Trying2live-Post #4

[Trying2live]

Faith I think saying no to the plans was a good move, maybe when you see him thank him for the invitation and say let me know if you do this again I may be free to go with you all. It's good to accept some and turn down some so you did great!

I think over all you did fabulous the other night, no LB's so this is very good. Bravo! Bravo!

How is your GAL going? I know I sound like a broken record but it's so important and she put it in the book so don't skip it ok.

[Babygirl]

I think you did great faithrunner!! I am proud of you! thanks for telling me where to come to find out!!

wow, this whole thread has given me so much to think on. T2L wow you are so strong!!!!!

[Trying2live]

Welcome Babygirl! Hey guys welcome her!!!

Glad you stopped by. Come here anytime to vent or ask questions. I don't always go out of this thread mostly for laziness. So come here anytime.

If you can go to our last thread Trying2Live-New post #3(this one is 4) and read through It. I think we posted so much really really good information on that last post.

Have you finished DB/DR? I ask everyone this so your next LOL What are you doing as past of your GAL? I started salsa lessons when this all started. find something creative that you wouldn't normally do.

So if you want tell us a little about your situation, and only if you feel comfortable.

[twinhope]

Hello Everyone!
Sorry I haven't been around it has been a crazy month with my new job and lots of GAL, going to a wedding, to DC, out with friends very busy! Well it took me a while to catch up and I see that we have some newcomers welocme faith and ALL.

T2L, I am happy to see that your Plan A is going well. I am very impressed. It really does work! But I know you don't have any expectations and that is the way to go! Good luck!

I am also happy to see the progress that all of you are having. I really see that everyone is growing and by being away from the board for so long. I had a lot of reading to do and saw progression. You are all so strong!

Update: I have been for the month of Oct detaching from my H. I did like we are suppose to and I have been GAL big time. I have been taking jewelry making classes. I have been doing that alot on top of every weekend having something to do. I had called my girls to say goodnight last tues. and they are almost 3. My one D was mentioning the OW to me and my H yelled at her. I had a real problem with that. It is not her fault that she talks of the OW to her mom and if you are going to put it in front of her, you can't yell at her b/c she talks about it. I decided that I have stayed quiet long enough. In a nice, non-threatening manner I addressed the issue. Of course he was defensive, mad, and angry. He said that I was only saying something b/c I don't like them together. He then turned the conversation into a R talk and how I have been so mean to him lately. I never talk to him and that I am pushing him away. He doesn't know why I don't put him first and make him a priority. Wow the fog was thick! I listened and responded at times and went against DB and told him I do care about him but the fact that he is with an OW speaks loudly to me and what does he expect from me. He told me that he missed me, the girls, everything and that he is scared b/c if he were to give it another chance that he will get hurt all over again. I told him that I can't be around him, talk to him that it is too painful and if he cares about me that he would understand. We talked for over an hour and mind you the OW was there and he was in his room while she was with my children. There was more talk and alot of him telling me his is stressed out, having money troubles, feels I am treating him bad. wha wha wha.

The next day I received a text from him saying:
H-I hope you are having a good day. I am troubled by our conversation. I am stressed out and I want you to know that I am not against you. I am on your side.

I had no idea what this meant but I said that I did not like that he is stressed and thanks. Then that night he sent a text asking if he could come trick or treating with me and the girls. I am so confused. I made it clear to him how hard it is to see him, talk to him, have him give me hugs when he sees me. If this is what he wants he needs to let me be but no he makes arrangements to act like a family and go trick or treating.

What do you guys think! Glad to be back!

[faithrunner]

Thanks, T2L and BG! I appreciate your support so much. BG, I just responded to your thread, too. Please join us whenever you want to

As for GAL, on Sunday I am going with a friend to hear a speaker at her church and brunch (while H takes the boys to a train museum - that was the invite), so for most of the morning I'll be on my own. I need to make plans for next week. I am a little nervous about this Sunday, b/c of what happened last sunday during GAL time. Since he wrote the addendum in the sep. agreement, I don't think he'd do it again, but I'm still not totally trusting him. And, I don't think I should mention it, right? I mean, telling him "I know OW won't be there, right H?"

[Babygirl]

ahhhhhhh thank you for the welcome!! I have read DB, pretty isolated out here so I am hoping to find a library to start checking out books more often!

GAL? hmmmmm again lol, isolated so my gal is diff from most peoples. found a new church, a new prayer friend, I am not asking for permission to do anything anymore.

