Is this worth saving, or am I only fooling myself?

[Dash]

Hi Making,

Thanks for dropping by. I've read your thread and I want to say I really hope things get better for you as time goes on.

I know about the roller coaster. I've been there for four weeks now. Time to get off the ride.

I have every intention of doing what is right for me and my son. And every intention of protecting myself.

In the beginning of all of this I wanted to believe that my W was still there somewhere. I no longer have this illusion. She is not the person I married. Nor do I know this person she has become. Quite honestly at this moment in time, I wouldn't trust her as far as I could toss a bus. Will I ever trust her again? That's up to her to decide. Unlike a truly unconditional love, trust must be earned.

I do not trust, but I do however still love and I finally know what it means to love without condition. Although my love for her could be fading as well. I still hold onto this peace that has found me and I will guard it with every fiber of my being. I must.

I have chosen, whether consciously or subconsciously, to not allow this situation to control me any longer. As you said, I can control only me, my actions, my thoughts.

I have been "dark" with the WAW since Saturday, other than the obligatory email to let her know my plans to see my son this coming Saturday which I sent on Monday morning. I have also "written a script" of how the interaction will go with her when I see her.

She will no doubt want to tag along when I take my son out, but I will politely refuse. I will spend the day and evening with my son, playing, reading to him and enjoying his company. We'll have chicken nuggets and fries for lunch and I'll buy him a small chocolate bar for a treat afterward.

I have already purchased a diaper bag, diapers, an extra set of clothing and baby wipes. No need to even wait for her to gather up his things. All he'll need are the clothes he has on when I pick him up.

What she does at this point is entirely up to her. I will not chase, and I will not be her doormat, I will be friendly but not her friend. Friendship between she and I is something she will also have to earn. It's about self respect.

I believe my sense of peace came from the realization that it is not me that is broken, it is not me that is weak. Yes, I made mistakes, I recognize those mistakes and I own them. They however no longer own me.

If we work things out and do not end up back together, then so be it. It truly will be her loss. She will have managed to cheat herself out of the most wonderful husband she could ever hope for, and she will be doomed to a life of repeated mistakes in R after R. I can no longer feel sorry for her, I can only hope for her sake that she manages to heal herself and to find her own happiness rather than relying on someone else to provide that for her.

I will find mine. With or without her.

Am I ready to give up on "us"? Not at this point. At the same time, I'm no longer willing to give so much either. It's up to her now. She should be the one chasing me. And she will.

When the time comes, we'll play it by ear. But if I don't like the song, I will not dance.

Take care my friend. I'll be checking in on your thread again soon.

Dash