Went to a party with a friend from work (guy) on Sat. My W had said she would take the kids last Saturday night and this Saturday night, so I took the opportunity and brought them over to her in the afternoon and met my friend after that. I had a great time and met some new people that I really get along with very good. A couple of times that night I realized that my W would also really like these people. They would make great friends for us! Anyways, I did have a good time and didn't think about my sitch but a couple of times. I think is was good to show my W that I can make new friends on my own. That's what GAL is!
Had a couple of babysteps again: On Friday I got a haircut and when I dropped off the kids, my W said that my hair looked good! That was nice to hear! Then today we went winter clothes shopping with the kids and she picked out a few sweaters for me and when I tried them on, she said that I looked good in them! Also nice to hear!
Anyways, the babysteps keep coming, so I am feeling good relatively speaking of course!
The last couple of days, and even the last week I would say, I have been feeling pretty good! I try not to think about the R too much and concentrate on work and my hobbies. I have also started cleaning up the house a bit, getting rid of all the clutter. Just figured that if the house looked nicer, it would also be more inviting for her to come home to. Honestly, most of the clutter is hers, but I have decided that that is the way she is and if I can help keep it clear or at least in one room, then I want to help her with that.
I have these moments when I feel so tired of being a single dad half the week, then single period the rest of the week! I really enjoyed coming home to a family at the end of a hard day's work. Now it's sometimes hard to go home, because no one is waiting, except the dog. I am glad she's there though, she does keep me company!
Hi Sam Funny, I just clean up the house a bit, my W's clutter. I know exactly what you mean. My dog is the only one waiting me when I come home. I took her to the doggie park this afternoon. It is nice to get out... Keep adding those baby steps.... You can do this.
NW626
Me:33 STBXW:38 S:3 It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you fight the fight....!!
Thanks nw! Good to know there are others out there in my sitch....
On Tuesday, my W calls me to tell me about her 42 yr old woman friend that recently divorced, how she's now stalking a 24yr old guy she had a relationship with that he broke off (not sure whether that started before she got divorced or not). My W was in her car with her while she was chasing the guy through town! My W told em she feared for her life as she was speeding through red lights, etc... etc... She said she had a crazy look in her eyes, just insane. I guess my W felt she needed to talk to someone about it and she called me! Then later that night she called again to talk more. Feels like she's emotionally connected and intimate with me, telling me everything that's on her mind, even other people's R's (but not our R). So I liked that, made me feel good!
I think the real thing I have trouble with is keeping up the PMA when it seems we go back a few steps. The last phone conversation ended with her telling me that she would call me the next day. Of course, as I already half expected, no call. I guess I get my hopes up too high when she says these things and then I go in a downward spiral, seeing only the bad things that are happening. But I feel a little better this morning again. It's been basically a year since ILYBNILWY and 4.5 months since she moved out and I just wish things would move a little quicker, especially with the holidays coming up. Don't know what to do with all these invitations to Xmas parties, etc...
I do realize I need to give her more time though. I have gone through a mini MLC between fall 2005 and fall 2007 (when she told me ILYBNILWY is when I was finally feeling better!!), so she's had to deal with me for 2 yrs, now it's my turn. I just read the MLC chapter in DR and it sounds just like me 3 yrs ago. Kind of scary! My W did not have DR then (still doesn't that I know of), so I just think she took things personally (which is COMPLETELY understandable!!) and thought that it was over, grieved and got over it. Then she threw herself on her new business and it's not going well, it's just costing her money right now. Together with having to pay for all of her housing and bills, she's hit "rock bottom financially" (her words during our last R talk on 10/13). Now that she realizes that it wasn't over and I am out of it, she's the one that "lost" the feelings. I don't want to be in that position when she comes out of it, so I am trying to hold on!
We are going to a concert on Sat, so we'll see how that goes. Thing is, when we do go on dates, we have a GREAT time, it's just like old times, except we don't hold hands or anything like that. Every time we see each other, she hugs me and kisses me goodbye... Just keep wanting more!
Need to keep looking for babysteps to help keep up PMA!!!
Sam I know it is hard to keep the PMA going, but we HAVE to. It seems like communications between you and W has been good. Keep that up, but don't be pushy, let her open up to you. Show her you are always here to listen. Like you said, babysteps is the key...nice and steady. Have fun on Sat....let her take the lead. We are all pulling for you.
NW626
Me:33 STBXW:38 S:3 It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you fight the fight....!!
What I am trying to be for her is a best friend. A person she can come to for help, to talk, to vent, etc... but sometimes I wonder if that is also too easy for her. I don't give in to every request from her either, I always ask her to compromise. Like this morning, she asked me if I could do her a favor and take the boys tonight, so she could work on preparing for a show tomorrow. I said ok, but she will have to keep them for a couple of hours after school and then bring them, so I won't have to leave early from work. She said that that would be great and said that that would help her out tremendously. I want to be there for her, but at the same time, I also want her to feel what it's like when I am not there, for her to miss me. But that's really hard to do when you are constantly in touch about kids and stuff...
I always let her come to me and I rarely contact her unless it's something urgent or logistics that have to do with the kids.
Mostly, I just let her do her thing and try not to get upset about anything she does. Try not to get my hopes up... I am just having a hard time again this week....
I think you're on the right track with your W and balancing being there for her and being there for yourself. It sounds like she was agreeable to what you said, and you're right, you can't be at her beck and call. That's not healthy for you and I'm guessing unattractive to her.
My sitch is similar in that it has been a year since I got the bomb. You are going on dates! That's wonderful! She calls YOU when she's upset or scared. That is great! I know how hard it is not to jump for joy when you hear something positive and wonder, ok when are we getting back together, lets work on us, lets go! This part of the climb is so fragile, and so important. Try as much as possible to have no expectations. This keeps you in "moving forward" mode until your W can say to you that she wants you back. Keep venting to us. Don't be needy or clingy. Show confidence. Show off that new, improved Sam! She will continue to respond to that.
Me:33, H:34 T10, M8 S4,S3,S9m ILYBINILWY 11/07 Separation 1 2/08-8/08 Back Home 8/08-10/08 Separation 2 10/08- Too many bombs to count:(
I know! It's hard to keep a certain distance when your spouse is showing these little improvements. I am trying to set low expectations when I know she's coming over to bring the boys or pick them up. I also took Sandi2's advice and shave before she comes, then put on some aftershave so I smell good. I make sure I am wearing something that I know makes me look good.
I hope we can make some progress before the holidays, but I am trying not to get my hopes up too much.
I try not to think about the R too much and concentrate on work and my hobbies. I have also started cleaning up the house a bit, getting rid of all the clutter. Just figured that if the house looked nicer, it would also be more inviting for her to come home to. Honestly, most of the clutter is hers, but I have decided that that is the way she is and if I can help keep it clear or at least in one room, then I want to help her with that.