TIPPER'S 3rd thread - Piecing Pointers

[Trixi]

You are so right about me compromising my self esteem. It crushes me evertime he goes out alone.

And THAT is what worries me the most.

I know you would "do anything" to save the marriage-and it looks like you are. But right now, is this the sort of marriage you want to save?

IOW,

if standing up for what you want/need means you "push him away"- is that what you want for yourself?

And you know what, maybe I am pushing you so hard because I see me in you. My H has come back around--not enough to have us actually move in together, or even call it "reconciling"--but he does want me to be in his life while he figures out "whatever it is" that he needs to learn.
I think the difference is: IF he said he was "working" on the marriage, I would have MUCH higher expectations. He has made it clear he is not ready to 'work' on the marriage. This allows me some freedom to explore my own life, meet other people, etc.

Here is some classic DB advice (normally administered when the WAS is actually walking away and not claiming to want to work on the marriage) "Have no expectations and you won't be disappointed."

How does your H feel about consistently hurting you? What is his explanation? If you have plainly said "It hurts me when you go out to the bar without me" and then he goes and does it anyway, he is deliberately, knowingly, choosing to hurt you!

If you really don't want to hold his feet to the fire and stand up for yourself, then you will need to GAL and detach.