Is this worth saving, or am I only fooling myself?

[whatdidido]

Your feelings are all normal. I remember saying that....Loving someone shouldn't be this hard. Believe me, Dash, marriage is hard work. You DO have the strength to do this. It's not over. Lean on the people here. We want you to keep your marriage. People in the outside world will tell you to dump her. YOur son deserves a happy family to live with and if she comes out of her fog, you can create that.

[faithrunner]

Hey Dash, I also struggled with the NC for me and knowing that H and OW were probably emailing like mad. That is hard. I'm trying to train myself to say STOP when those thoughts come into my mind, and then distract myself with something positive. Reading here always makes me feel better. There is a lot of great advice. Keep learning. It shouldn't be this hard, but this is where you are so embrace it and learn from it for your own sake. I promise you that the better you feel about YOU, the easier it is to deal with the uncertainty of your W.

Take care.

[Scotsman]

Hi Dash,

I'm so sorry to read of your situation but you are with great company here, keeping reading and posting!

If you need to vent or have a good cry, do it here or with a trusted friend or family member. Part of your healing comes from detaching from your wife and part of that means not engaging in emotionally intense (and currently fruitless) conversations.
Showing a strong confident you will have a bigger effect on your wife than any of the crying, pleading and begging behaviours most of us do at the start! It will also help your emotional and mental state once you start "making" yourself act like that.

Just a quick observation, but in your state is your wife allowed to take your son so far away without your consent? MakingChanges made a very salient point about being involved in your son's life, I think you should be very calm but very assertive about the living arrangements concerning your son.

Her comment about you moving house to be nearer her sounds like typical selfish unfaithful spouse fantasy script. Do you want 50/50 custody now? Given the physical distance between you and your wife right now maybe a weekly rotation would be the most feasible and certainly fairer than the current set up. I'm sure your wife won't like it but tough, if she wants the separate life then losing her son part of the time is part of that price. Besides, why should you lose out on your son on top of everything else you are going through? Why should he lose out on his father?

In your position (and I was there 10 months ago..) I would drop all relationship conversations, show her only you being strong and calm, even when you feel like cr@p on the inside (trust me, this gets easier with time). Be polite and respecful but don't be a doormat. Be civil and friendly but certainly not her friend. Now is not the time to give her any emotional support given her affair, bailing on the marriage and taking your child. She wants to be without you? Show her what it will be like.

Make getting your son more often your number 1 priority and make re-connecting with yourself and others who love and support you you number 2 mission. Keep busy trying to do things you enjoy doing, take your son out on more trips. Remember this isn't all about you. Just because she is treating you awfully doesn't mean at all that you deserve it and you are somehow a lesser being. This is another part of detaching, no longer being defined by how another treats you, needing validation or support to "complete" you (as Dr Evil would say..).

I now this tough, this is hell right now but, certainly for me, once I stopped engaging in emotion led behaviours and actively worked on myself and detaching from wife things got better.

Take care my friend and take care of your little boy, he needs you more than ever right now.

Scotsman

[Dash]

Thanks for all the support guys. I really need it and appreciate it.

The strangest thing happened last night.

The dog starting barking like mad at something outside (probably a raccoon) so I went out to see what was going on. I now live in a heavily wooded area so who knows what was out there, but I didn't see anything.

Anyway, I stood on the front porch for a few minutes just listening to the rain and suddenly I felt at peace. It was an instantaneous thing that just "hit" me. Maybe it's just my body's way of saying "enough". For the first time since she's left I feel like everything will really be okay.

No anger, no hurt, no missing her, just peace. I woke up this morning thinking that feeling would be gone. Much to my surprise it wasn't. I still feel like everything is going to be just fine. And for some reason, I feel like things between she and I are going to work out.

Maybe I'm only fooling myself, but there seems to be so much clarity in my mind at this moment. I know it's going to take a lot of hard work, but right now, I'm up to the task.

