Working on a friendship

[Belle]

Please help me win his love back
To lend or not to lend - HELP
To lend or not to lend #2
Just stagnant......

Hi

I'm new here to Separated. I figured it was time to move on from Newcomers.

For those that don't want to review all my threads, here's the long story short: (Just stagnant is most recent if you want to read that one)

My H is going to chiro school. We began to grow apart slowly in the last couple of years. Sex was very low - under 10 times a year I would say. He had an EA with a classmate. Is probably still going on, I don't know. Could be physical. We haven't talked much in the last 4 months. Except for the last week. We've talked almost everyday since he's been on break from school. I've been supportive of him since he's been really down - failed 2 classes last trimester. Our friendship has been developing in the last week. We've been more open with each other. Last night we had dinner and watched a movie. But strictly friendly terms except for a long hug at the end when he asked me to "give" him some of my faith in God.

So, today he called me to tell me that he's taping Oprah for me. He stopped by the house to be with the dog and raked leaves. Don't know if anyone has watched it today. But evidently he relates to a couple on there. The woman is controling and motherly and they don't have much sex. H says that this is "probably what happened with us". I have a feeling that H thinks that our sitch is something that can't be turned around. (He wants "fire" in his life and has said that he doesn't think we can get it back)

So, what should I do about the show. I will watch, but do I respond??? And if so, how?

[Trixi]

Ask him what *he* thinks of the "Surrender Date".
OR
If you think it's safe to flirt, you could say you watched the show and that the idea of a Surrender Date really piqued your interest...and then wait to see what he says.
OR
You could keep it strictly on the friends level and simply agree that you can see how damaging it is to have that sort of dynamic, and then sincerely apologize for the part you played in that roll.

Have you watched the show yet?

[Belle]

Yes, I watched the show. Sounds like you did.

It is part of what happened to us! I did make an infant out of my H. I did everything for him and I did not trust him to do things the "right" way. This is how my parents are and I believe some of it was learned behavior. But I'm not blaming them of course.

When the couple in the show was in the car driving - and she kept saying they were going to get lost etc, etc, - that is totally me. Telling him how to drive, where to go, etc.

Bad, bad, bad.

The thing that is hard is that I think he thinks that is what happened and now it is done - there's nothing to fix it. But there is!!! At least I think so.

I am soooooo scared attempt to go past the friends level. Scared of what he will say. Those are all good ideas you gave, I just have to decide what it the best option. Don't you think the fact that he taped it for me and called me - that in itself is a good sign?

[Belle]

I am just not good at this stuff.

So scared of rejection.

I mentioned that I watched the show. I asked him if he saw the surrender date and he said he missed that part. I explained to him what it was and that I totally saw myself in it - especially the driving part. He laughed when I told him because he could relate to it and given the situation that happened today - read on:

H called today b/c he was trying to vote.

Apparently he went to the high school where we used to live before we bought a house, that's where he was registered.

When he told them that he had moved, they told him to go to a different location. (And gave him the address) When he couldn't find it, he called me.

I told him I thought the location that they gave him was wrong. I had looked his new voting location up when he was over Sunday night and I had told him then where it was.

So he went to the place they told him to go, and of course it was wrong.

So he went to the place that I originally told him to go to and it was right. 3 phone calls later and he finally voted.

I mentioned that I had told him the other night, didn't he remember - he said that he hadn't listened.....

When I told him about the Oprah show, he had a laugh b/c he had been calling me for directions. He has no idea of street names. He had been driving around for 15 minutes when he finally called and it turns out he had been on the wrong street the whole time, looking for the place that was wrong anyway.

So I didn't get to say much as far as apologizing for the way I've treated him like an infant.

I guess I just didn't make the words come out.

Perhaps I will try again - like maybe after I read the book, which I plan on ordering.

H was in a lousy mood - given his voting problems and the fact that everyone asked him where he was today - he wasn't in all the classes that everyone else advanced to. (B/C he failed 2 last trimeseter)

[Trixi]

What's the latest?

Have you heard of a book called "For Women Only: What You Need to Know about the Inner Lives of Men" by Shaunti Feldhahn ?

That book was (for me) probably the one of the most important books I have ever read when it comes to men. If you haven't read it, it might help you in your sitch.

[Belle]

Well, the latest is actually kind of interesting....

