Can't I Take Away All This Pain

[Sugar and Spice]

Just trying to get you to dig deep, Corey.
I personally don't believe it's the gambling alone that got you, your H, and your M to this place. You both played a part. H played his, you played yours. What was it? We know his, and only he can work on that

Here is what got us to where we were. My H worked out of town 8 days and was home for between 4-6 days. He got used to being gone and doing what he wanted to do. When he would come home he still acted like he lived in a Motel. He came and went as he pleased and I was left to be the parent/responsible party. I never got a minute to myself and often when my MIL would take the kids, all I wanted to do was relax and just be with him because I was tired. He wanted to go out or do something, so we drifted apart. After awhile the resentment grew. I resented him having time for himself and the opportunity to have some time away and he resented that I didn't want to go constantly when he was home. We tried, but I think we tried to give the other person what WE needed, not what they needed. I tried many times to tell him how I was feeling and I never felt like he heard me or took me seriously about it, until it was too late. I'm not saying that I was perfect, far from it. I was too busy with my kids and I didn't try and make enough time for us, but in all fairness, neither did he. I didn't force him to turn to someone else, he had the option to try and fix things before they went there and he chose not to. Thats just the truth. Do I look back and wish that I had done things differently? Of course I do, but that doesn't change today.

We actually communicate better now than we have for a couple of years. The sarcasm is not an issue with us. We each give as good as we get, thats just how we have always been. For a long time I tried not saying anything and all that got me was nowhere, I'm not going to hold it in anymore. If that is a hinderance, so be it. I will learn to choose my words more carefully, but I'm still going to say what I need to.

I should have let it go and next time I will, but I didn't yesterday and I'll have to learn from it and get past it.

Don't think for a second that I don't appreciate your insight, you do make me dig and its good for me.

[Maya44]

Hang in there Corey, you moving ahead in this "game" called life and doing the best you can.

[GoingForward]

I can relate to what happened in your sitch. The same pretty much occurred in mine. My H traveled extensively for his then employer, was gone for days, even weeks at a time. Then would come home, but still wasn't really here, IYKWIM. Like your H, my H took a rather huge liking to his newfound "freedom". The guys he worked with were all single, except for one, and that one M'ed guy did nothing but cheat on his W when they were away for work (H told me). So yeah. They didn't make H's choices for him, but they surely weren't the best influences either.

Anyway, I tried it all, too. Tried talking to my H to let him know, "Hey, things are falling apart here, H. What's going on? I am so lonely. Why don't you see this? Why aren't you listening to me?" I tried telling him in the only way I knew how, and it got me nowhere. Nowhere but here.

I didn't force my H either to make the choice that he did. No spouse makes their H or W go out and decide that. There is no one to blame for an A other than the one who committed it themselves.

But what I AM to blame for was what I did to further deteriorate the M. My communication was terrible. I was hurt, angry, disappointed, you name it, and I wanted to be sure H knew, and many times, I wanted him to hurt like I was hurting, so I pointed out every little thing he did wrong. I would remind him of the poor choices he made. Back then, I could not see that this is what I was really doing. But today, I can look back and see that I was just as wrong as H was.

I'm telling you this because I get the sense that this is kind of what's going on in your sitch.

We actually communicate better now than we have for a couple of years. The sarcasm is not an issue with us. We each give as good as we get, thats just how we have always been. For a long time I tried not saying anything and all that got me was nowhere, I'm not going to hold it in anymore. If that is a hinderance, so be it. I will learn to choose my words more carefully, but I'm still going to say what I need to.

I understand the sarcasm. Honestly, I do. H and I were like that for a long time, too. There's nothing wrong when it's all in fun!

I just wonder how it helps your sitch to use it when H does something you disapprove of and then tell him so in this manner. For example, when he was in the park and something happened with his car (I think?), then it was pointed out to him that he wouldn't be in this situation if it weren't for the bad choices he made and continues to make. It's pretty much being rubbed in his face.

