Well, I stopped posting in the newcomers a while back because I wasn't about saving my M any longer. I still keep up with a lot of sichs though.
Short story. M in trouble at the start of the year, MC didn't help and then found out about OM, etc. After about two months of struggling, I realized that this was a done deal and over time (with my IC) I realized STBXW wasn't who she made herself out to be. She's a chameleon and she's doing it with OM.
Over the summer/fall I've really changed (for the better). I'm cooking, cleaning, being the single dad (about 70%), lost 60lbs this year (won $1K in a weight loss contest), met someone new and have been dating her for 3+ months. So 2008, has been an interesting year to say the least.
The one thing I struggle with as the D gets closer to being finalized is the actually finality of it. Almost a feeling a failure and sometimes no matter how good other things are going in my life, this brings me down. Does this feeling eventually disappear for good over time? Any veterans have advice on this?
M 35 W 28 D 4
Bomb 4/28/08 Found out about PA 05/14/08 Separated 5/25/08 (not legally)
I know where you are coming from.... Yet, you must keep in mind... Your W blazed off with OM.... You wanted to work on the M... She did not... This is about your W and HER issues... This is NOT about you......
I would humbly suggest she has failed you and your D..... If you did all you possibly could.... You should be proud.. You are a success....
Take Care,
RMG
"The bad things in life open your eyes to the good things you weren't paying attention to before." from "Good Will Hunting"
I try to look at from that perspective. Its hard sometimes. I'm assuming as time goes on, it'll get easier. Another typical thing that W did last night as she was picking up Abby to show her Chameleon-like qualities; she told me she's getting an Xbox. I was like why, you always hated me playing video games....she said she had fun with OM and his friends. Hmmmm.
Well, off to get my wisdom teeth pulled. This should be a fun few days coming up.
M 35 W 28 D 4
Bomb 4/28/08 Found out about PA 05/14/08 Separated 5/25/08 (not legally)
I try to look at from that perspective. Its hard sometimes. I'm assuming as time goes on, it'll get easier. Another typical thing that W did last night as she was picking up Abby to show her Chameleon-like qualities; she told me she's getting an Xbox. I was like why, you always hated me playing video games....she said she had fun with OM and his friends. Hmmmm.
Well, off to get my wisdom teeth pulled. This should be a fun few days coming up.
Hey, my own STBX has made similar startling statements to me. The one that got me the most was, we joined a gym together years ago, lasted about 3 visits as she didn't get it. once she started to get hot, she was finished, so about 30 mins. Now and since about feb time, she loves nothing better than the gym !!!
Come a come a come come come chameleon, they come and go, they come and go o o oo oooo (look up Boy George songs if not familiar....80s pop classic !!!)
My xH has started numerous habits/hobbies that he used to never be interested in (would tease me about some). It used to be frustrating ("Why couldn't he do this back then?" sort of thinking), but it gets easier. Some of the hobbies are great for the kids (he used to never take them out places, now he does), so I try to see that part of it.
And I agree. We didn't fail. I take the blame for my part of the failure of the marriage, but only for the time BEFORE the affair happened. After that, its all on xH. I would have fought to come back from everything, if only I had someone else on my team.
The one thing I struggle with as the D gets closer to being finalized is the actually finality of it. Almost a feeling a failure and sometimes no matter how good other things are going in my life, this brings me down. Does this feeling eventually disappear for good over time? Any veterans have advice on this?
Having been divorced for 10+ years (maybe it's like 12 years now) from my 1st wife, I can say that that failure feeling hasn't completed faded. It's more kind of a regret that I couldn't provide a complete family and that I don't see them daily. I do the best I can with the time I do have with them. But, it's just regret for my kids' sake; I'm soooo glad I'm not married to their mom.
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
And I agree. We didn't fail. I take the blame for my part of the failure of the marriage, but only for the time BEFORE the affair happened. After that, its all on xH. I would have fought to come back from everything, if only I had someone else on my team.
lwb,
I always summed it up as the following:
Quote:
We were both responsible for our M being at the low point it was. My exW was responsible for ending our M.
Take Care,
RMG
"The bad things in life open your eyes to the good things you weren't paying attention to before." from "Good Will Hunting"
The one thing I struggle with as the D gets closer to being finalized is the actually finality of it. Almost a feeling a failure and sometimes no matter how good other things are going in my life, this brings me down. Does this feeling eventually disappear for good over time? Any veterans have advice on this?
Brother.... let me assure you... it does get better.
In the midst of my despair, I wondered the same thing. Will I ever feel consistently better? Yes. For sure. In fact, I have a day off today and am catching up on some posts. My new W breezes through the house between appointments for a 10 minute lunch (she's self-employed).
She notices and email from my ex to her re my time with kids this weekend. We actually had a genuine laugh at how one-sided and cold my ex comes accross. As I was laughing, I realized how I truly was over her and the whole ugly sitch. Which, like you, involves my XW with an OM. Shes married to him now in fact.
Years ago, I felt like you describe. Was I a failure? How could I let a marriage fail? Wont I stand out as a loser who couldnt even keep an M together? When I walk into my kids school, will the room fall silent and people stop, point, and whisper quietly to each other... "oh there's the divorced loser who couldnt even hold a marriage together". Would my clients fire me? Would I be employable after my eventual firing by my clients who would now look at me as a total washed out loser?
Yes! This is how insane the questions were in my mind and they beat me up for many months if not years! So much so that I spun out on booze which led to drugs and a whole lot of chaos!
Yet even with that... life is awesome. Not one of my fears came to light even though I was not only divorced, but also became and alcoholic and addict! I upped the ante 10-fold on what I thought people would judge as "loser" and still came out a winner!
Brother... do not believe your fears. They will come knocking. But dont engage a conversation with them. There is a shortage of good people in this world. There is a shortage of good men who are honest, hard working, authentic, sensitive, and just plain old "real".
I had tons of opportunities with women. And I thought I was going to be a late-30's something loser (now 40-something). But that was so far from the case.
I started a new job a couple of years ago. The owner of our company who hired me looks the picture-perfect success. Beautiful family. Prosperous. Charismatic and capable leader. Very well dressed and can handle complex biz situations effortlessly. I figured this guy has not had a rough day in his life. Guess what? He went through a divorce! The picture-perfect family is his second marriage!
If you end up divorced, you are in the 50 percentile at least! It is not uncommon. Sadly it is not uncommon. But it is not uncommon to be divorced. You in fact have the opportunity to leverage this situation into being the best learning experience of your life.
Sounds like you have already started by getting in shape and getting into dating. If you are a good Dad, a good partner to your new lady, a hard-working honest employee or businessman, you will stand so high above the crowd it will shock you. People I have just described are in short supply. And of those that are out there.... many of us are divorced and there is no judgement of it that I have experienced!
So I kinda went on longer than I intended. I hope there is some meaning in all of this for you. I offer it with the deepest of sincerity.
I really need to post more and here it helped before and is comforting to hear from others. I guess I said failure before but it was more like questioning things I could've done better. I think the disappointment comes from regret for my D. She's absorbed this miraculously well, although I see bits of pieces of her figuring it out. She's adorable and doing "SO" well in school. She loves homework already and really loves her teacher. I'm very proud of her.
Guess the the other struggle comes with OW. She's definitely more like me overall but she has a lot of independance and sometimes this is hard on days I'm free and she wants to kind of do her own thing. I'm trying to take it slow (as we did the first month) but slowly trying to speed things up. We actually have our first trip together (going to the wine country in Napa) so that should be a big test.
M 35 W 28 D 4
Bomb 4/28/08 Found out about PA 05/14/08 Separated 5/25/08 (not legally)
