Surrendering to hope

[istherehope]

Thanks Daisy and Sep,

For some reason I am feeling really anxious today, and didn't sleep much last night at all. I'm pretty scared to be honest of what this weekend will be like. I hate that there is this brick wall between H and me now. It is palpable that there are things that should be discussed, but are not being discussed.

I do psych myself out, but it can be very draining to keep hearing D talk when all actions point toward loving me and wanting to be with me...I know everyone advocates against R talk, but I do think that I am going to need to say something. In fact this will be a 180 for me to mention the way that things are between us instead of smiling and acting like everything is OK. I will see how things go of course, but I really do believe that it is necessary for me to show some feelings, and be a little more honest. Last time we had one of those terrible conversations, he said that it was clear that I was so happy, while he was so unhappy, and that I haven't been hearing anything he's been saying. So I need to perhaps explain where I am coming from a bit more.

I guess it's just a red flag for me whenever he thinks about things, as he tends to ruminate, and focus on the negatives. He gets caught up in guilt, and panics. I am going to need to find out somehow whether he likes me to stay in the house with him or whether this is pressure. Our conversations on IM are so nice and normal now. It is just trying to move beyond IM and to in-person that makes things a challenge...

I am still planning to stay at my friend's house tomorrow night, but at the same time I am not going to close myself off if he does make any positive gestures. I feel like he is pretty insecure right now, and I need to walk the fine line between being absolutely loving and not acting like a doormat. I guess we all need to find that balance. Since there is no OW, I am maybe more lenient than others...

OK hoping for positive vibes today. I am really trying to think positive again!

ITH