Recently my daughter D7 is getting very upset when it is my weekend and her mom calls. She either does not want to talk to mom or if she does she cries on the phone and after. She misses her mom. D7 gets upset when she has to leave me too, not crying but sad. Of course, mom has a right to call so I would not request she not, but I try to limit my calls when they are with Ex. So I thought I should let Ex know. I emailed:
Me: Just to let you know without suggesting anything, when you call on the weekends it really upsets D7, and S11 to a lesser degree. I just thought you should know.
Her response:
Ex: Jeff, about D7, she cries every Wednesday night and Thursday morning that rolls around because she knows she has to leave me. I am not trying to hurt you. I thought you should know.
I guess I should feel very guilty here. Notice the guilt trip - "I am not trying to hurt you" with the big BUT unsaid: but you are making your daughter unhappy b/c she has to leave mom. She would rather be with mom than with you. This is all your fault Jeff.
Mom wants me to understand that D7 is REALLY upset when she is torn from her mom by my doing ("she knows she has to leave me"). She loves mom so much and mom is #1 in her life. Dad is not needed; dad is causing the pain.
Maybe I am reading too much into this, but I think not. It fits the pattern I have lived with for the past 2-1/2 years.
I just had an interesting exchange on frank_D's thread where I was reminded of compassion, grace, and forgiveness.
It is very hard to feel those things when my 7-year old daughter is suffering and her mom fails to take even partial responsiblity for it - in fact she implies the opposite like I am the low life that caused all this suffering and continues to do so.
