I have been posting mainly in the Newcomers forum and also have a thread in the Midlife Crisis forum. I decided to start a thread here since the name of the forum really speaks to me. Mostly, I plan to journal here but please feel free to comment if the fancy should strike you.
My H left me 3 months ago and most days I find myself saying, "Okay, now what?"
I had a visit with my IC today and while I usually leave those sessions feeling better, that is not the case today. Though I think feeling low has more to do with the approaching weekend than anything else. Weekends are so hard for me, as I am sure they are for most of the people on this website.
My C mentioned to me that I am experiencing a typical dichotomy that someone going through profound loss experiences: grief at the same time one gets stronger. The DR is really helping me get stronger and stronger. Not to mention all of the support I am getting on this site. My C asked me how I have been doing and I replied that everyone I know says I seem better and better but I still cry everyday and feel so desperately sad. That's when he said the bit about the dichotomy.
It is really difficult to remain hopeful when one is grieving a loss at the same time. I am trying hard to figure out how to do this.
I am working very hard at GAL and maintaining a PMA but each day finds me facing the same old struggle. I am in a constant battle against memories. I HATE forcing myself to stop remembering happy, wonderful times. I HATE that these wonderful memories are currently a cause of deep pain. I HATE avoiding pictures of us. I HATE crying and missing my H. I HATE that I have no idea whether or not he misses me. I HATE that from the outside it seems like leaving me was the easiest thing he has ever done. I HATE that the only solace I have right now comes from two little unsolicited emails from H that really don't say much at all. I HATE that he says that he does not want to reconcile with me in such a defensive tone as if my desire to reconcile is something he must guard against - as if it is an attack against him. I HATE that I do not get to know the future. I HATE that I am now sad every single day of my life.
