I think I'm done......saddened, but strong.....

[Silent Chrleader]

Well I've been lurking and DB'ing on my own and hoping for several months now. My sitch is nothing special. Typical MLC as far as I can see. But, I think I may be done now. My H is beyond hope and without honor or integrity. I don't know where the good man I thought I had married went, and I will always miss him and love him for the rest of my life. But, the man in his skin now is not someone I can even respect.

The reason for this change is that he Wednsday, H called and accused our S17 of breaking into his apartment drinking some of his booze and smoking cigars and leaving the door unlocked when he left. H has given S17 a key and said he was welcome there anytime. H has also in the past several months in his fog be S17's "best buddy" and given him booze and smokes, etc. So it would be no wonder that S17 might "help himself". But S17 says he didn't do it, and seems very sincere. H called S17 a liar and said some really nasty things and S17 hung up on him. When H called back, I answered the phone and tried to get him to calm down and H told me I was only believing S17 because I was "trying to win his love". S17 has been very difficult with me for these past months and seemed to "take his Dad's side" although we tried to not put him in the middle in any way.

Well, S17 blew a gasket with H over telling me that, and grabbed the phone from me and proceeded to cuss H out. After which, S17 and I had a long talk where a LOT of stuff that S17 has been holding inside bubbled over the surface. Specifically that H had been in PA with his Secretary and H told S17 and expected him to keep the secret! H also has been telling S17 about going out trying to pick up girls at bars (i.e. getting the wild adolescence he never got). He never planned to keep the promise he had made me to "get back together" and "try again" after the seperation. He does not plan to sell the dream house we just finished this summer (which was financed by loans I took on my retirment) He had agreed that if we divorce, we would sell everything and split it all up and have a "clean break". The idea of him in that house that we designed together and went through 3 years of planning and building makes me sick!

S17 told me the reason he has been so angry at me was that he tried to "hint" at what H was doing while still not "breaking man law", but I couldn't see it and he was frustrated with me. And the more H ran amok, the more S17 lost respect and understanding for him and now he just doesn't want any contact with H. This is very sad to see because he idolized his Dad.

I can't believe my H put our son in that position and hurt him so deeply. I went to H's appartnment, and I was there about an hour. I was so proud of myself. I told him to look me in the eye and see that there were absolutely no tears. And I told him I wanted him to know that he hadn't broken me! I told him what I still felt an believed about the worthiness of "standing" and applying oneself to a lifelong relationship. I told him that I was glad he left because I had grown so much and I was a better person today for it. I also told him (not for the first time) that I saw the contribution I had in the breakdown of our marriage and I was sincerely sorry for it. But, I also told him that without integrity and honor, he is not the good man I believed him to be. That he had sat with our son drinking beer and smoking cigars and in a drunk stupor layed this burden of knowledge on our son and allowed him to carry that secret for months. And this was how he chose to teach our son to be a man!! This was the example he set! And our S17 was so grateful for the "quality" time he was getting from his Dad and idolized him! It makes me so angry I could spit!! I told him that if, when he saw our son next, he did not hug him and tell him how proud he was of him for telling the truth and how wrong he was to put him in that position, then he was truly without hope! And lastly, I told him that I never in my wildest dreams ever thought that I would be so very ashamed OF MYSELF for choosing a man such as him to be the example I wanted for my kids to follow. (I know this was definitely NOT DB, but right now I really don't care) At that point I gave him my key to his apartment and walked out. For the whole conversation, I never cried, or yelled, or anything like that. I was strong and direct and told the absolute unvarnished truth! And I'm proud of me!

Yesterday, S17 and I had sessions with Our IC was actually angry at H too for his deception even when in session, and we both really thanked and praised S17 for having the courage to tell the truth....This morning H called me asked me to tell S17 to call him because he want to apologize and S17 won't answer the call. I told him I would speak with S17, but I would not make him do anything. And then I ask H to do one other thing for me. I told him to ask his Secretary for a health certificate. He had unproteced sex with her and then had sex with me (this makes me sick to think about! I have never been with anyone else, and neither had he!!). I reminded him that his secretary had cheated on every relationship she was ever in, and therefore couldn't be "trusted". So, I asked to please not embarass me or her by forcing me to go and ask her for it myself. He said he would take care of it.

Next Thursday we have an MC appointment (our first in months). H says he still plans to go. I know he thinks I want to go because I am still not letting go. That is not the case. I simply don't want to leave my marriage without complete understanding of what went wrong and why so I can learn from this not take it forward with me. And for my self respect, I want to do the best I can to demand that he respect me and the life we built together by being honest with both me and himself!! In the presence of our counselor, I want to "hold his feet to the fire" and not allow him to do any more of the verbal tap dancing he has done so much of. He will be held accountable! I know I can't make him do anything, but he will have to accept the responsibility of make the decision quitting and walking away without doing justice for our children!!

So, I know I fell of the DB wagon in a big way, but in large part I feel I am on the right path. I feel stronger and calmer. I have a better relationship with my kids than I ever did! And I have an appointment on Monday with a lawyer too.

Don't know quite what I am looking for by posting this. Maybe just some understanding from others that feel the same way about marriage as I still do! Everyone I know, even my H's mother, says I need to forget all about him and move along! (And she is a staunch Catholic!!) But it still breaks my heart to see him kicking to the curb everyone that should really matter in his life, and even his mother doesn't think he will ever change and see it.

My heart is broken.