Saw H tonight. This is going to seem disjointed, but I wanted to get it journaled while it is still fresh. Basically this is highlights of the evening.
He still doesn't know what is driving him; but the timing isn't right, right now. He wants to keep things status quo. He doesn't know where we are heading.
He said I was trying to "put his feet to the fire and pressure him". I said that the most ironic part of that, is that it sure LOOKS like I am pressuring him, but if he actually turned around and said "ok, lets try again" I would expect him to put A LOT of effort into wooing me back. (He said "I would think so!") That I would say that I happen to like my house, where I live, etc and I wouldn't want to just move back in there without feeling totally sure he was in it to stay. He said he has thought a lot about that if he did come back, he would do everything possible to make me know that he thinks I am the best thing in the whole world; that he would put a ton of effort into showing me I'm number one in his life, that he was a fool, that he is sorry. (I was glad to hear that he actually had thought about it and realized it would require him to step up to the plate in a big way.)
He always wants me to be in his life.
We were talking about my mom and he said "well, I have to say, I am glad to not have to deal with her anymore." And I said "Oh, so you never want to deal with her again?" and he said "no, no. I'm just saying it's been a nice break to not deal with her."
I asked what he expects of me: he has no expectations of me other than to be there for him, be his supporter, his friend and vice versa.
H said "Obviously, I need you and you need me."
The roommate told him that if H wants to get back together with me and have me move back in, roommate will be out as fast as humanly possible. Also, roommate will probably only be there for less than another year.
Coming over to my cozy little house is sort of a refuge for H.
He started to say something about me not 'really knowing him' 'oh, you have no idea' and then totally reversed it and said "no, no. maybe you really DO know me and that is why you are being so patient with me. You know my heart is true and I love you." I asked him to elaborate on what his original train of thought was and he basically couldn't find the right word; I think he ended up with that he is extremely conflicted. I said that his confusion confused me.
He is fine if music doesn't actually 'go' anywhere, but how he is living right now is sort of a musician's lifestyle; and that being lonely can be inspirational when it come to song writing. Of course there are many days when he thinks it would be nice for us to have a "normal" life and wake up together, etc.
He said something about if I need to go date other guys, and then I get involved with someone….,[sort of a "that's the risk I’ll have to take" vibe] but he wants me to be happy first and foremost. (I wish I could remember what was said..)
Talked about the girl hitting on him thing (years and years ago) and his feelings were hurt that I didn't step up and tell her to back off. He took that to mean I didn't care.
He said it broke his heart that our family fell apart. (That was back when my thyroid was messed up and I didn't have "extra" energy to go and do stuff with the kids, etc.) I apologized (for the umpteenth time); said I wish I had forced the doctors to do SOMETHING when I went to them and they said I was "fine". I am a little distressed about my biopsy because 2 years ago I went to the doctor and said I felt "funny" in the area they took the biopsy from. The doctor couldn't feel anything, but ordered a mammogram and the radiologist refused because I was 39 (not 40) and the doc hadn't actually felt something. WTF?!? Lesson learned- do not take "no" for an answer.
I asked him what he would tell me if I was a friend of his and I had come to him talking about a guy treating me like he treats me. And he said that he would probably tell me to kick the guy to the curb, that I was being used, etc. But that from the outside looking in, it is easy to disregard the love people feel and not know the whole story.
I told him I was mad because he didn't seem worried about my biopsy and he said he was; and then he said "Have you been really scared? Come here, baby" and he just held me while I cried. And then he said (with tears in his eyes, while he brushed my hair from my face) "You're gonna be fine. Cuz you have to be fine. You just have to be fine."
I "have no idea" how often he thinks that he is crazy for not just getting back together.
I get my biopsy results Friday morning. He leaves for Turkey on Sunday (for two weeks).
Me-43 H-46 M 12 yrs 7/09 T 15 2 grown kids bomb 7/05/07 H moved out 8/04/07 11/22/09 told him I quit;let's get ball rolling Mid Dec- he isn't sure he wants D End 2/2010-Starting to consider piecing
I don't know your whole story but from this post, things sound positive....I hope that your H comes around and realizes that he wants his family back together!
I know that the medical field today is just clueless. I've been struggling with my health for many years - and I've just found out by going to a Naturopathic doctor that my serotonin is very very low. I don't feel "depressed" but it's been manifesting in different ways including a low sex drive, I believe.
And my H has always minimized my health "problems".
I will say some prayers for your biopsy results tomorrow morning!
M:36 H:36 M 3 Y T 8 Y No kids Bomb 6/30/08 PA I filed 9/29/09 D final 1/22/2010
Guess what?! The doctor's office called and the results are back-- it's BENIGN! Whooooooooooooo hooooooooo! what a relief! H and I might go 4-wheeling on Saturday if it doesn't rain too much. That might not sound like something to write about, but we haven't gone out and done a fun outdoorsy thing for probably a couple months. I take him to the airport on Sunday.
That means I will have seen him Sunday, Wed, Sat and then Sunday to the airport.
