Trying2live-Post #4

[TxMomw/2girls]

I get all sorts of mixed reviews on exposing...

My H is out of the house but most don't know he is seeing another women or that he left us for her. His family was NO support... his Mom has not talked to him or me for that fact but nothing was sad to him... they said they won't judge.. ridiculous.. they are a very non-confrontational family and hold things in just like my H did and never shared that he wasn't happy with me. so that was a waste.

My family of course doesn't see him and won't so that is no help.

the OW is in his business and those are the people that don't know and if I told anyone it wouldn't come from a place of them "helping" ... I just asked him yesterday who all he has told even that we are separated and he said no one but his boss and gave no details... I would want his boss to know and I could send an anyonoums email to him but not sure what that would get me... and I wouldn't want him to think it was me. that is why I haven't done anything to date... all my H friends are all in the same business so that is why he wouldn't tell and he would say it has nothing to do with the OW ... I didn't love my W anymore.

so hard so I say you need to be careful with this.. I don't think my H is sneaky now he is out and goes out with her and her friends ... but he sees her around business functions and they just hide it and pretend nothing is going on...

I updated my post on newcomers... I will update it on my thread too...

[AllW8SBF]

TXMOM I would agree with your analysis about mixed reviews about exposing Affair. But if you look at what you were saying or to be blunt - the excuses you were making,
"they are a very non-confrontational family and hold things in just like my H did and never shared that he wasn't happy with me. so that was a waste. Looking at it this way has caused you to have this UNSUPPORTED VIEW of peoples response - you've only told one set of people and only one set has not done anything - yet.

My family of course doesn't see him and won't so that is no help. they will help you !

the OW is in his business and those are the people that don't know and if I told anyone it wouldn't come from a place of them "helping" ... I just asked him yesterday who all he has told even that we are separated and he said no one but his boss and gave no details... SIRENS GOING OFF HERE, he hasn't told anyone WHY????? if his reasons are so solid and that it's just he doesn't love you anymore then tell them, they'd be happy he had someone new in his life if they knew he was soooo unhappy with you - oh wait that's right it's because they will know he was happy and now he has just lost his way.
all my H friends are all in the same business so that is why he wouldn't tell and he would say it has nothing to do with the OW ... I didn't love my W anymore. See above, he's not telling anyone cause they won't believe him because HE DOESN'T BELIEVE IT!

so hard so I say you need to be careful with this.. I don't think my H is sneaky now he is out and goes out with her and her friends ... but he sees her around business functions and they just hide it and pretend nothing is going on... " Hmmm do you see what your saying here - he's not sneaky now, but he's only going out with her and HER FRIENDS, not anyone who KNOWS him. Now I know, we all know what your thinking we are right there or at least some of us are there now, or were there in the past - we are afraid to tell - why - because as Harley said, he'll be angry, even you said, you'll get no support - some people will be so embarrassed and probably more UNCOMFORTABLE to talk about it, and afraid they'll push him away, much like you're afraid will happen. And yes it probably will, but then they will come out of the fog and into the light and the affair won't look as wonderful.
T2L how am doing so far - I have not gotten the book yet, went yesterday to Borders and they said they had it but couldn't find it, I'm going to B&N today. I got instead "The Power of a Praying Wife". More on that later.
So not telling is the easy out right now for you and ESPECIALLY for your H, rip the band aide off, let the sore air out and YOU will heal faster. Yes he will get angry and it will feel like he's gone for good then, but you will either then be able to move on with your life or you'll be waiting and waiting and waiting for his fantasy world to fade or crash and for him to come out of a fog.
You know how long it takes for a fog in the early morning to break, but once the sun shines on it, it dissipates quickly.

I know it's hard I shouldn't even speak since well I have not told anyone either. But that info T2L posted and at this point that I have given this problem to God to deal with, he will handle the fallout of me telling everyone who needs to know.
Now if I'm wrong with any of the above please tell me, we all have to do what we are able to handle right now, but we never know what we can handle till we handle it. Did you think you could handle this season so far?

