It's Tx Mom.. 2nd thread.. trying to hold on...

[TxMomw/2girls]

thanks Lin,

you have such good wisdom because you've been here where I am and you pushed through and your H came home... I do agree that my H might not feel worthy of our love or loving himself right now....

I'm journaling.....

Boy this week is a hard one... I'm am just so sad.. sad for failing my marriage, sad for my future without H. Sad for all the memories he is creating with OW and soooo sad for my girls and for me to have to give them over to my H and I'm not with him/them to enjoy.

My H doesn't seem sad, doesn't seem hurt, he has been 70% accountable to the girls, but does slip once or so a week... but is it just a guy thing, or his thing... maybe the H I had and the great Dad he is/was wasn't really him. Men don't have those maternal instincts, and don't miss there kids like Moms do ... it is just different. I'm scared that my H isn't having a MLC, or isn't in a "fog" that he is ok and just happy in this new relationship.

I also feel like I want to share with him my feelings, why do I need to play the games? Why is it so wrong if I called him when I was crying and just say I'm sad this has gotten so bad? I feel at some point I need him to just talk to me, I'm doing all the suffering and he is just as happy as can be, honestly I don't see any guilt or sadness anymore like I did the first 3 weeks he moved out.. I think he is getting comfortable with his new life style. I don't think he cares what he is doing to the family, kids. I have to believe at some point he'll have a moment when the dust settles and he is out of the newness of this relationship with OW that he'll look back and say " gosh what have I done" or " gosh I wish I would have tried harder for my marriage" ....

I feel I won't be able to fully move on and have closure if I don't get answers someday, do counseling with him, get some closure from him... I know now isn't the time but I hope someday he will be able to talk to me about all this and what really drove him to leave me.

I'm tired of loosing minutes, hours, days to sadness or anger... I want to truely feel happy again... don't get me wrong I am happier and have come a long way in little over 2 months since bomb.. but I still have too many moments where I just have pain and feel like a failure... I know it will take time.... and I hate it... hate that this journey will be so long and so painful... the emotional cycles I'm going through are driving me crazy...

I don't want my marriage to end.... somedays I still can't believe this is happening

how to push through?? how to have strength to make my changes and make H want me and our family again.... Gosh I pray and I know God is listening but somedays I don't hear his response... what is he trying to tell me...