Belle, I have no idea how to get a spouse to fully understand how health issues feel. I hope you get your serotonin fixed-- what are you supposed to do to correct it?
Me-43 H-46 M 12 yrs 7/09 T 15 2 grown kids bomb 7/05/07 H moved out 8/04/07 11/22/09 told him I quit;let's get ball rolling Mid Dec- he isn't sure he wants D End 2/2010-Starting to consider piecing
Yayyyy!!! Trixi. I don't care about the rest, just glad for the benign. WOO HOOO!!!
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
Just finished taking H to airport to go to Turkey. He took me out to a very nice dinner last night.
While at dinner he asked me what was happening with Thanksgiving. Long story short, he actually said that I should ask my mom if he and SS could come for Thanksgiving. Keep in mind, it is my parents, my grandparents, my aunt and uncle, and family friends that helped me move. I thought it was actually pretty brave of him to even consider coming. I asked my mom and she said "no". She said IF he was talking about actually reconciling, etc, then that would be a different story. Bummer. I really want to be with my family on Thanksgiving--and H, my daughter (who doesn't want to see my mom and won't go to Thanksgiving), and SS are my family, too. I was hoping that I wouldn't have to be torn.
OTOH, I can't argue with my mom. H said last night that he is really quite fine with our current sitch because it keeps him interested. That when we lived together it was BORING and he thinks it will go back to that. This way, he gets the 'joy of rediscovering' me. Snort! I said "Don't get all "Journey" me." He does feel that he is getting back the person that he married all those years ago; but fear keeps him from getting off the dime. Well....that and I'm not making him do more. And I said "Is it going to take me saying "Eff You. I'm out." for you to finally realize?" He was really taken aback. He said my whole demeanor changed. He didn't like it. And I don't mean that like he was mad at me, I mean that he didn't like how it felt.
So, now I get to write him an email to tell him Thanksgiving at my folks won't work out; I don't want to burn any future bridges and I want to figure out a way for the 4 of us to get together. UGH! Any ideas on how to finesse an email?
Me-43 H-46 M 12 yrs 7/09 T 15 2 grown kids bomb 7/05/07 H moved out 8/04/07 11/22/09 told him I quit;let's get ball rolling Mid Dec- he isn't sure he wants D End 2/2010-Starting to consider piecing
forget finesse. Just pass on the message from your mother. At least SHE seems clear on your situation, even if you arent :-p
PS: yes, it seems pretty clear that it will take you doing that. He's all but told you that to your face. He likes things exactly the way they are, he doesnt want them to change, and he has no reason to change things as they are.
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
I often wonder how you are doing. But I won't ask. Unless you want to volunteer....
Yes, she is quite clear. I suppose I just don't want to burn any bridges between he and her. But, oh well. That and I feel like I am "bad" for wanting to be with my nuclear family AND my extended family..and I had hoped that it wouldn't turn into some big production. Which now it will be. Why can't I have it all?
A friend of mine thought it was sounded kinda nice that my H gets the joy of rediscovering me. To expand on what H said; for instance I am now drinking wine and really enjoying it and pairing it with different foods. This was something H's parents tried to force on me when I was thyroid impaired and I would pay DEARLY that evening or the next day. (Headache, feeling sick, etc.) Now I can have wine and not have to worry. So, H said that since we've been separated I have "changed A LOT, for instance- the wine thing" and he is really enjoying it.
AND, I see his point. My horizons have been expanding. New people in my life are encouraging me to try new things. And I actually have a similar concern. It WAS boring and I would try to come up with stuff for us to do and he would often not agree or agree but then not emotionally be there. And it DID feel boring. And it was exhausting for me to try to figure out a way to get him to engage. (I am specifically thinking of a trip we made to an island via seaplane where it wasn't nearly as fun as I think it could have been.) Having said that, we had a great time in Costa Rica; of course, he was emotionally engaged so that helped a TON.
I would like to validate his concerns, but also offer up possible solutions. I don't know if he tells me his fears so that I can actually try to address them with him and find a solution OR if he is just trying to create a moving target so I never can "win".
Me-43 H-46 M 12 yrs 7/09 T 15 2 grown kids bomb 7/05/07 H moved out 8/04/07 11/22/09 told him I quit;let's get ball rolling Mid Dec- he isn't sure he wants D End 2/2010-Starting to consider piecing
I would just tell him in a friendly/casual way- sorry you can't come to Thanksgiving. Also, I would say make yourself even less available to him. It sounds like you've had a lot of R talk. It's good to listen to his feelings for a little bit, but don't talk so much yourself about the R.
I think the magic of DB comes in when you re-kindle the closeness and the excitement, but then pull back and show your S they may be 'losing' you- 'losing' this amazing/fun woman! If anything is going to work, it will be this strategy. Good developments are happening, it sounds like he definitely does not want to lose you. So don't be afraid to pull back- I think it will help your sitch. Remember, as long as he thinks he still has you- there is no reason to change- like Dom said!
DBer since 2003 D - 3/24/09 GAL and DBing for myself
