I am MUCH better now... I cried a river at the airport and on the plane reading my latest book "for women only" and then landed and went to see my C today.. she helped me get rid of the negative thinking... the statement I made " I failed my marriage" and she said I didn't fail that it takes two... I wanted to work on it and knew I wasn't perfect.. H made the choices and didn't want to work on it. that those thoughts will cause me to feel sad and pull me down. So true..
When I got home H was there and we hung out a little... I was in a very calm place which was good. I told him I wanted to talk money Sunday or Monday... we touched on a few things and when he was leaving my D for the first time started crying, like an adult would, not a tantrum just crying and telling Dad don't leave, I want you to stay, I want you home, wanting one more kiss and one more hug...
He finally came back in the house for another 15 mins to be with her... he did tear up for a minute too and so did I... My old self would have been like "see what you are doing to her and us" but I just sat there or walked off and let them have some time... and said nothing but tried to be supportive to our daughter.. she was crying so bad and so sad.. she is so confussed why Dad doesn't stay anymore. My H didn't seem as upset as I felt he should be but I am glad he got to see this so he understands how hard this is for her.
He left to go to the store getting his apartment ready for the girls tomorrow... We called him and for the first time he and I talked about R stuff without emotion and just nice simple calmness... I just suggested that we need to be careful to not always buy our D things or think a movie or a pinic is going to always make up for her pain (this is what he was saying to her to try to make her feel better)... he agreed.. that what she wants is time with him ... that we need to make it quality time.
We talked about OW (any other women) and that I know he is not a Mom but for him to try to understand that half my pain with all this is for our girls, the future relationship with him, etc.. that there is no benefit for our girls to be around any other women in the near future. He agreed that it would be a long time before that and that this isn't an issue and hasn't even ever come up with him and OW... I was thankful for this.. I told him that for obvious reason hope it is never HER ... he brought up that he has thought of the possiblity of OM in my life or stepdad down the road that it has made him think and that he is always Dad... and that we are their parents... that no other women or man should ever try to parent them that is our job... My H said that if he ever saw that another women was trying to do this he would be through with her....
So good and bad,,,,good that for the first time we talked about future stuff, our kids, without a pit in my stomach or emotion or attitude out of me... a very calm me. But sad that the more we bring up "future" and I'm not in the convo it confirms how done my H is in his mind .. but I'm actually not sad right now like I've been all week.
He is opening up to me, he texted me 3 jokes last night, doesn't run out of the house when I'm there.. even though I have to swallow my pride and play nice to make mends it is better than the lashing out of anger or emotion... We have laughed together a few times. I still hope and pray someday I get some feelings from him but realize he couldn't give me answers right now anyhow... I just don't think he realizes the pain he has given me with his choices.. but hopefully he has guilt in his quite moments...
Side note - I asked him who all he has told or who knows.. he said no one really but his boss knows we are separated but no details... I was surprised that if this is what he wants why he hasn't told anyone but of course they would ask questions and he won't be telling anyone he left me for a 25yr old... I hate that he still lives in hiding so to speak..
thanks for support.. I feel like i'll do fine tomorrow night.. going to dinner with a girlfriend - kids will be fine - and I play tennis Saturday at noon so I'll get up and out in the morning to work out or something.. keeping busy.. more later
I need to check on everyone else..
Me: 38/H:40 M:7yrs TG: 10yrs 2Girls: 4yr & 7 month old Bomb 8/22/08 OW/EA/PA 8/23/08 with 25yr old Moved out 9/22/08
