Trixi aka "The Pitbull who can't let go"

[Trixi]

Saw H tonight. This is going to seem disjointed, but I wanted to get it journaled while it is still fresh. Basically this is highlights of the evening.

He still doesn't know what is driving him; but the timing isn't right, right now. He wants to keep things status quo. He doesn't know where we are heading.

He said I was trying to "put his feet to the fire and pressure him". I said that the most ironic part of that, is that it sure LOOKS like I am pressuring him, but if he actually turned around and said "ok, lets try again" I would expect him to put A LOT of effort into wooing me back. (He said "I would think so!") That I would say that I happen to like my house, where I live, etc and I wouldn't want to just move back in there without feeling totally sure he was in it to stay. He said he has thought a lot about that if he did come back, he would do everything possible to make me know that he thinks I am the best thing in the whole world; that he would put a ton of effort into showing me I'm number one in his life, that he was a fool, that he is sorry. (I was glad to hear that he actually had thought about it and realized it would require him to step up to the plate in a big way.)

He always wants me to be in his life.

We were talking about my mom and he said "well, I have to say, I am glad to not have to deal with her anymore." And I said "Oh, so you never want to deal with her again?" and he said "no, no. I'm just saying it's been a nice break to not deal with her."

I asked what he expects of me: he has no expectations of me other than to be there for him, be his supporter, his friend and vice versa.

H said "Obviously, I need you and you need me."

The roommate told him that if H wants to get back together with me and have me move back in, roommate will be out as fast as humanly possible. Also, roommate will probably only be there for less than another year.

Coming over to my cozy little house is sort of a refuge for H.

He started to say something about me not 'really knowing him' 'oh, you have no idea' and then totally reversed it and said "no, no. maybe you really DO know me and that is why you are being so patient with me. You know my heart is true and I love you." I asked him to elaborate on what his original train of thought was and he basically couldn't find the right word; I think he ended up with that he is extremely conflicted.
I said that his confusion confused me.

He is fine if music doesn't actually 'go' anywhere, but how he is living right now is sort of a musician's lifestyle; and that being lonely can be inspirational when it come to song writing. Of course there are many days when he thinks it would be nice for us to have a "normal" life and wake up together, etc.

He said something about if I need to go date other guys, and then I get involved with someone….,[sort of a "that's the risk I’ll have to take" vibe] but he wants me to be happy first and foremost. (I wish I could remember what was said..)

Talked about the girl hitting on him thing (years and years ago) and his feelings were hurt that I didn't step up and tell her to back off. He took that to mean I didn't care.

He said it broke his heart that our family fell apart. (That was back when my thyroid was messed up and I didn't have "extra" energy to go and do stuff with the kids, etc.) I apologized (for the umpteenth time); said I wish I had forced the doctors to do SOMETHING when I went to them and they said I was "fine". I am a little distressed about my biopsy because 2 years ago I went to the doctor and said I felt "funny" in the area they took the biopsy from. The doctor couldn't feel anything, but ordered a mammogram and the radiologist refused because I was 39 (not 40) and the doc hadn't actually felt something. WTF?!? Lesson learned- do not take "no" for an answer.

I asked him what he would tell me if I was a friend of his and I had come to him talking about a guy treating me like he treats me. And he said that he would probably tell me to kick the guy to the curb, that I was being used, etc. But that from the outside looking in, it is easy to disregard the love people feel and not know the whole story.

I told him I was mad because he didn't seem worried about my biopsy and he said he was; and then he said "Have you been really scared? Come here, baby" and he just held me while I cried. And then he said (with tears in his eyes, while he brushed my hair from my face) "You're gonna be fine. Cuz you have to be fine. You just have to be fine."

I "have no idea" how often he thinks that he is crazy for not just getting back together.

I get my biopsy results Friday morning. He leaves for Turkey on Sunday (for two weeks).