Blood is thicker than water, even when it's obviously unfair. When I told my D28 about the separation of my BIL (being my H's brother) and SIL, she instantly said I'm on Uncle N's side. This was a reaction without even knowing the circumstances --- and we love our SIL/Aunt. Who knows what I would've said if I hadn't gone through this whole process. But, my SIL has a large biological family, so she doesn't have the same problem you have, Hmama. It must feel awful to lose so much in such a short period of time.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
Yes, it does feel awful. I think this was the first time in my adult life (or for as long as I can remember into adolescence) that I felt like part of a family. It was only as an in-law, and their lifestyles were so much more affluent than ours that often there was little to talk about. But there was still that connection. Geez--I just didn't do anything wrong.
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
Hoozh, I feel for ya. I feel the same way - it's ugly what they go through. They generate all sorts of nonsense, and what are people going to believe? It's very awkward for family. I can only have compassion for them.
Let me tell you - this isn't your situation, but it's similar. Nine months ago.. nine months!!! ... my wife petitioned the court for protection from me. And she petitioned on behalf of the children too. Said I was dangerous and wanted me to stay away from our young children for 12 years, absolutely zero contact.
She shopped her story around to the entire family. Enlisted their support - told them her story, alleged I was dangerous etc etc. None of her allegations were true, but that didn't stop her from alleging all sorts of nonsense.
Today we had a divorce mediation meeting. I am getting almost 50% time with the kids. It would have been 50% except for Joe Biden and the VAWA. (Note to self: False allegations work. ) Even SHE couldn't keep up the charade. Nine months ago she was screaming bloody murder, and today we were talking about exchange schedules. Yeah, this all makes sense.
And her family knows. They know the score. Her father almost apologized to me. Everyone feels horrible about it. It's so awkward. Her brother called her crazy to me, in private. But out in the open, it's the topic no one wants to mention, ya know? My brother was getting his hair cut the other day.. turns out the woman cutting his hair is the fiance of my my wife's brother. (??? didja follow that?) anyway, the fiance confides in my brother - the whole family thinks she is whacked, but what can they do? They can only shake their heads in amazement. They're not walking away from her. And I wouldn't want it any other way, actually. She needs the support of family now.
It's hard for you, and it's frustrating. And you know what? it's MLC.
The hypocrisy is maddening, but it's not something you have control over. Nothing you can do about it. Not your business. No sense getting bent about it. It just is.
Best you can do is be a good person. Stay strong and find happiness for yourself. If I were near you I would take you out to high tea tomorrow and I would ask you if you wanted to just hang out this weekend. Nothing else you can do. Just shrug and keep on going.
Your daughter, now she is old enough to see things but still young enough to need a daddy. She needs to feel her daddy is good, whether he has been good to you or not. Later she can see the truth, but now she needs to be able to see the good in him. I know, frustrating. But for her own health, she needs a man who adores her, unconditionally, and she needs to adore him back. It's important not to shatter that. I don't care what he did to you, he is irreplaceable in your daughter's life. So please do not tear him down in front of her. Please let him be a good man in her eyes, despite how you feel about him. It's important for your daughter.
You are going to get through the holidays and you and your Daughter are going to have a good time.
Now is the time for you to do something new, something you have never done before.
Think about all of the holidays.
Was there something you wanted to do but your Husband didn't?
My Husband never wanted me to decorate the outside of the house or the front yard.
The first Christmas he was gone, I barely decorated anything. I bought a small tree and let the kids decorate it with stuff they made. I didn't want to deal with it. I was too depressed.
The second Christmas he was gone my house was fully decorated. The lights were up and the front of my house was spectaculor. I did it for me. It looked fabulous.
I also took the kids to see a late night movie on Christmas Eve and that was also something I had never done before. This will be our 3rd Christmas with this new tradition.
So, lets come up with a fun plan for you....
New Holiday traditions for you and your Daughter.
((((hugs))))
There can be no testimony without a test. I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
I'm better today. Unfortunately my laptop power cord is fried and I keep trying new ones and they're not doing anything. So I have limited computer access, and my little nurse's office has been busy.
I really think this is just another level of grief hitting me. I knew in my head what would happen in the future with my nieces and nephews, but it's happening now and it hurts. It's reality, no longer speculation. And as absurd as it is that H will do this funeral and look stellar, and I can't even attend, there's nothing I can do about it.
And you're right about D12. She does need her dad. As much of a hypocrite as he is, he's still her dad. She asked me this morning if she could go to the funeral, so I said yes. Yes, it's a confusing mixed message--my dad has a girlfriend who's now his highest priority, mom and I have been through a lot of pain, but he's still a pillar of the community and close to God. Sticks in my craw, it does. But there it is. I hope I don't regret it later.
Want to know another irony? I've done probably 5 times as many funerals as H. I helped him with the ones he did. Guess he's on his own for this one. Maybe witchy woman is helping him.
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
Sir, I'm sorry all that happened to you. It's so hard to understand what goes through their heads, why they have to demonize us on top of everything else. I wish I knew where I'll be in nine months.
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
Christmas is always hard for me. Lots of ghosts of Christmas past, family-of-origin stuff. I'd like to ignore them. Of course I can't, I won't, I will rise above that and give D a great Christmas. IC also told me to have an "upside-down" Christmas--new traditions, etc. D and I will have to talk about it.
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
Want to know another irony? I've done probably 5 times as many funerals as H. I helped him with the ones he did. Guess he's on his own for this one. Maybe witchy woman is helping him.
Yeah, they can play "Witchy Woman" by the Eagles, "She's Just a Devil Woman" by Cliff Richard, and "Don't Fear the Reaper" by Blue Oyster Cult. Oughta go over real well.
