Oh yeah, it is just as "she wants it" anyway, for now. I've been reading "I hate you, don't leave me." It's about people who suffer from BPD. There are several real-life stories in the book and it's amazing the thought processes in these people's minds. Some are my W to a T. Gives me some insight into her world as she perceives it. Her fear of abandonment keeps her here so long as she thinks that I'm waiting for her. But because she can't feel any real empathy, she's searching for that new love that puts a band-aid over the pain she's been feeling for years. I can't compete with that. I'm a normal guy who's tired of playing nice so that I don't get bitten by the emotional vampire.
I struggle with telling her how I really feel (that I pretty much hate her for what she's doing to the kids, still not home tonight)vs. keeping the cordial peace that I've been doing. I've been doing that for selfish reasons. Plain and simple, I want primary custody if there's a D. Given her BPD tendencies, I'm afraid that if I "rock the boat" too much before any filing; she will make my life a living hell. I do fear that she would use the kids as revenge toward me, even though she care less about the kids 95% of the time. She loves them, but only on her time and in her way.
Right now, I would be absolutely devastated if she got custody, because they depend on me daily. This is our schedule, 5am I get up and ready for work; 6am I get the kids up, fed, dressed on S on the bus at 6:55am, then D to early pre-school by 7:15am. Then I'm at work by 7:50 am and stay until 4:30pm. I'm picking D at 5:05pm; then S at 5:30pm. We're home by 5:45, if there are no sports practices or shopping to be done. Dinner no later than 6:30/7pm. Homework, then baths by 8pm. A little play time then bed by 9pm. And somewhere in there is laundry, cleaning the kitchen, feeding the petting zoo, etc.
W's schedule (if she's here). Up at who knows when. Out the door while we're gone. Comes home sometime during the night. If she stays home at night; she's either sleeping or eating. The only time the kids get any mommy time is if they lay in the bed or on the couch while she's watching TV.
So yeah, as long as I let that sitch perpetuate, she's got it made and in "her not right mind" it's as it should be. She thinks that she controls me and that's the way she wants it. Wait until I get the finances ready; she's dragging her feet on providing her payroll information. But see she knows that I won't file for D until this is taken care of; but what she doesn't know is that I can do it without her help. It may come to that. We'll see.
