Is this worth saving, or am I only fooling myself?

[Dash]

Just journaling ... sort of.

I re-read the email my WAW sent to me yesterday. I'm noticing a pattern. Every time she emails me they're shorter and shorter. Always some excuse, too tired, sick, just not feeling "chatty", on her way out, too busy, baby needs her. Do their lies ever stop? Do they ever stop lying to themselves?

When I was allowing her to call me every night the conversations got longer and longer. But since I've asked her not to contact me except where our son is concerned, the emails are very short and seem almost hateful.

I think DBing is a good plan for a lot of people. But the more I think about it, the more I begin to wonder if it's really for me. How can I repair a relationship when I'm the only one willing? When I'm the only one that has recognized that I too have ownership in the breakdown of the relationship.

The more I think about her, the more I realize how broken she truly is. How easily she gives up on things that she supposedly loves (I still have her cat). How easily she gave up on us and moved on.

How can I convince her that she needs to get help with her emotional issues? It's a rhetorical question. The plan fact is, I can't.

I'm a "fixer" by nature. I'm a servicer. I like to create things to show my love. Hand made wooden jewelry boxes, a table for the television, poetry, hand written letters. Flowers for no reason, a card in the mail just because, a note on the bathroom mirror or taped to the television, "Hope you have a great day. I love you."

None of which I've done in the past couple of years, but after her secretly planning to leave me and me finding out on so many occasions, I just gave up. I stopped doing all the things that I thought I was doing to show her I loved her.

Once she said to me, "Poetry is no big deal. Lots of guys have written me poetry." I haven't written a poem since then.

I'm not really down about it, just facing reality I think. I know, patience is supposed to be the key. But while she has him to turn to, where does that leave me? Puppy said it best, "Limbo sukks!" How much patience is needed? Six months? A year? Two years? I'm not getting any younger. And I can't help but wonder if she really ever loved me and if she knows what love really is. I don't know that I knew what it meant until now.

She has the "tough guy" mentality. Never let anyone see that you care or that you're hurt by anything and sweep it under the rug and maybe it will stay there. How do I get through to someone like that? If I couldn't do it while we were together, what chance do I have now? Especially with her being so far away.

Maybe it's time to just accept that some marriages really can't be saved no matter how much one person wants it. Maybe some marriages shouldn't be saved.

I also question my own motives. I know I love her, but am I in love with her? Or is it that I just enjoy being married? I enjoy having my family together.

How could things have gotten so screwed up and how could I have ignored the fact that they were?

How's that old saying go? If you love something, set it free, if it comes back, it's yours, if it doesn't, it never was.

Maybe it's time to just set us both free.

Dash