Trying2live-Post #4

[Babygirl]

I have been doing 180's also, I forgot to mention I do have one part of my GAL that is a literal GAL, I am taking chemo right now, so some days after it I really cant get out of the house, but I do try. and true it does make H crazy lol!

I had a huge laugh on sunday.......... I will share it with you from my post the other day.


you know when I was talking to smw a bit ago, I told her the story of how god literally stopped me in my tracks sunday morning. lets call the story the beer box and the orange can......

ya'll know I was upset about H being gone all nite, and then rushing straight to the shower the moment he walked in the door. well It infuriated me. how dare him? how was on gonna ride on a harley with a man who had been gone, and probably with her?? as I said on mt's post, I was gonna go in there and rip him about 5 new ones!! on my stomping threw the kitchen on my way to do it, mumbling to god that it was about to get ugly, I accidently kicked the box of beer on the floor, I looked down and what did I see? an orange beer can in the box!! (we drink keystone, and they have been advertising for a while now, find the special orange can, years ago one of the pop companies had done similar and if you found it, you won money) I immediately start screaming and jumping all over!!! H comes running in, wondering WTF had happened, I could just scream, we got the orange can we got the orange can. So we grab up the box, spilling the rest of the cans lol, to see what we won!! omg I had finally won something!!! guess what I won??? the special orange can!!! thats it. no money no prize lol, I was so embarressed. we both started laughing so hard, it is a cool looking can tho, 2 beer cans on it with antelors, fighting like the bucks do! I forgot I was on my way to rip him, finished getting ready, so we could go on the toy run.

After thinking of this, I realized that was gods way of keeping me from ripping him 5 new ones. God knew it was the wrong time and thing for me to do. So he stopped me, literally in my tracks. He also gave me a gift, that orange can is something worth winning and is almost as good as money. Its a symbol. Ironic, that the can has the two cans with antelors butting heads dont you think? THEY are fighting the fight, so I didnt go do it myself. I have a shelf in the living room, above the couch, it has our cowboy hats on it, my little coors light birthday keg H gave me years ago, when things were good I had saved, and a couple other cool beer bottles on it. I am putting that can up there too. and when I look at it, I will remember to let go and let god do the fighting for me.

That my friends, is my sermon of the day, when you get mad and angry and want to do something you know is gonna not have a good outcome, or that God won't approve of stop and pray to god, for your orange beer can. let him do the fighting for you. off my soap box for the day lol!

ohhhh and if you need your own orange can, you can log onto keystone website and they will send you an empty one lol!!!!!

[Trying2live]

Oh yeah I remember, Hmmm.

Do you know his needs yet(I know I know not again-in the SAA book?)

It would really help to know his needs so you are able to meet them even when dealing with these sticky issues. Like this lemme show you what I mean.

I am a stay at home wife and mom, have been so our entire marriage so I rely fully on im as we were married right out of high school. I do not know how much he makes and know he is keeping some for him self I dont know how much.

So I know his needs and I try this experiment 2 weeks ago. My h has a huge need for admiration. so I send him this email saying how much I appreciate and respect him for putting in money every week and keeping his word and thanking him for showing his love this way. Ok ya ready for this....the very next payday which was just a few days later he put his whole check in and called me and said I put the whole check in and I need to borrow 12$. It was then that I realized the power of emotional needs. A human will do almost anything to meet an emotional need. So i dealt with a sticky situation by meeting a need....its brilliant.

I guess that's why I recommend the SAA book so much. ITs a solid focused proven plan-yes its 50/50 but thats no different that the odds now.

I'm glad he is agreeing and its good that you are not trusting him(NO EXPECTATIONS). This keeps you protected.

[faithrunner]

I did the laughter challenge last night and forgot to mention it! I was cracking up at the kids, and H came in curious. I made a few jokes and he was laughing, too. It was great.

When he called this morning I made him laugh on the phone twice. That doesn't sound earth-shattering, but for the longest time that just wasn't happening at all!

I forgot my main GAL, I run, alot. Love it! When H comes over early in the morning during the week to take the kids to school, I buzz right out the door and hit the streets. Quick hi, thanks for coming, and I'm off!

[faithrunner]

That is a great point, T2L. I remember that story. I think I can praise him for being a good dad. This is the most important thing to him, he mentions it all the time and it makes him cry. So, I'll try to build him up for taking the kids out and admire him once they come home (even though I'll be shaking with anxiety). He did say over and over earlier this week "if i had known how much breakfast with OW would hurt you, I would never have done it."