Now my question after your post T2L what does everyone else think, my situation, is it considered an affair? He had a EA/PA and he told me, then that relationship ended - because he told me she didn't want him - The "AFFAIR" is over. Is it an "Affair" to be dating, he is looking for other woman using a personal ad.
He says he can't go back to me, he can't get over that he had to go elsewhere to get what he wanted. So do I expose him looking for someone online in personal ads to people who need to know?
Not quite sure how I address this with people that needs to know. In an affair you'd sit them down like Harley says and say H is having an affair, ... and all the other stuff that needs to be said. But what do you say in this situation? I think I know, I think you sit them down and you say, H is having an affair with multiple people. But how do they not think your crazy, just like he does because of like the Thread that says Why Stay, people who have not been there don't know how it is and so they will tell you for your own good and the WAS let them go.
Again TXMOM I so agree with you in being careful of who you expose to, because we had a huge discussion last night. I in a desperate attempt when I first found out said that I told my parents a while ago that because H is bipolar and this causes hypersexuality and I can't fulfill those needs I would accept him having a sexual affair but not an emotional one.
HUGE ERROR - one telling husband I'd accept that, and 2) telling H I told my p's that.
He's like how could I ever step foot in your parents house, how could I ever look at them.
Well the thought has crossed my mind not telling people because he may avoid coming back because he would have to face all these people he let down. But what he doesn't understand RIGHT NOW is how people can forgive what he has done. How can I take him back, how could my parents, how could my sister?
He says I have not acted like the typical girl in this situation that they would say get out. Why??? Because we love, because they love him. And love forgives those who repent and make good, and that Love and God knows that we may stumble and fall along the way but if we repent and get back up and continue on GOD takes up the cross. Holy Moly this is great stuff! I feel God just spewing out of me, and he gives me hope, faith, love, and strength to get through this season no matter what happens. Now if only we could get our h's to feel this as easy as I am right now and I'm sure some of you have felt every once in a while.

Prayer is best, I don't want to sound like a freak preaching prayer, but it has helped in more ways than you can ever imagine.

[faithrunner]

I agree with Txmom, my H's family are absolutely no support. They know, and they all have their own addiction issues, so they don't cope well with their own mess and no one speaks up about anything.

T2L, Hope, BG, and all: what did you think of how I handled the email? Anything I should have done differently?

And, even though I was excited about him inviting me to go out with him and our boys on Sunday, I do think I should maintain my own plans. Do you agree?

BTW, T2L, when do you sleep girl?

[faithrunner]

All, I think we were typing at the same time, so I just read your response.

I think the important thing for all of us is to continue to share any info we have with eachother, and then each of us can apply what feels right to our own situation. The Power of a Praying Wife is an excellent book!

For my situation, I think telling my family would be detrimental because they are a huge support to him and he is the type of person who shuts the door permanently to those who hurt him. This is based on his childhood-abuse from mom (NC in years) and alcoholic dad. So, I think having their relationship remain loving helps to keep him active with our family. We all went to my mom's for Halloween, for example and that was his idea. I want him to feel comfortable, and even happy, around family because I know that this will help to draw him back. The more he hurts, the more he pushes the hurt away and I really don't want that.

Besides, we are at a point where he is spending the great majority of his free time, and all his weekends, with us. I want him to be comfortable around me and friendly. This has made a big difference for us. Just my opinion based on my own particular situation. If I felt that he was sneaking to hotels, spending nights with OW, rather than just emails, perhaps I would do things differently. At the present moment I don't think exposing would in any way benefit our situation.

[faithrunner]

Also, a big part of laying this down, as God's battle to fight, is to let God do the cleaning. Once we let go, we have to let God do his good work inside H. I truly believe my prayers were answered yesterday when the student of H's broke down about her own marriage breaking up. I had prayed for someone to come into his life for God to speak through, since H is not spiritual. He was able to see from the outside what he is responsible for. I'm glad for that. That's just the beginning of God's work in H, and I had nothing to do with it. I think that's important.

[AllW8SBF]

Hope you crack me up, between you and T2L and the Hickie you girls could and have really caused some stress in these adulterating woman. Have her running for the hills. And the real funny part is now she is looking needy to him, oh he is going to hate that she can't defend herself against his own wife.
I don't know if I'd text him though, but you had to share the laugh with someone.

Well girls I have not been on in the past few days, nothing really great has happened at least as far as a reconciliation is concerned.
What I do feel is GREAT! I really do, and I have to thank all of you, and GOD.
I've given all control to God and just in a matter of hours he was at work. There is so much to tell and not sure how many of you would really be able to get it, T2L I def think you could.

Let's see, well besides just praying God will give me strength and guidance, and heal me of the pain. And GAL. My positive attitude has everyone looking, even H. I think it mystifies him a bit. I still feel a bit filtered as I don't know what is the right thing to say, and he's still not really telling me what is really in him, I'm supposed to have a crystal ball and just know.

