The one thing I struggle with as the D gets closer to being finalized is the actually finality of it. Almost a feeling a failure and sometimes no matter how good other things are going in my life, this brings me down. Does this feeling eventually disappear for good over time? Any veterans have advice on this?
Brother.... let me assure you... it does get better.
In the midst of my despair, I wondered the same thing. Will I ever feel consistently better? Yes. For sure. In fact, I have a day off today and am catching up on some posts. My new W breezes through the house between appointments for a 10 minute lunch (she's self-employed).
She notices and email from my ex to her re my time with kids this weekend. We actually had a genuine laugh at how one-sided and cold my ex comes accross. As I was laughing, I realized how I truly was over her and the whole ugly sitch. Which, like you, involves my XW with an OM. Shes married to him now in fact.
Years ago, I felt like you describe. Was I a failure? How could I let a marriage fail? Wont I stand out as a loser who couldnt even keep an M together? When I walk into my kids school, will the room fall silent and people stop, point, and whisper quietly to each other... "oh there's the divorced loser who couldnt even hold a marriage together". Would my clients fire me? Would I be employable after my eventual firing by my clients who would now look at me as a total washed out loser?
Yes! This is how insane the questions were in my mind and they beat me up for many months if not years! So much so that I spun out on booze which led to drugs and a whole lot of chaos!
Yet even with that... life is awesome. Not one of my fears came to light even though I was not only divorced, but also became and alcoholic and addict! I upped the ante 10-fold on what I thought people would judge as "loser" and still came out a winner!
Brother... do not believe your fears. They will come knocking. But dont engage a conversation with them. There is a shortage of good people in this world. There is a shortage of good men who are honest, hard working, authentic, sensitive, and just plain old "real".
I had tons of opportunities with women. And I thought I was going to be a late-30's something loser (now 40-something). But that was so far from the case.
I started a new job a couple of years ago. The owner of our company who hired me looks the picture-perfect success. Beautiful family. Prosperous. Charismatic and capable leader. Very well dressed and can handle complex biz situations effortlessly. I figured this guy has not had a rough day in his life. Guess what? He went through a divorce! The picture-perfect family is his second marriage!
If you end up divorced, you are in the 50 percentile at least! It is not uncommon. Sadly it is not uncommon. But it is not uncommon to be divorced. You in fact have the opportunity to leverage this situation into being the best learning experience of your life.
Sounds like you have already started by getting in shape and getting into dating. If you are a good Dad, a good partner to your new lady, a hard-working honest employee or businessman, you will stand so high above the crowd it will shock you. People I have just described are in short supply. And of those that are out there.... many of us are divorced and there is no judgement of it that I have experienced!
So I kinda went on longer than I intended. I hope there is some meaning in all of this for you. I offer it with the deepest of sincerity.
