. These next couple of months are going to be exceptionally hard for me. I hate the holidays anyway, but I need to rise above and be super mom. So that the holidays aren't bad for D the rest of HER life. I don't have much support; I don't have family. Friends are busy and probably feeling some compassion fatigue. I don't yet feel comfortable back in my parish. I don't know what I'd do without these boards, and I need you more than ever. Please walk with me through the holidays.