Tipper, I have been following your situation, but never felt like I had anything to offer, because, frankly, I am worried about all the gymnastics you are going thru to reconcile with someone that needs to get help. Serious help. If he did get a DUI (or God forbid, seriously injure or kill another person) the financial/emotional impact would be huge. It would take BOTH of you down.
My H seems to have a bit of a drinking issue (doesn't seem to know when to stop once he gets started) and when we were living together, he would go out and sometimes not come home til the wee hours of the morning. It was horrible. And even HE had to admit that a married guy shouldn't be doing what he was doing (going out to bars on his own). Of course he would add "YOU should make it so I don't want to go". *sigh*
For me, if my H said "I will continue to go out to bars, stay out til the wee hours, not be accountable to you, and you better accept that if you want to reconcile" I would probably have to say "Thanks, but no thanks."
Currently H and I are "dating". I don't have to be "exposed" to whatever his shennanigans are. I don't know if he is still doing that sort of thing or not.
Wow- I am babbling. Sheesh- the bottom line that I was *trying* to get to is that I wonder why we LBSs will accept so little? And why is that WE have to walk around on eggshells hoping to not scare the WAS off? Why is it that OUR needs mean so little and that the WASs needs are SO important? Would we expect so little from our friends?
In particular, in your case Tipper, I am just plain concerned at what your H is doing and I am worried that his actions (even if you are "detached" and "forgive" him and "accept" him) will drag YOU down.
Your needs are valid. You deserve to have them met. As to how to approach you H, I don't know. I am more concerned with the big picture-- and that is that he has a serious problem with alcohol and needs help.
Sorry if my first post to you seems overly harsh. I really am just concerned that you are walking directly into a mine-field and no one is waving their arms wildly to try to stop you.
I have continued to be surprised at how no one talks says anything about how he continues to disrespect you. There was another post I did on this thread on Aug 30th that you might want to re-read. Talked about that from "outside" it looks like you are so anxious to be with him that you are willing to sacrifice yourself and your esteem.
I'm going to leave it at that; I seem to be the dissenting voice.
I really want you to find happiness-- and if standing up for what you want/need means you "push him away"- is that what you want for yourself?
Me-43 H-46 M 12 yrs 7/09 T 15 2 grown kids bomb 7/05/07 H moved out 8/04/07 11/22/09 told him I quit;let's get ball rolling Mid Dec- he isn't sure he wants D End 2/2010-Starting to consider piecing