For instance he just told me yesterday, we were talking about splitting things up (again like I said we are not reconciling, but it's not over yet) and we have this time share thing we just got early this year that I really didn't want. Well he says that purchase was a last ditch effort basically he said "that was a 4,000 ring just slipped (he did the action and all) onto my finger" trying to get me to care.
I don't know what to say - can someone help me with this, explain how this and many of these situations like this just pass me by and I don't realize he's trying to be sweet and loving and I don't do anything I don't reciprocate I'm a horrible wife. I didn't say that but, why do I do this, and how can I make sure I don't do it in the future. I mean it's obvious now when he puts it the way with the 4,000 ring bit but before, yeh sure I love to travel - more than him but it's for both of us. UGGG I felt horrible.

So the other night H texted me that he was going out with his friend and not to worry about dinner. So I'm praying to God as I'm driving (I do this now everyday when I come home from work, no radio my whole 45-60 min drive is prayer.) Speak to me, write on the walls (charlyne sentiment) what should I do, do I fight for this marriage or move on? Well all of a sudden I remember a bulletin I got from church and I remember there were 2 things I MAY have enough nerve to go to. One was a Vow enrichment course from Mothers at the Well, and the other was a Divorce Recovery meeting, handling the holidays. Well I didn't remember what date or time these were, I new one was in 2 weeks one was on a thursday and the day I was thinking of this was a Wedensday. Well say ok God I'll go, give me strength to walk through those doors. So I get home and get the bulletin - now I could have looked and it could have turned out there was nothing tonight, or the divorce one was tonight or the marriage one. Well there was one for that night - it was the Marriage one - Vow and Marriage Enrichment. So I went!!! Woohoo, it was the most awesome night of my LIFE! Ok maybe an exaggeration but it was great.
First I had time before hand so I watched Oprah - I don't tend to watch her, but she had Laura Berman on and I'm in some serious sexual issues right now - major issue in marriage. And she made me feel great watching that show. I'm normal and there is something I can do to help me!
Then I went to the ME thing at the church and met other woman, one was divorced with 3 children, but she was at a marriage enrichment. And the speaker talked about what have you done for your marriage today? Showed quick clips of asking people what they've done, they were so funny, from I got ketchup, mustard and utensils for my H for his sandwich to I respected my wife today.
She encouraged EVERYONE to go to see Fireproof, I have not gone yet as I'm afraid it will just hurt too much right now.

She read prayers and reminded us we didn't get a script when we got married. We didn't know that in 2 years we'd have a kid, and then 3 mos after that the child would get sick, and 4 mos after that their would be a loss in the family and ...
If we knew would we want it, what would we have done? We didn't so that is what we have to deal with.

She told a story about how she came home one day and started cooking dinner, then her H came home and just sat down on the couch - didn't even come in and say hello. So she starts slamming cupboards, and pans and he pops in and says, hey what's wrong? She says - nothing. He's like oh ok, and goes back to the couch. Now because he didn't meet her need for a hello and a hug (oh did you know she wanted that - did you hear her tell him - no) she felt he CHOSE not to do what she wanted - but he didn't know, so when he needed something she didn't give it to him and around and around this went.
How many times have we done that? How do they know? We feel if we have to tell them it doesn't mean as much, if anything it actually means more because no it's not just luck or pure chance that they did something right, they CHOSE you if they do it.
And it makes them feel good because then you praise them.

It was such an uplifting great class. She ended it with a prayer from the book "The Power of a Praying Wife".
This book is great - it has prayers for
His Wife
His Work
His Affection
His Temptations
His Purpose
His Choices
His Priorities
His Relationships
His Fatherhood
His Marriage
His Emotions
His Repentance
His Deliverance
His Obedience
His Faith
His Future

Again I really believe prayer will help your sanity your family, and your marriage and your husband.

Ok talk to you later.

[AllW8SBF]

Yep faith I float back in forth the good and bad about telling his parents and mine for the same reason, he seems to feel closer to my family at times then his because mine I don't know make him feel loved I think.

I think it's you handled the email superbly and keeping your plans EVEN BETTER. And it will give you things for him to talk to you about afterwards and you can laugh and giggle about together. As much as yes if you went with you'd SHARE it, there won't be much to communicate. And I think we all need to get back to friendly communication.