As I said, maybe it's only me fooling myself, but I hope not. I really have no expectations other than everything is going to be okay.

Scotsman, I read your thread last night. I'm so very sorry that you're having to endure this pain, I wouldn't wish this sort of turmoil upon my worst enemy I don't think. I wish I had something to offer you in terms of advice. All I can offer is the same as you offered me. Let us be your sounding board when you need to vent, when you're frustrated, when you're hurt, when you're angry. And know that we will be there for you as much as possible.

I'm not a religious person, but I do believe there is something greater than ourselves within the clockwork of the universe. Perhaps this is the direction we're supposed to take.

I really hope this feeling lasts. I don't want to let go of it. It's like being "high" without having to resort to drugs or alcohol to get there.

I hope all of you have a great day. Each of you will be in my thoughts as I make my way through my part of this reality.

Dash

[Br44]

Dash -

you're on the rollercoaster... things will happen to take your "peace" away from you until this situation is over.

Please do what is right for YOU and YOUR SON. That is all you can control right now. Protect yourself please.

I trusted and cared and loved and got taken advantage of. Don't let it happen to you if you can help it.

[Dash]

Hi Making,

Thanks for dropping by. I've read your thread and I want to say I really hope things get better for you as time goes on.

I know about the roller coaster. I've been there for four weeks now. Time to get off the ride.

I have every intention of doing what is right for me and my son. And every intention of protecting myself.

In the beginning of all of this I wanted to believe that my W was still there somewhere. I no longer have this illusion. She is not the person I married. Nor do I know this person she has become. Quite honestly at this moment in time, I wouldn't trust her as far as I could toss a bus. Will I ever trust her again? That's up to her to decide. Unlike a truly unconditional love, trust must be earned.

I do not trust, but I do however still love and I finally know what it means to love without condition. Although my love for her could be fading as well. I still hold onto this peace that has found me and I will guard it with every fiber of my being. I must.

I have chosen, whether consciously or subconsciously, to not allow this situation to control me any longer. As you said, I can control only me, my actions, my thoughts.

I have been "dark" with the WAW since Saturday, other than the obligatory email to let her know my plans to see my son this coming Saturday which I sent on Monday morning. I have also "written a script" of how the interaction will go with her when I see her.

She will no doubt want to tag along when I take my son out, but I will politely refuse. I will spend the day and evening with my son, playing, reading to him and enjoying his company. We'll have chicken nuggets and fries for lunch and I'll buy him a small chocolate bar for a treat afterward.

I have already purchased a diaper bag, diapers, an extra set of clothing and baby wipes. No need to even wait for her to gather up his things. All he'll need are the clothes he has on when I pick him up.

What she does at this point is entirely up to her. I will not chase, and I will not be her doormat, I will be friendly but not her friend. Friendship between she and I is something she will also have to earn. It's about self respect.

I believe my sense of peace came from the realization that it is not me that is broken, it is not me that is weak. Yes, I made mistakes, I recognize those mistakes and I own them. They however no longer own me.

If we work things out and do not end up back together, then so be it. It truly will be her loss. She will have managed to cheat herself out of the most wonderful husband she could ever hope for, and she will be doomed to a life of repeated mistakes in R after R. I can no longer feel sorry for her, I can only hope for her sake that she manages to heal herself and to find her own happiness rather than relying on someone else to provide that for her.

I will find mine. With or without her.

Am I ready to give up on "us"? Not at this point. At the same time, I'm no longer willing to give so much either. It's up to her now. She should be the one chasing me. And she will.

When the time comes, we'll play it by ear. But if I don't like the song, I will not dance.

Take care my friend. I'll be checking in on your thread again soon.

Dash

[Dash]

Just got an email from the WAW. She says she will let me know about Saturday and spending it with my son as that's when she is planning on moving her things from her parents' place into her apartment.

