The momentum of our SSM recovery continues to speed up, slow down, and occasionally run backwards sometimes, as it did this past month. I'm not entirely sure why (although financial and other life pressures play a big part of it), but we temporarily disconnected from each other: first sexually and then emotionally. Old habits and old reactions to each other came back for both of us, and we were in danger of REALLY spiralling backwards. Last Tuesday, however, our MC woke us both up strongly to this possibility, and stressed how important it was that we *not* unravel the months of improvements that we have made. In effect, he dragged us both over to the edge of the cliff and made us look over the precipice, saying "Do you really want to go back down there again?"
Neither one of us did. We've come way too far up this grueling mountain, and have even caught glimpses of the green valley on the other side. Perhaps it's a case where the climbing gets toughest as you near the top: we've done all the 'easy' work and made all the 'easy' changes, and what's left is for both of us to grapple with the core issues that spiralled our marriage out of control in the first place. Issues that speak to our basic personalities, how we handle intimate relationships, and how we handle sex and our respective sexualities. This means that in order to proceed forward, we *each* have to make further changes within ourselves, and difficult changes at that.
Without going into detail, I'll just state that she and I both have some nice psychological baggage to discard and get past: we have issues of abandonment, neglect, and abuse in both of our childhoods, albeit in very different forms for each. We both come from *very* broken homes, neither of which gave us examples of how to have healthy, intimate relationships. So our counselor essentially has the unenviable job of trying to work both of our cases simultaneously, helping two relationship-crippled folks to help each other and themselves -- and every time one of us stumbles, we both topple to the ground and have to get up again, as a team.
However, our counselor's little "You two are hitting bottom HERE, and no further drops allowed!" session seems to have helped, and we've made the last couple of days ones of improvement. The tension is still there, and we're walking on egg-shells with each other a bit, but we both came away feeling *heard* and better understood. That's a start. We even had a nice in-the-dark-cuddling talk last night and capped it by making love --> tenderly, and each understanding that the other was still feeling stressed, but also wanting to feel close.
I am still very aware of the fact that I am extraordinarily lucky to have a spouse who is actively working with me to fix our previously broken relationship, and to build a marriage that is far stronger and happier than we have ever had. But even so, it's still a rough climb sometimes.
Take care,
-- B.
Me 50, W 45, M for 26 yrs S25, D23, S13, S10 20+ year SSM; recovery began Oct 2007
