Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
I respect Amy so much so I will most likely get banned but I have to say it:
Friends don't treat friends the way frank's W is treating him.
Friends do things together. Friends watch each others back. Friends are loyal. Friends like you despite your faults. Friends jump in front of that train to save you. Friends laugh with you and cry with you and share. They open up to you and help you grow.
Make coffee? Clean house? Hire a maid service - friends do so much more.
Friends make us complete.
Friends don't do things behind our backs. Friends don't cheat. Friends don't use.
From a post log ago (3/28/06) and yes it says "best friend" but ...:
Quote:
Counselor spent the session discussing with me that I need to play 'hardball' now and take care of myself, no longer give her support. Start the process. Make it real. She observed that I 'keep giving to her' because I'm afraid if I don't it will push her farther away. But that doesn't matter any more, and it's only hurting me and enabling W. She is getting energy from me whenever she 'needs' it and doesn't have to give me anything in return. That energy source won't be available out there in the 'real' world. And W's desire for me to be her 'Best Friend' is unrealistic. You don't just TAKE from your Best Friend.
Another (4/1/06):
Quote:
So, Counselor said 'take it away'. Make her see what divorce will really be like. You will NOT be her best friend. You'll be 'friendly' but it is unrealistic for a WAS to think they can just walk away and everything will be peachy keen.
Don't relive the past frank - learn from it.
She is the mother of your children. That warrents respect. But that is not being a friend; that is co-parenting best you can for your kids.
Where will that "friendship" be when you meet that special woman? And you will.
But will you venture out as long as things stay as they are?????
Go ahead, keep insisting this is having no affect on you.
I respect Amy so much so I will most likely get banned but I have to say it:
Friends don't treat friends the way frank's W is treating him.
Why would you get banned for that? You can disagree with me.
This is about grace, Jeff. Receiving it and extending it. Whether it is deserved or not.
It's a higher place of praise.
I'm not going to get into what Frank's wife does or does not deserve but I have no problem telling you that when grace and mercy are extended to a person who does not feel they deserve them, it has the potential to change many things. And make no mistake, there are levels at which Frank's wife KNOWS she doesn't deserve his kindness. When Frank finds it within himself to be kind to her, he is closer to his Creator than he even realizes and he opens doors for His further work in Frank's life, independent of his marriage. When his wife receives that kindness, it opens the door for conviction and that right there is where the rubber's gonna meet the road.
Like it or not and disagree if you will, but I am telling you what I know.
Jeff, I agree with your judgment of my W and your XW. I feel like you feel, that they don't deserve us to be their 'friends' after what they have done to us and our family.
For me, hanging on to that anger just causes ME hurt.
Interestingly enough, I happened to turn on the radio today and hear Dr Laura talking to someone who was feeling guilt and anger about her husband having an affair. I don't particularly care for Dr Laura but she said something to this woman that resonated with me. She said:
"Well when you are done indulging yourself in your guilt and anger because you feel you are justified, then maybe you can start being the best person you can be in your interactions with your husband and treat him the way you want and deserve to be treated."
It was the 'indulging yourself' comment that struck me. She wasn't saying the caller was a 'brat', she was saying that the caller was wallowing in the hurt and anger because she felt she 'deserved it'.
Who 'deserves' to wallow in anger? Yet we do.
I submit that AmyC 'indulged herself' in guilt. When she stopped, life changed.
I 'indulged myself' in anger, pity and fear plus guilt.
Now I am confident and see a bright future with or without W. And I have stopped judging her and instead I look at her as a lost soul who needs a light to show her the way.
I am that light. Always have been. BUT that doesn't mean that 'the way' is with me.
So, as AmyC says, I do treat her with grace because _I_ am above this. I'm not her 'friend', I can't be right now. What I CAN be is friendly and in grace. Right now.
In the future I don't know.
Jeff, let it go. Be Jeff. You and I are almost the same age and holding on to our negative 'indulgences' doesn't hurt our W's. It hurts us. And anything that hurts us hurts our kids.
Tonight W called me to ask me if I knew the funeral plans for her Dads mother. I did because his wife E-Mailed me the info. As you may recall I am close with them and they don't approve of her actions.
Anyway, the funeral is in a town abut 1/2 hour drive from us....
W: So we'll drive separately and the girls can choose who they want to drive with.
Me: Why don't the four of us take the Prius and save gas.
W: (a little flustered) Well, I don't know if you are comfortable driving with me... Uh, actually I don't know if I'll feel comfortable with you because... Well I don't want issues...
Me: (being very upbeat) Nah, we're fine, we'll all get along well!
Now I am confident and see a bright future with or without W. And I have stopped judging her and instead I look at her as a lost soul who needs a light to show her the way.
I am that light. Always have been. BUT that doesn't mean that 'the way' is with me.
Have you found that to be a liberating realization yet, Frank?
Tonight W called me to ask me if I knew the funeral plans for her Dads mother. I did because his wife E-Mailed me the info. As you may recall I am close with them and they don't approve of her actions.
Anyway, the funeral is in a town abut 1/2 hour drive from us....
W: So we'll drive separately and the girls can choose who they want to drive with.
Me: Why don't the four of us take the Prius and save gas.
W: (a little flustered) Well, I don't know if you are comfortable driving with me... Uh, actually I don't know if I'll feel comfortable with you because... Well I don't want issues...
Me: (being very upbeat) Nah, we're fine, we'll all get along well!