I dont know what all people think, but a big part of my GAL is the love dare book, its helping me find forgiveness, if that makes any sense. its been good for me mostly, last nite was iffy but it was a HUGE 180 for me!! so it does go with alot of the DB princples.

[Trying2live]

TwinHope,
A bit of fog lifted and it does at times. This is good. maybe the love nest isn't so lovely. It's one thing to have an affair but its a whole other when you gotta wake up to that person every morning. But remember have NO EXPECTATIONS right now even with the fog lifted cuz it comes back down quickly. Expect this kind of behavior but what he is saying really a good sign. I'm not sure how much of the 3rd thread you got to read but it's worth going through.


Some of what we said was how the R as we knew it is gone. It must completely start over. 1st thing is reduce negative emotions by very little contact and when you do see them be cheerful as possible if the situation allows. Then really you have to start the R almost at being friends again.

First I wanna say I think it's perfectly fine to address him about the OW and parenting your children. Make sure when you do this you do not commit Love Busters(have you gotten the SAA book yet? It explains Love busters).

Ok this is my recommendation, and I think you need to kinda move quick on this because he is starting to waffle.

OK if you haven't please go get the SAA immediately, go to the back of the book take the test in your H's place and find out what his top 5 emotional needs are. be as honest as you can so you can accurately pinpoint it. Once you read it think about if the Plan A and Plan B are for you.

And this is super important too what were your H's complaints, start 180'ing them ASAP, as he is waffling.

This is what I did. Cut off almost all contact the 1st 5 months. Had to he was crazy and If i argued with a crazy man guess what that makes me LOL. Then read SAA in September Implemented Plan A October 3rd, H is responding ridiculously well(but I still Have NO EXPECTATIONS) I have shown him 180's also in these areas. H complained that I didn't listen to him so I am quieter and listen more intently when he is speaking, I didn't initiate sex (never denied it either) so I began perusing him until he caved 3 weeks ago and now I am the OW(this stuff is for movies man LOLOLOL) he as cheated on her 5 times(with me whoohoo), and I also gave H a lap dance which I learned from a e-course, and he loved it and thanked me for it and said i did a good job. Those are my 180's.

I love that your H is waffling but I think you need to get a really good plan in effect. It really sounds like he would do well in SAA since he is already missing you and I do believe that he is (NO EXPECTATIONS) sorry I hate to keep saying that but it has saved me from being an emotional wreck.

What do you think Twin?

[Trying2live]

A I am a little nervous about this Sunday, b/c of what happened last sunday during GAL time. Since he wrote the addendum in the sep. agreement, I don't think he'd do it again, but I'm still not totally trusting him. And, I don't think I should mention it, right? I mean, telling him "I know OW won't be there, right H?"

Can you refresh me I don't know what your referring to. Sorry LOL

[faithrunner]

He told me to relax, have fun. Took the kids and decided to call OW to meet them at breakfast. We had agreed before he moved out that this would not occur, so he deliberately crossed that boundary. That's what lead to the big explosion I wrote about at the end of our third thread.

So, he added to our agreement last monday that this wouldn't happen again until we mutually agreed about it. I'm just not fully trusting him yet.

[Trying2live]

BG,
I'm glad you are starting to get out. Can you find anything creative to invest in yourself to GAL? Something that is fun, I know you mentioned you are far out, but even if you have to drive in somewhere for a half hour, its a half hour well spent and for you. Plus it's really good for the spouses to see you GAL and still living. It shows confidence and care towards your self AND....confidence is attractive!

These walkaways or betraying spouses expect us to stop living and focus all our energies on them as an A is the epitome of being self centered. That's part of the reason to GAL. My H was really bothered and mock my salsa lessons when this all started. He expected me to beg, plead, chase and stop living. He even said that to me 1 month in. H says if you want me so bad why aren't you begging me back. Sorry bud, you gonna come back on your own, if we beg them then they can leave again because they came at our begging. Please try and find something fun to GAL to invest in yourself.

Some of the girls here have joined dance class, someone just said this morning jewelry making class, some go to yoga and have started the gym. There are endless possibilities....ballroom dancing, singing lessons, piano or music lesson etc etc. Look in your parks and rec guides too they offer a lot of classes and for cheap.

Have you started to 180 in areas?

If there is one thing I can say is that Confidence, cheerfulness, laughter is attractive. Begging, pleading, reasoning, moping is unattractive. And we wanna be attractive!!

Oh Yeah girls how many of you took my laughter challenge? find something daily to laugh at. And laugh in front of H as much as possible....ewe its so confident and so sneaky LOLOLOL.