Another one bites the dust (2)

[No Longer BH]

Thank you all for your opinions and advice.I agree I am no where ready for any kind of R. Was just hoping to meet some males that I could be "buddies" with in order to feel more comfortable around the opposite sex. I like the idea of volunteering. I will look into that.

Ok, I want to share some things that I have learned from this journey about A's. First, even when you think you have detached something comes along and smacks you to show you exactly how you are not detached yet. I have been keeping contact to a minimum for my sake and it really has helped. I have been GAL to the hundreth degree and am a social butterfly at this point. Most days there is a smile on my face and I am trying to let go of the bitterness....I know this is the hardest part. I am telling you this because I truly thought I had dropped the rope and shut the door. My STBX SIL called me and said she met OW last night. STBXH took her to meet the family. She said that OW was not very attractive and over weight (already knew this) and did not have much of a personality. She said when they left she looked at her H and they both agreed that my STBXH and OW just did not fit together. Her telling me this hurt so much because it reminds me that he is moving forward with his R with OW. I guess I could look at it like now they are in the real world and their warts will start to show soon, but it is so hard to do that.

The second thing I have learned from reading over and over and over again is that the A will not last. I say it with conviction because the few that do are so rare and far between. He is only 5 months out from D-day and they are just now starting to play house. He picked her when he was in a depressed state (which is typical for when men have their A) and was not using good judgment with: the fact he thought an A was ok, and with the partner he chose. So I say the A will not last because I do believe that to be true.

Third, when the WAS is in an A relationship, there is no way to "win" them back. Their attention is on the OP and any attempts to engage with them will only: be seen as desperate or boost their egos so they dont feel bad about what they are doing. The best course of action with a WAS who is not willing to give up the OP is to go NC.

Fourth, NC has allowed me to seperate myself from most of the pain that his A would cause me if I was around. It has shown me how to keep moving on with my life, how to pick myself up from the boot straps. If I was constantly engaging with him, I would constantly be looking for signs that he wanted to come back home. That only keeps me stuck and emotionally unhealthy. Going NC does not, however, wake them up or make them miss us. They already have their attention some place else. Of course they are not going to miss us because their AP is filling them at at that moment. The NC is for ME.

Now here is the kicker. I truly believe once the A is over, then NC has the effect of making them miss us. When they truly are alone, they start to remember all of the good times they had with us and crave to have it back. NC is to the LBS a way of out of sight out of mind, but to the WAS no longer in the A, distance makes the heart grow fonder.

From so much of what I have read, the majority of the time (not always, but mostly) the WAS will try and reconnect with the LBS after the A. Many times the LBS does not see it for what it is or they are just no longer willing to be with them anymore. It seems, when it is all said and done that the LBS truly is the one who gets to make all of the important decisions.

So, these are my thoughts about this journey. I am taking things day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute. I try not to have fear in my heart because I know that no matter what I will be ok. Still, today is a reminder of how far I still need to go. Trying to let the hurt go now.........