H went to talk to one of his professors. They reviewed all of his exams and found some errors on them. The professor passed him. So now he only failed one class. And now he can take 3 additional classes that he couldn't before. Which means that instead of having 2 classes with OW, now he has 5.

I do feel happy for him, but at the same time I wish he wasn't with her so much. In my mind I know that if he is going to decide to work on our M, then he will make that decision, whether or not he has more classes with her. But my heart wishes he would be separated from her.

This also means that he is going to be taking 30 credits instead of 22. He had decided to take less so that he has less of a chance of failing. Now he will have less time to think about us and work on us........

I've been praying to God for him to make me a better wife. I've never been the flirty type and I think my H would like that. We've been on a friendly basis for so long, it's hard to get into that mode. Plus the fact that I've never been that way. Trixi, when you said flirt with him, I was like, how do I do that????

I will have to check out that book. (And add it to my stack of other books to read). But whenever I hear about books about men and how they are, I'm always skeptical. Just because my H is so different from any man I've ever met. He likes to talk about emotions and life whereas most men I know like to talk about sports and beer. Maybe it's just the Midwest mentality.

I'm going home for the weekend (We live in IA b/c of my H's schooling) and when I told H, he sounded a little disappointed, maybe it was just my imagination.......

[Trixi]

IMO, flirting is mostly about making the other person feel special in a sort of sexual way. NOT overtly. Well, maybe sometimes-LOL.
Blatant flirt: H and I were drinking wine the other night. I said "Mmmm, has a nice, sort of woody finish." He said "I got your 'woody finish' right here. <wink>"
Subtle flirts are basically non-verbal. Brushing up against someone. The sort of 'coy' look. Licking your lips. Touching/playing with your hair. Gently touching someone's arm when making a point. Listen for anything that could have a double entendre and run with it.

Most men want admiration of some sort. Which is what the OW gives them. So, find something you can admire. "H, that is a huge classload-I'm impressed at how much you took on and know that this semester you'll do fab. Muwahh!!" LOL I don't know how you would word it for your husband, but think of stuff you admire and then when the opportunity presents itself, let him know.

You might want to read the 5 Love Languages to find out the best way to show your H love. He may needs Words of Affirmation or it could be Acts of Service or Physical Touch. Speak to him in a way he will *feel* your love.

You ALSO may want to invest in a set of DB coaching sessions with Jody. She's great. Can't say enough good things about her.

Keep us posted

[Belle]

Thanks Trixi

I've been so hesitant to get a DB coach - $$$$ of course. But I'll think more about it this weekend.

I'm not a good wife in that last night when he told me that he was able to take 3 more classes I said "Now you're going to be overloaded again!" And he said , "No, it's only 30 credits..."

I realized that I was bad, bad, bad to say this - need to support more. So then I called him back later and apologized for that.....(Don't know if that was good to do or not)

Need to work on fliriting skills.

I have 5 love languages, I am going to start reading!

I will keep you posted!

[optimistwife]

Hi Belle,

I am glad that you and hour H are communicating more. Now that the door is opened a crack make sure to keep it open. I know it is hard to be supportive of H when they have gotten themselves in so deep, but try.

Maybe he will have to work so hard to keep up with 30 credits that he won't have time for his OW?

Just remember to work on rebuilding your friendship. The wife thing you can't really do much about at this time. Friendship first!

[Belle]

Thanks optimist...I know the friendship is key!

Does anyone have holiday issues?

My H told me he's going to spend Thanksgiving alone. His family lives in FL and CA, we live in IA. My family lives in WI. I was wondering what he was going to do for the holidays. He just told me that he's going to FL for Christmas and he said "In case you were wondering.".

I was at a loss for words and didn't know what to say - there was silence.

Then he said "Maybe you weren't wondering....."

I followed up "of course I was wondering, but I was wondering more about Thanksgiving"

To which he replied that he's going to spend it here alone.

He loves Thanksgiving....

I know I shouldn't feel bad because he has made this choice to leave me and be on his own.

But I do.

At least he is not going to OW's. Not that her family would want him there - they know he is married and I'm sure they wouldn't be thrilled to have their 23 year old daughter dating a married man.

The crazy part of me wonders, "Maybe I should reach out to him and ask him to have Thanksgiving at our house, just me and him".

That would be a 180.....

Or I should really make him think about things - be alone on Thanksgiving.....