Let me explain that I am not bringing up stuff that happened in the past to relive it and say "look where you're 'wrong'". Instead, I'm just giving an example in your sitch of what doesn't work. These fallouts seem to happen quite a bit.

Say what you feel you need to, but try to remember, as you just said, to choose your words carefully. I think if you could do that, you might begin to see some kind of progress. Not necessarily with the M, but with the R.

[Sugar and Spice]

Hang in there Corey, you moving ahead in this "game" called life and doing the best you can.

Thanks.

[Maya44]

Hi Corey! Hope you're having a great day!

((hugs))

[Sugar and Spice]

But what I AM to blame for was what I did to further deteriorate the M. My communication was terrible. I was hurt, angry, disappointed, you name it, and I wanted to be sure H knew, and many times, I wanted him to hurt like I was hurting, so I pointed out every little thing he did wrong. I would remind him of the poor choices he made. Back then, I could not see that this is what I was really doing. But today, I can look back and see that I was just as wrong as H was.

That is exactly how I felt and handled it. Man, I could have written that myself.

I understand the sarcasm. Honestly, I do. H and I were like that for a long time, too. There's nothing wrong when it's all in fun!

I just wonder how it helps your sitch to use it when H does something you disapprove of and then tell him so in this manner. For example, when he was in the park and something happened with his car (I think?), then it was pointed out to him that he wouldn't be in this situation if it weren't for the bad choices he made and continues to make. It's pretty much being rubbed in his face.

You are right and I own it. It did nothing to help, it was just another example of me getting a dig in. Its something I need to seriously work on, for this R or any other that I am in. It doesn't help, it just creates more animosity and hurt...

Let me explain that I am not bringing up stuff that happened in the past to relive it and say "look where you're 'wrong'". Instead, I'm just giving an example in your sitch of what doesn't work. These fallouts seem to happen quite a bit.

Say what you feel you need to, but try to remember, as you just said, to choose your words carefully. I think if you could do that, you might begin to see some kind of progress. Not necessarily with the M, but with the R.

GF its good to bring up the past though because I have to learn from my past mistakes. If I continue a pattern of action that netted me negative results, continuing it will only further the negative results, so having it pointed out is a good learning experience for me. Its a chance to leave alone whats isn't broken but learn from and fix those things that are. I do need to choose my words more carefully and when I am angry or frustrated, reserve my comments for a later time when I am better able to express myself.

You really made me think. I am very reactive and when I make comments that shame or rub his face in it, it has the opposite result of what I want. The other night I was hurt and disappointed and I wanted him to feel as badly as I did and I see that now. It not that what I said wasn't truthful, it just wasn't helpful and he didn't recieve it because of the manner in which it was said. Hmmmmmm, breakthrough? This is my new goal, not only with H but in all my relationships. Man...I am a SCREAMING cancer when it comes to this part of me (Hard shell, retreat but always there with the pinchers if you get close enough to hurt me).

Man GF, you rock...Thanks. I needed this, seriously. I owe you.

Hi Corey! Hope you're having a great day!

((hugs))

Thanks, nobodby has found the bodies so I'm good! And since I haven't said too much here, I can ask you all to be character witnesses without making you accessories after the fact! Sorry I've been neglecting your thread. I will come over this weekend and catch up.

[Maya44]

Sweetheart, no apologies needed! I'm a big ole' boring mess!

[MichelleLT]

((((((Corey)))))))

I finally realized you started a new thread....dork that I am LOL.

I will catch up ASAP!

[whatdidido]

Sugar,

Goingforward is going to be a good resource for you. Whenever we look deep within ourselves we grow. You are doing that. The only person you can change is yourself. Use her advice, see if it makes a difference in your communication with your husband. Goingforward has dealt with the gambling addiction and can help you with that.

You are a strong person. It takes a very strong wife to make changes when their husband is doing things that are seemingly and realistically much worse. My husband is like you.

Hang it there.

[whatdidido]

New thread? what new thread...uh oh, better go find it.