Can't I Take Away All This Pain

[GoingForward]

I can relate to what happened in your sitch. The same pretty much occurred in mine. My H traveled extensively for his then employer, was gone for days, even weeks at a time. Then would come home, but still wasn't really here, IYKWIM. Like your H, my H took a rather huge liking to his newfound "freedom". The guys he worked with were all single, except for one, and that one M'ed guy did nothing but cheat on his W when they were away for work (H told me). So yeah. They didn't make H's choices for him, but they surely weren't the best influences either.

Anyway, I tried it all, too. Tried talking to my H to let him know, "Hey, things are falling apart here, H. What's going on? I am so lonely. Why don't you see this? Why aren't you listening to me?" I tried telling him in the only way I knew how, and it got me nowhere. Nowhere but here.

I didn't force my H either to make the choice that he did. No spouse makes their H or W go out and decide that. There is no one to blame for an A other than the one who committed it themselves.

But what I AM to blame for was what I did to further deteriorate the M. My communication was terrible. I was hurt, angry, disappointed, you name it, and I wanted to be sure H knew, and many times, I wanted him to hurt like I was hurting, so I pointed out every little thing he did wrong. I would remind him of the poor choices he made. Back then, I could not see that this is what I was really doing. But today, I can look back and see that I was just as wrong as H was.

I'm telling you this because I get the sense that this is kind of what's going on in your sitch.

We actually communicate better now than we have for a couple of years. The sarcasm is not an issue with us. We each give as good as we get, thats just how we have always been. For a long time I tried not saying anything and all that got me was nowhere, I'm not going to hold it in anymore. If that is a hinderance, so be it. I will learn to choose my words more carefully, but I'm still going to say what I need to.

I understand the sarcasm. Honestly, I do. H and I were like that for a long time, too. There's nothing wrong when it's all in fun!

I just wonder how it helps your sitch to use it when H does something you disapprove of and then tell him so in this manner. For example, when he was in the park and something happened with his car (I think?), then it was pointed out to him that he wouldn't be in this situation if it weren't for the bad choices he made and continues to make. It's pretty much being rubbed in his face.

Let me explain that I am not bringing up stuff that happened in the past to relive it and say "look where you're 'wrong'". Instead, I'm just giving an example in your sitch of what doesn't work. These fallouts seem to happen quite a bit.

Say what you feel you need to, but try to remember, as you just said, to choose your words carefully. I think if you could do that, you might begin to see some kind of progress. Not necessarily with the M, but with the R.