Short story, W been unhappy for over a year, tried counseling etc, finally asked to be sep in July, been sleeping on the couch since then. Multiple attempts to turn things around have failed (DBing, ask to go back to MC, etc.) and we are now in the middle of medidation. W is going to courthouse tomorrow to file. I have an application in to rent a house and move out in Jan. D should be final in Jan. The day to day is tough living in the same home. She has begun acting very nasty to me lately and things are very tense. We spend as little time around each other as possible. While I am still mourning the loss of my M, I am looking forward to starting a new life without this constant negative influence in my life and hope that by physically seperating, we can work on building a new co-parenting relationship for the sake of our 3 kids.
All for now!
Married 6 years D4 D4 S2 seperated: 7/15/08 Dbomb: 9/21/08 status: seperated in same home, meeting with mediator moving toward D current thread
You've tried and your W will be nasty whilst living together, it's par for the course. Remember they are justifying their choice all the time so do not bite, keep DBing for yourself, the better you. It's for you and your own future now.
It still sucks, but we cannot change things we have no choice over. So you have to move on at some point and for me it was a relief. I still have laspes as you know from my thread and those will continue to happen. Things the kids say spark me off more than their mum, but i'm learning fast to reassure them is all you can do.
I'll jump right in with some advice, though, and it is something that I have seen actually turn another marriage around (NikB):
Set up a space in the home for just you. Nothing extravagant, but you will be needing a new bed/some furniture when you get your house, anyway. Might as well have a few pieces now to get you more comfortable. (My X did that with "family" money before the D, wiping out most of our savings, and I couldn't even get half back of that during the divorce--all assets were split after that).
Then, tell your stbx that you want a schedule with the kids; half-time, if that is what you'd like to see after the D. When you don't have responsibility for the kids, go out and have a life! Meet friends, take up a hobby, come home happy. Come home to your space and shut the door after a friendly Goodnight.
Set up boundaries about your interactions. Say, she starts in on you about financials, D proceedings, or the kids. You can say that you are open to discussing them at a mutually convenient time; how about (day) and (time)? There really isn't anything else that you have to talk about, and you can say just that - "I'd rather not discuss that with you right now."
Not sure if you know all this, but talking a walk through NikB's old threads might be a good idea...
thanks for the advice Donna. We are actually pretty far down the road, have been splitting time with the kids for 4 months now. We already have our agreement in place as far as splitting up furniture etc and things are very amicable. She is filing next week and everything should be done and over with in January, which is when I plan on moving out. I have been GALing for awhile now, meeting friends, making new ones, and I am VERY lucky that I am a volunteer firefighter so I always have the firehouse to go hang out it, it is my haven, my home away from home. We have both tried to be careful about not talking about the D in front of the kids and scheduling time to discuss our agreement after they go to bed. I will check out NikB's threads, thanks!
Married 6 years D4 D4 S2 seperated: 7/15/08 Dbomb: 9/21/08 status: seperated in same home, meeting with mediator moving toward D current thread
Journal, Had a good weekend spending time with the kids. Played paintball on Friday for the first time, what a blast! Working from home today due to the holiday tomorrow and it was a good thing because my D is sick, was throwing up half of the night. One of the good things about being on the couch though as W dealt with it upstairs. So she is sitting on the couch watching cartoons while I work. Off tomorrow, hoping that she is better then as I will have the whole day to myself. Really looking forward to this weekend as it is my best friends wedding and I will be plenty occupied, no time to think about the sitch. Still have not heard back on the house I want to rent yet, but it is no longer being advertised in the paper so I take that as a good thing. Dont know what the heck i will do if I dont get it. So how is everyone else doing today?
Married 6 years D4 D4 S2 seperated: 7/15/08 Dbomb: 9/21/08 status: seperated in same home, meeting with mediator moving toward D current thread
hey there, welcome, sounds like you are handling things well, glad you can mediate (I did too, saved numerous ks that way!) just make sure a L sees it first. I'm always recommending books, a good one to read pertaining kids is "The Co-Parenting Survival Guide: Letting Go of Conflict after a Difficult Divorce" by Elizabeth Thaye
and for you "the spiritual D"
There will be times when you will feel you have it all under control, then before you know it the whole thing will come down on you like a ton of bricks, expect it, brace for it and know you will be stronger and do better as time goes by.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
thanks for the advice Cat. I actually had a curve ball thrown at me today that I think I handled well. This is in regards to our agreement. The state calculates child support but I want to pay half of that to daycare and the other half to her, for a number of reasons. she wants the whole amount to go to her so that she can get a loan and I told her no way. So it looks like we will compromise in that we will put in the order that i will pay her X amount, but we will make a written agreement on the side that I pay the way that I want to. I know, you guys are all going to warn me about trusting her etc. etc, but I think it will work out ok. We also met with a mortgage friend who went over options. basically, there is no way she can take over the house on her own now, so my name will stay on it for hopefully no more than a year or 2. I feel like i keep giving and giving and she keeps feeling that she isnt getting enough. if you guys knew how much I was paying in child support, you would be blown away. Basically, I could buy a REALLY nice brand new car every year with what I am paying her. All in all, this chit is crazy. We have our final meeting with the mediator next friday, then paperwork should start. she is planning on filing in court on friday. We talked today on the way to the mortgage guy and she just started going on and on about how much she wants me out of the house and how much better life will be when I am gone. I got a bit bothered by it but just let it slide off my back, none of it was surprising.
Strength and honor
Married 6 years D4 D4 S2 seperated: 7/15/08 Dbomb: 9/21/08 status: seperated in same home, meeting with mediator moving toward D current thread
Believe while others are doubting. Plan while others are playing. Study while others are sleeping. Decide while others are delaying. Prepare while others are daydreaming. Begin while others are procrastinating. Work while others are wishing. Save while others are wasting. Listen while others are talking. Smile while others are frowning. Commend while others are criticizing. Persist while others are quitting.
Married 6 years D4 D4 S2 seperated: 7/15/08 Dbomb: 9/21/08 status: seperated in same home, meeting with mediator moving toward D current thread
Journal, was in a friends wedding over the weekend and had a great time, but couldnt help but think about my own wedding and what W is throwing away. So, parts were sad, but overall a great time. My W was actually my date, we enjoyed our time there and time with friends, but she left a little early which was fine with me. spent Sunday recovering. I have a house lined up and will be moving in about a month. i am actually pretty excited about it. W is starting to lose it though, in a number of ways. She is making strange statements and seems constantly overwhelmed, upset, short with me and the kids, depressed and just plain miserable. she claims that its just because i am in the house and she cant wait to have me out. Well, that may be, but i dont understand why knowing that i will be out soon does not make her feel better. She even asked me to move my entertainment system in 2 weeks so she could put up her own tv. I was like "and where am i supposed to put it?" so i basically said that i need to wait until I am in the house before moving most of my stuff. Then she spouted on about how i want everything to revolve around my move-out date. Well, duh, I need to wait till I get the house to do anything other than pack!
We have our next meeting with mediator on friday. should have everything worked out. next step will hopefully be to have the papers drawn up.
this is my weekend with the kids, have great plans with them for pretty much the whole time. cant wait.
Married 6 years D4 D4 S2 seperated: 7/15/08 Dbomb: 9/21/08 status: seperated in same home, meeting with mediator moving toward D current thread