[faithrunner]

Jen! You are filled with the power of the Spirit! Your post made me smile. I am really happy for you. That kind of peace and spiritual "high" are wonderful feelings. I wish I had a class like that at my church!

As for your H's comment, I know I have missed over this stuff a million times simply because I don't know how to read him anymore! So I guess my advice is accept it with gratitude at face value. If your H needs admiration and validation for his work, this will go a long way. Last night H read the bedtime story, and at the end I said "let's give Daddy a round of applause for a great story!" and we all clapped. I swear his eyes lit up. So simple. I think if you bring up the time share casually you can have the opportunity to show H how grateful you are (even if you're still confused about the "why" of it). What do you think?

[faithrunner]

And, thank you All. I needed support for keeping my plans, and foregoing his invitation. Hugs to you!

[Trying2live]

Goo morning!

I know I go to sleep really late about 1 and I'm up by about 7. I'm one of those weird people who don't require much sleep. LOL And I am fortunate enough to have been a stay at home wife and mom our whole marriage so thats why too.

After you all read the Harley's book, you may Love must be Tough by James Dobson but read SAA 1st. I read DB, Love must be tough and SAA.

Upon discovery I told my family, his family, church friends and Pastor and some girls in the office at his job since the OW had worked there up until 2 months before discovery.

I had to get to the place where I had No fear. The bible says God give us peace, love, and a sound mind and also The LORD is with me; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me? (Psalm 118:6)

I did not want my decision to expose to be based on fear to but to be based on faith. H mother and 1 brother did not support me and I don't bloody care(sorry) but guess what 2 brothers have and I have spent much time with them and the families. I wrote my mother in law a letter and said unless she apologizes to me and my children I will never speak to her again and she knows its true. This is a standard. It's ok to have one too. I wrote her a letter and spoke the truth in love.

Dr. Dobson says that these betrayers will re-write the marital history to justify there actions. Mine did and I lost a friend because of it, but I do no care, that's one less real friend and I'm not here to start a fan club LOL. So it doesn't really matter what they tell everyone they all do the same thing and say the same thing, they re-write the marital history and say i haven't been happy for a long time blah blah blah. But guess what inside they know they are lying to themselves even when we say nothing. And mine said it to those friends too, but guess who's around alot and sleeping with his wife again? And If(and i have NO EXPECTATIONS) he does some day come home guess who's gonna be eating those words.

I think at times I am a hardliner and it may not work for every one, I know that the Harley's have researched and proven out many of the theories in the book. He has spent many many years doing this. He has a doctorate in what he does, so I trust his experience and knowledge. He also explains the addiction side of this mess too. He used to work or own half way recovery homes and when he went into marital counseling he found out he could not treat the betraying spouse any different from the addictions. This is what your up against. Infidelity is a beast that must be slain. Dr. Dobson says that over his many years of experience that he has seen appeasement of the infidelity actually seals the fate of the marriage for the worse.

As you guys know I am an associate Pastor. I pray hard and strong for my marriage. I wish you all could come here to my house to see how I pray against things and for my H. But remember Faith is action. All through the bible we see that God is a God of action. I think it the situation we all unfortunately stand in there must be a clear path and course. I don't know the we can get the desired results with out it. Even in DR/DB she recommend getting to the last resort, which I did the 1st 5 months.

When H told me he left that night April 23rd, I exposed, he came home 3 days later, guess what he told me? he said it's like your in this fog and you think this fantasy can work and then you realize that it can't. Yup folks he said that to me before I had read any of those books. Of course he left 2 weeks later May 8th experiencing what Dr. Harley explains as withdrawal symptoms. Either way I recommend the book as it explains a lot of the entire adultery issue and even if you do not implement the plan.

Ok so nuff said LOL. So ladies how is your GAL'ing going? Are we still doing that? And how is our 180 going as well.
I will be taking another salsa class on Tuesday of next week. Will be going to Plan B per SAA on Novemeber 22nd a week before Thanksgiving. I am trying to envision myself enjoying the holidays and having as much fun as possible as my kids deserve a happy mom. I don anticipate a few hard days in Plan B but I am going to make it and so are all of you. Ok I need to go for a walk I haven't walked in 2 weeks. I do exercise with cables and a jump rope at home but I think I'll go back to the gym as soon as I hit Plan B. Gotta fill up the time!!!

XOXO Have a great day you guys! I'll be on later TGIF....