When the anger, self pity, and fear are overcome, it's amazing how compassion takes hold. We can finally see outside of our own needs and desires. With that compassion comes forgiveness and with that forgiveness, comes freedom and peace. FINALLY, we realize our biggest obstacle to overcoming this sadness and despair was not our spouses, but ourselves and our own insecurities. NOW we understand what unconditional love means.
We can turn the other cheek now and move on.
"It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare." -Mark Twain
For the record, I did not mean to imply not being their *friend* meant being an enemy, or not treating them with compassion and grace. Not being friends does not mean forgivenss is not there.
In my case I still do have anger and bitterness to process. Compassion, grace, and forgiveness is a state of being, not something you *do*. Once I fully process my emotions then perhaps I will reach that state. That is the message of one of my favorite books by Dr John Gray on Starting Over.
But even after I reach that state, I will most likely not seek my Ex out as a friend. Not b/c of what she did but b/c of who she is now. That is a personal decision of course and I am not suggesting that is the course for everyone.
My feeling is that we should not feel the need to make friends with our Ex spouse. In fact, in my case that can prevent me from moving on. A friendship may cause us to remain too close to the former relationship and create false hope. We can get wrapped up *doing* the compassion and forgivness to a degree that we can develop a smug, self-righteous attitude and even a martyr complex. We stay in a bad relationship b/c it feels good to be so *good*. Always turning the other cheek or always supporting our friend can in fact enable bad behaviors.
That is really why I reacted to Amy's post. I feared that you may becoming "too detached" or emotionally numb rather than detached. Combine that with talk of becoming friends - well I was concerned that you could cloud your assessment of your current situation and prevent you from taking skillful charge of your future.
Are you happy in your current situation? For now, seeing her one hour out of every 24 may be a good thing. Look at how much you are accomplishing at work. And look at how the time alone is helping you adjust to the situation.
But how about the long haul?
You are correct, we are about the same age (did you call me old? ). Life is too short to get stuck. We are too young not to love again.
Anyway, enugh said. Your post eased my fears; you seem to be in the right frame of mind and that is good.
For the record, I did not mean to imply not being their *friend* meant being an enemy, or not treating them with compassion and grace. Not being friends does not mean forgivenss is not there.
Oh I know that, you're not mean spirited.
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But even after I reach that state, I will most likely not seek my Ex out as a friend. Not b/c of what she did but b/c of who she is now. That is a personal decision of course and I am not suggesting that is the course for everyone.
I'm not seeking her out either. I'm just not treating her like an enemy any more. I said in my earlier post is was LIKE we were friends. But we're not. In the 'friend' sense we never will be. I don't want to hang out with her or anything else unless she is my wife, or at least not with another man.
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My feeling is that we should not feel the need to make friends with our Ex spouse. In fact, in my case that can prevent me from moving on. A friendship may cause us to remain too close to the former relationship and create false hope.
I agree. I think of her more as an aquaintance(sp?).
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Are you happy in your current situation? For now, seeing her one hour out of every 24 may be a good thing. Look at how much you are accomplishing at work. And look at how the time alone is helping you adjust to the situation.
I'm feeling empowered and more like a man who CAN take care of his family. I guess I'm at a place of peace that I haven't been at in a long time. And I don't really 'see' her for one hour out of 24. She is here, but I may speak to her for 2 minutes at most.
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Anyway, enugh said. Your post eased my fears; you seem to be in the right frame of mind and that is good.
This morning I did not get up while W was here for the morning visit with the girls.
Around 8:30 she called me and asked if she cold come by and get some of the sheets she uses for massage that were in the dryer as she got some massages this morning that she needed them for. See, since thursday is her day to come for dinner with the girls she will usually bring a load of sheets and start them in the morning so they'll be done in the evening when she returns.
Anyway I was friendly and upbeat when she called and said "Sure, come on over!"
I also told her that I had noticed there were sheets in the dryer and they were still damp so I put them on 'touch up'. She thanked me for that.
She came over 5 minutes later and was talkative while I was eating my breakfast. I just listened. She was telling me how she has been busy the past few nights with massages and she was glad to get the business and is also doing a lot of part time filing for her small business friends.
I was wearing a T-shirt she had bought me years ago that had a picture of the "Pillsbury Dough boy" on it that said 'Wake and Bake'. At one point she walked by me and said "Wake and Bake!" and poked my belly and did the dough boy 'laugh'. I laughed with her.
Later I asked her if she had paid the health insurance for her and the girls yet and she said no. I asked her if it was here and if so to give it to me and I'd pay it. She started with the 'you don't have to it's my responsibility' but relented and gave it to me anyway. After she left I got the bill to pay it and saw it was 3 days past the cancellation date. It also was a bill for 2 months in advance so I paid both. Taking care of my family.
I'm not seeking her out either. I'm just not treating her like an enemy any more.
Can ya please pass the jelly? (AllFruit commercial) Wish I had some of that anti-enemy cream at my house.
You sound good. Keep it up. FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
Thanks again frank. You continue to help me even though life is difficult for you. My Ex tried to push a button today (posted on my thread) but I did not respond - compassion and forgiveness.
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I was wearing a T-shirt she had bought me years ago that had a picture of the "Pillsbury Dough boy" on it that said 'Wake and Bake'.
How much for that picture? How much? You can make more than your software job with a raffle for a picture like that
). Life is too short to get stuck. We are too young not to love again.
