Trying2Live-Post #3

[Trying2live]

Marisol,
I like that fact that you are really staying on the not answering right away thing. Nice!

I can understand you confusion, I mean its like love hate for all of us. Its hard not to loop the action into the person if that makes sense.

I do however like some of the answers you gave to him in that conversation. The negative emotions stuff, try and reduce but not all of that was bad. You see you hear a lot of fog babble, so its kinda good to fog babble the same stuff back. Like If they say I don't love you anymore, you can say yeah I noticed you don't love me anymore stuff like that. Remember only listen to very little of what comes out its fog talk.

I liked to think that you have to hit rock bottom before you can look up. Maybe these men need a little of that to see what they have. Im not saying be snotty, but that's where detaching and pulling back just a bit is good. I mean the 1st 5 months I probably only talked to my H maybe 4 times for an ENTIRE month and that probably was via email or text and for the most part saw him maybe 5-6 for the whole 5 month period. I have now implemented plan A in the SAA book and will be stopping and goin got Plan B on Nov 22nd.

If he wants the D I think its great what you said, its fine to say ya know this is so painful for me I don't want a D and I just can deal with it right now and I was hoping maybe we can hold off for a bit maybe we can tackle this after the holidays how would you feel about that? This might buy you some time.

Have you read SAA? Do you know what his emotional needs are? Ladies if you don't know your spouses top 5 emotional needs per the book its like fighting a losing battle. But remember most of you are in the stage of reducing negative emotions and detaching a bit.

And now that your moved in it's time to find you a fun GAL activity.

Now if your H does come back ladies that's where the SAA helps because there is a clear cut plan and conditions before they can come back. They must approve the conditions before you let them in or it could happen all over again as part of this is an addiction.

If H ever did come back you would need possibly a financial condition for him to agree to. That would be the wisest choice. Ok back later gotta go to church....

[hope3343]

Hi everyone, T2L, can't believe H showed up. This is going well I pray. Need details why he showed up.

Marisol, I still check things but I have scaled back trying to spy. I know my H spends most nights at OW, but if i obsess about it too long I freak out. I know they tell each other they love each other (never heard it I just know), but it is an addiction and it looks like he is deep into it. I am hoping the longer he is with her that they will start to grate on each other. I pray for this everyday. It hurts but detaching does work for me. Do I feel lost -- yes, depressed - yes, lonely - yes but long as I don't see him it is more manageable.

Remember how I sent the text telling him that he didn't need to call me... Well guess who called me?? I did not pick up. He called up and said I know you texted me that I did not need to call you but wondering what advice you needed (top 5 - admiration), but you don't have to call me back, also tell D15 I miss her and love her. (I didn't call her), then D15 tells me she gets a text from H saying I know you are angry but I miss you. (she didn't call him back), Did this drive him over to the OW's house tonight -- I am sure but will they get along when he is depressed (I hope not). One day at a time. Some days are worst than others.

It is good we are here for each other on this board. I don't know what I would do. Sometimes friends don't understand, and family wants to end your pain by telling you to divorce, but here we understand and support one another.

[Trying2live]

Hey there! I'm back.
Hope very nice not answering, ya know I can hear him come out of the fog a bit-but remember NO EXPECTATION that's a good sign but your still in the early stages. Didn't I tell you that in a weird way you would feel better when he is gone. its like the crazy atmosphere leaves. I used to say Idk how you guys did it with H still in the house. I'm glad you are staying busy. I think when I go to Plan B per SAA book I will paint my room and do some decorating.

I am envisioning daily myself having the most joy that is possible during the Holidays. I remind my self that God loves me, I have wonderful friends and family who love me. I breath in my lungs,and I have my munchkins, what more can one ask for? A lot of people that I personally know are going through the same thing and they got a boyfriend so fast. Not even divorced and now I listen to them and there problems. I want to be at a place where I can have joy and peace just as I am and NOT because a spouse is at my side. I know that sounds so crazy but its so important to me. Though our spouses are a blessing to our lives they should never be our source of joy and peace only a blessing to the joy an peace. God gives us joy and peace in the midst of storms. Peace doesn't leave us we leave the position of peace and I don't want to do that. So this Holiday I am going to try my darnedest to enjoy it, because I have my kids who are just life to me and i want to enjoy every minute of it with them. They deserve a mom with as much joy as possible so they can enjoy the season too. Ok I'm rambling.....

I know what your feeling at times hope I have been there and I'm sure when I go to plan b it will be difficult but you know what helped me during that time was to GAL, keep busy, redirect your focus every time the sorrow comes just change your thoughts immediately talk with friends, and know that it does get just a tiny bit easier as you get more confident and stronger and skinnier LOLOLOLOL I;m kidding but its a great confidence builder and I'm so proud of your diligence in getting that healthy strong body.

Sounds like being unavailable and not answering calls is getting to him. I really feel like although this hurts its a great season of growth for you too, because you are learning to let go in areas, does that make sense? And I feel like the more that happens the more of that relaxed and joyful person maybe you used to be able to be is going to come back. I know as we get in ruts as married women and myself too, we lose that feminine nature that I told you all about and we get so serious and we forget how to laugh. I just thought of this, goal for everyone for the next week, I did this myself because I didn't know how to get back to feeling normal and one day I think God was like I just want you to laugh again, so girls as crazy as it sounds find something to laugh about everyday. In fact as I think about my life right now its making me laugh at how really stupid it is..LOLOLOL....Laughter is medicine for the heart and here's your 2nd goal find something to laugh about in the presence of your spouse. There is something so confident and attractive about a joyful person. Can you do it??

And post as much as possible and be transparent no one here cares if you goof up we just want to support each other okie dokie?

Ok so i told you H came by today out of no where, he wasn't supposed to come until tomorrow. I guess he was working about 20 minutes away and he and 2 free hours so he popped over.

He spent at least 45 with me just talking on the bed. He did reach and grab my rear and did hint that he wanted to get some "afternoon delight" LOL but unfortunately I can't-monthly feminine down time-darn!!! But when he did try to grab my rear, I say Oh so ya miss me don't ya and I smile and he says nope I'm just being a guy and doing what guys do. I laugh out loud and I say nope you miss me!

But we layed on my bed and talked and enjoy each others company, hugged, and part of the time I sat on his chest. That's the update for today. He'll be back tomorrow.....