I'm not even going to bother with a reply. Saturday morning she'll see me when I go to pick up my son. Why should my life revolved around her plans? I'm the one driving 3.5 hours to visit with my boy, not with her. As far as I'm concerned, her plans be damned.

I think she's hoping for someone to "baby-sit" while she does the moving thing, sorry about her luck.

Someone here has as a signature something about choices and not being able to choose the consequences. I think she's about to learn that first hand.

Do I sound bitter or is it just me? Because honestly I don't feel bitter, I'm just stating things matter-of-factly. I'm tired of her having her cake and eating it too while there's nothing for me.

[Scotsman]

Dash,

You're sounding good and I think you are on the right track, I am pleased to see that. Stick in there we are all here for you.

Thanks for stopping by my thread also, I really appreciate that:)

Have you had any more thoughts about the custody issue and living arrangements with your son?

Take care, Scotsman

[Dash]

Scotsman,

I do have thoughts on that, but I'm not sure I'm willing to share those here at the moment.

I know what I have to do. At the moment, I'm still going to give this some time. I have only been "dark" for a few days. My time line right now is six months. That's more than the book calls for I think, but I'm willing to let it go that long before I make any major decisions. She's the one that wants the divorce (even though she has never actually said the word), so she can file if she wants it that badly. Right now I'm getting my ducks in a row.

Thanks for stopping in again. I'll be checking in on you later.

Dash

[Dash]

Just journaling ... sort of.

I re-read the email my WAW sent to me yesterday. I'm noticing a pattern. Every time she emails me they're shorter and shorter. Always some excuse, too tired, sick, just not feeling "chatty", on her way out, too busy, baby needs her. Do their lies ever stop? Do they ever stop lying to themselves?

When I was allowing her to call me every night the conversations got longer and longer. But since I've asked her not to contact me except where our son is concerned, the emails are very short and seem almost hateful.

I think DBing is a good plan for a lot of people. But the more I think about it, the more I begin to wonder if it's really for me. How can I repair a relationship when I'm the only one willing? When I'm the only one that has recognized that I too have ownership in the breakdown of the relationship.

The more I think about her, the more I realize how broken she truly is. How easily she gives up on things that she supposedly loves (I still have her cat). How easily she gave up on us and moved on.

How can I convince her that she needs to get help with her emotional issues? It's a rhetorical question. The plan fact is, I can't.

I'm a "fixer" by nature. I'm a servicer. I like to create things to show my love. Hand made wooden jewelry boxes, a table for the television, poetry, hand written letters. Flowers for no reason, a card in the mail just because, a note on the bathroom mirror or taped to the television, "Hope you have a great day. I love you."

None of which I've done in the past couple of years, but after her secretly planning to leave me and me finding out on so many occasions, I just gave up. I stopped doing all the things that I thought I was doing to show her I loved her.

Once she said to me, "Poetry is no big deal. Lots of guys have written me poetry." I haven't written a poem since then.

I'm not really down about it, just facing reality I think. I know, patience is supposed to be the key. But while she has him to turn to, where does that leave me? Puppy said it best, "Limbo sukks!" How much patience is needed? Six months? A year? Two years? I'm not getting any younger. And I can't help but wonder if she really ever loved me and if she knows what love really is. I don't know that I knew what it meant until now.

She has the "tough guy" mentality. Never let anyone see that you care or that you're hurt by anything and sweep it under the rug and maybe it will stay there. How do I get through to someone like that? If I couldn't do it while we were together, what chance do I have now? Especially with her being so far away.

Maybe it's time to just accept that some marriages really can't be saved no matter how much one person wants it. Maybe some marriages shouldn't be saved.

I also question my own motives. I know I love her, but am I in love with her? Or is it that I just enjoy being married? I enjoy having my family together.

How could things have gotten so screwed up and how could I have ignored the fact that they were?

How's that old saying go? If you love something, set it free, if it comes back, it's yours, if it doesn't, it never was.

Maybe it's time to just set us both free.

Dash