My 29 year old wife going through MLC, this sucks

[Dawn of Hope]

BSC,
I know where you are in this mess. I don't know if I can forgive my H either. We both waited for our wedding night (I was almost 26, he was 28, and we had dated for almost 7 years--yep, it got a little crazy there for a while! ), so to my knowledge this is the first instance of either of us breaking that closed circle of sex within our marriage only, and it is devastating. I don't know if it is easier for people who were with someone else before marriage or were sexually involved with each other before marriage. Probably not easier by much, would be my guess.

I think that whether we can ever forgive our adulterous spouses for what they have done is not a question that has to be settled immediately. Obviously it has to happen eventually for the M to be restored. My feeling about this is that it is something I know I have to do sooner or later...not so much for him, as for MYSELF. If for no other reason, I believe that it is necessary for me to forgive him (and anyone else) in order for God to forgive me for all of the stuff I have done wrong, and to answer my prayers. I haven't figured out how to do it yet, but there are books and websites and such about it, and there is of course the faith angle, if that applies to you (as it does to me). I pray about this all the time. Several people on this board have told me that it took them a long time to reach the stage of forgiveness, so I don't feel so bad about not being there yet.

I think I would find it easier to forgive him if he showed a lot of remorse (haven't seen an iota of it so far). But I need to be able to do so regardless of what he does...FOR MYSELF. I read somewhere that people think forgiveness is about the person who did whatever it was, but it is actually about untying knots in ONESELF.

I will say that my H did something along these lines 7 years ago, although I never had any evidence it was a full-fledged PA (was definitely an EA, though). He ended it immediately when I found out about it, although he didn't discontinue seeing her completely--they still bowl on the same team every week. I was just emotionally wrecked when I found out, even believing it wasn't a PA. H had to take a knife away from me and hide my keys at one point, because I was so suicidal. (I had gone on ADs right before I found out, and it took a bit of time before they kicked in and I felt better.) You'll love this little irony...the knife he took away from me, when he found me stroking my wrist with the blade, belonged to OW#1--the one he had just ended the A with. It was in H's possession because he took it away from *her* earlier in their A, for the same reason.

I did eventually forgive him and start trusting him again, but it took about three years, and a lot of therapy, both IC and MC. I did stop talking about the OW at all in his presence about the time we finished MC, about two years after the EA ended. I never said a word about her AT ALL in the four years between then and bomb #2, even though he mentioned her regularly because of their bowling nights together, except very briefly when telling H I was NOT going to her wedding. I am forced to see her from time to time...had to sit next to her at the last wedding we attended. UGH!! Can you say "Oscar-level performance"?

I also want to say that if I hadn't been through that EA situation seven years ago, and learned that I could live through that, as intensely painful as it was, I don't think I would have made it this far through this current sitch, which is far worse than the first one. That experience may have toughened me just enough to keep me from completely going around the bend and killing myself.

Wow, I really have digressed here...I'm sorry, I hope you don't feel hijacked! I just thought it might help you to get a bit of perspective. If it helps you at all, great, I have done what I set out to do. If not...just ignore. The main point I want to get across is that it may be a while before you can forgive her, so don't be too quick to label it "END OF GAME" if you can't do it immediately. I find that as I sit with my thoughts and feelings, day in and day out, and pray about it all, eventually the emotional turbulence settles, I am able to dive deep into that calm center of my soul, and I become clearer on what I am supposed to be doing for now. I do wish you clarity and insight on your journey.

Blessings and peace,
Dawn