I think he gets it, but still no expectations.

[Trying2live]

That's good that he said that, a moment of fog lifted.

But I really want you to get the SAA book if you haven't so you can take the test and be sure you don't commit LB's.

You want H needs to pin point accurate so it is effective. If he has a need for domestic support and you are trying to meet a need by affection then you can see how it will not be effective.

Get the book and take the test in the back.....its going to be helpful for everyone here.

[faithrunner]

Hey T2L, I found the emotional needs qa on Harley's website. Am I supposed to do it from H's point of view? I got nervous when you said domestic support b/c this is always what he is trying to do for me, and that makes me think that's what he wants. If that's true, maybe I should go with him Sunday?

So confused!

[Trying2live]

Yes take the test like you are him. IT will explain each of the needs or at least it does in the book, some of domestic is household stuff, cooking, cleaning, childcare stuff I'm sure there is more I think it breaks it down.

So yes take it like you are him and be very honest.

By the way guys its prolly best you spouses don't find all these books and resources. Let em just wonder about all the new changes in you(180 on stuff they complained about).....

[faithrunner]

Ok, thanks. Then at the end it asks me to rate the needs. Is there a way to score it?

[hope3343]

Hi everyone, Wow - lots of activity on this thread today!
{{{{{{{twin hope}}}}}}}}}}}}} you were missed. I was worried about ya. Glad you are doing well and GAL.

Welcome Baby Girl. T2L runs a great stich here and it keeps our sanity on most days. So you mentioned that you are going for chemo? Are you ok and how is it going. How nice to be hit with that and a cheating spouse. Everything at once. But when the good comes it will come in waves. I know this.

T2L, or should I say night owl, like you I used to stay up very late but lately I go to bed before midnight. I feel exhausted at night which never used to happen. But I am trying to follow what my body is trying to do and listen to it.

I saw my H today. I had mail for him and he asked if I could stop at his desk. It started off well, we discussed work and had a pretty good conversation and he was asking about D15. I filled him in what she was up to, H told me he texted her but she did not answer. H said I don't know what to do -- so I asked what did the C say? (he asked for the # last week), H said I haven't called him. I did not say anything. I said I know she is mad but maybe show up for church or something like that even if you don't sit with her (was that ok to say?). Then his secret phone rings, H hits the silence button and looks panicky. I said well I can see you are busy and will go. H says don't start...I said well at least she gave me the best laugh yesterday. H says this is why I don't like to talk to you. (yes I screwed up), I left and then sent him an e-mail saying "I'm sorry the end of our conversation got screwed up. I try to detach from you but sometimes the leftover hurt comes out. We just miss you" ok T2L, take out the whipping post. I do well and then boom I get emotional. This darn Italian blood is the death of me!

I tried to redeem myself. We had our 1 pm staff meeting, I went in and did not acknowledge him. Sat down so his back was to me. I looked in the opposite direction. I saw H turn around a couple of times to see what I was doing. I never looked directly at him. They talked about our X-mas party and encouraged us all to go. (we went last year together and the OW went with her then BF). The meeting ended, I was the first one up and out the door so H did not think I was trying to talk to him. Won't see him now till next week.

I need to follow what T2L says about concentrating on the holidays with our families. I have been dreading going back to CT to visit everyone. I have always enjoyed it but this year my heart is heavy that H will stay here with OW for both X-mas and New Year. I am sure OW is loving it that we will not be around and trying to make a new tradition with H. I keep praying that the more H is with her the more he will tire of her. Need to keep posting to keep my sanity. Glad I am supported here and we give support to each other.

[faithrunner]

Hope, I think you saying "I can see you're busy" was very neutral and non-judgemental. He was the one that chose to snap. He was the one who lost his self-control.

And, he doesn't like to talk to you about that stuff b/c YOU'RE RIGHT! He couldn't even try to defend her!

I think it was good the way you distanced from him at the meeting. He was more concerned about you than you were about him.

Also, turkey day is still three weeks away, and another 4 until Xmas. Try not to worry about those days yet. A lot could happen between now and then. Besides, you know that it will be sad for H to be stuck with OW on the holidays w/out his family. That will hit him hard! He already worries about D15 constantly, maybe holidays without her will be the kick in the pants he needs. Maybe a little fog will lift . . .