How you proceed depends a lot upon the (probably tense) dynamic that you now have with your husband, your past sexual history together, and how he is 'as a man' sexually.
My first thought is that it *might* be a good idea for you to work towards reawaken THE CHASE in your sexual relationship. That is, turn on your femininity and entice him --> don't chase him, but make sure that he gets the picture that YOU are wanting to be chased....and eventually caught. You are taking on a distinctly feminine role, while encouraging him to take on a distinctly masculine role in this: this can be playful, fun, and emotionally satisifying for the both of you --> it reawakens some deep primal desires that most all of us have. THE CHASE is a game that no couple should ever stop engaging in, no matter how long they've been married, but something that most couples stop doing despite the fact that we continue to *dream* about it -- the woman with their romance movies and novels, and the men with their 'action' (guy-kicks-ass-and-gets-the-girl) movies and novels.
Now, it may be that it has been so long since either of you have engaged in this boy-chases-girl 'game' that he may just give you that "Who are you and what have you done with my wife?" look and balk at the notion of pursuing you. Give it some time, and try to have fun with it. A HUGE, huge part of sexuality is building and maintaining a *close frienship* with your partner, and being able to flirt and just have fun with it is an important component.
If you have been in a long term SSM, then his 'sexual self-confidence' may be flagging, and when he looks at you sexually, he may even feel old bitterness and resentment, rather than desire right now. If that's the case, then reestablishing the close friendship and rebuilding a strong emotional bond first may be necessary. Rewind the clock, as it were, to your early dating days before there was a sexual relationship and proceed from there: become friends first, then lovers when the time is right. In essense, I am advising you to go back to the courting phase of your relatiohship with your H --> that is where you are right now after the years of estrangement and separation. Keep yourself attractive and interesting, become his closest friend, and when you think you're ready, flirt with and entice him into rebuilding the physical relationship again.
I would NOT advise trying to tumble an angry bull into bed right now, unless you feel deeply that it will have a very positive result. More likely, he may engage with you, but then afterwards feel very guilty or even angry --> as if he had just engaged in a one-night-stand with someone with whom he does not (yet) feel *emotionally* intimate. And whether we men admit it or not, that emotional connection is an important component of sex: for sex to really work, it has to be there.
How does this sound? I may be total off-base, trying to gage your situation from a single post, but hopefully this will get the discussion rollowing and more folks chiming in.
Best regards,
Bagheera
Me 50, W 45, M for 26 yrs S25, D23, S13, S10 20+ year SSM; recovery began Oct 2007
