TxMom- help I'm still hopeful -#2 post

[Amy M]

A wise poster on my thread told me a month or so ago..."You can't hear what God's telling you if don't be still and listen." What she was trying to get me to understand is that once I gave my sitch over to God, I really had to let go. I had to stop worrying about it, stop wondering about it, stop blaming myself, stop blaming him, and certainly stop trying to figure out what I needed to do to fix it.

It took me so long to let go. I'm sure I still haven't in some ways. But, I'm working on that. When I begin to wonder whether H will show up at one of S6's practices...I simply stop and say, "Hey, Amy, not your problem. You gave that one to God." It might sound a little dramatic, but it really does help. And, everytime I start to get that really sick feeling in my stomach...you know the one...about what he and OW might be doing at a given moment, I stop and say, "God, please take these images away. They are not good for me, and they are not good for my family."

I've really begun to consider my sitch a wake up call of sorts. It think God has some work he wants me to do, and I was not tuned into that before. I haven't figured out yet what it is (or maybe it's simply to be more focused on my kids), but I keep asking Him about it. He'll reveal His plan for me in time.

In the meantime, if you can let go, it will help. I honestly believe that the convo. I had with H on Monday wasn't so bad. Because I was sort of detached. I expressed regret and frustration, but I was also able to tell him (and really mean it for the first time) that I knew I'd be fine without him and so would the boys. Since that convo., H has made plans to eat with us for S6's b'day party and for S6's b'day on Thanksgiving. He's also returned my ladder (so I can get my Christmas stuff from the attic) and brought to the house his running bag since I mentioned needing to get one for my race next week. He just said that he wasn't using his so I might as well. In addition, this morning, instead of coming in the house to drop off the boys things, he knocked. I didn't answer (I didn't hear the knock) so he left them on the porch. That's the first time he's respected that boundary.

I'm not saying that things in my sitch are any better than they were last week as far as marriage restoration goes, but I do believe that H has relaxed a little in response to feeling less pressure from me. That's maybe allowing him to be a little more "friendly" and a little more respectful. Whether he comes home eventually or not, I want him to be friendly and respectful to me...I want my boys to see their dad that way.

I'd love to tell you that we will both get the answers we need in time, but I'm not sure that's true. In fact, I'm pretty sure it's not. I don't think either of our H's have really stopped to think about things the way we have. They probably wouldn't even be able to really give you truthful answers anyway. They have created their own reality. For the time, your H may be happy. But, I believe that will fade. I think DB'ing is just supposed to allow us to retain some dignity so that when that does fade, he'll look at you and say, "Wow! Now that's a real woman." Rather than be disgusted at how pitiful you are!

You are doing great! I can't imagine how I would have managed 3 years ago when my kids were the ages of yours. Just hang in there. Turn the sitch over to God...really turn it over and let go. That's about all you can do...you have to focus your energy on work and the kids!!!

We'll get through this!

BTW, my run next weekend is in San Antonio. I'll be there Friday through Monday if you want to take a road trip while H has the girls.

Hugs to you!
Amy