the mlc files--I want to believe

[DanceQueen]

Hoosier...I just wanted to chime in.

I know you won't believe this right now, but someday, maybe far off in the future...but it will happen....

Someday your H will reap the consequences SO HARD that you will actually feel sorry for him. I know, I know, you can't even imagine that...but seriously....it will happen.

I had a BIL who left his wife of 15 years for the wife of his close friend. ILYBNILWY, don't think I ever loved you, married too young, blah blah, same-ol' same-ol'. He left his kids out in the cold, yet didn't understand that they would be harmed by this in the least. "The kids will be just fine".

The OW was/is an alcholic.

His wife was devastated as all LBS's are...but after about 6 or 7 (long messy divorce) years she put it all behind her and moved on. She remarried a few years ago and is happy again now.

The kids were not fine. They are still not fine. They are all adults now and are all in counseling trying to understand and deal.

After over 10 years of my BIL insisting that OW was his soul mate, that he'd never loved my SIL, that his kids would be fine...he finally had to throw in the towel and admit that OW was nothing more than a drunken skank.

He had to look in the mirror and realize:

He had thrown away a wonderful wife who loved him way beyond any reasonable amount he should have been given love.

He ruined his children's lives, and their own future lives and relationships.

He had lost everything to the drunk OW...the final straw was her pulling up to his house with 8 cops behind her because she refused to be pulled over (because it would mean a DUI) and she tried to dash into the house before the cops could get out of their cars. A big scene, news crews, etc. got called in. His face was on the news.

Yeah. Soul mate.

He finally had to admit and understand that all that happened was a skank seduced a married man, and that married man was foolish enough to confuse this with love.

Anyway...he did finally realize what he had done, who he had hurt, and what he had lost....

And the pain of having to face this reality nearly sent him into a suicidal state.

His LBW had moved on for so long at that point, that she truly had no more hate in her for him and she felt just pity and sadness that he had brought all these consequences upon himself.

10 YEARS hoosier....wait 10 years. You will see.

Not that it will make you feel any better....but you will see, he will face the consequences.

DQ

[hoosiermama]

I worry about D12--this is the worst time for her to be exposed to this nonsense. I do fear that it will damage her future and her relationships. And it makes his denial all that much more maddening.

He's good at deluding himself--always has been. Yes, I think he will regret this someday; I don't know if he'll experience the same kind of loss that we are experiencing. I really am just trying to get thru it and get on with my life, but every now and then something pops up and gets in my way.

[ANewMe]

Hoosier,

It will change. H has seemed as if everything has gone his way throughout the 3+ years we have been apart but I truly believe he is feeling it now. He sends me email at least once a month lashing out at me. I have heard through the grapevine that his job is in jeopardy. H measured most of this worth by this job.

You may not know it for sure but he will get "his."

[BeingMe]

That's the sad part. Most of these MLCers get what's coming to them, and more. At least, you only have to put up with this nonsense until the D is finalized, and things are settled. He has to live with his stupid choice for the rest of his life. He did this, not you. He has shown his character to be week, not you. His family seem to have the same character too.

BTW, when I say 'turn the other cheek', I in no way mean you should go out of your way to place it in front of him to slap. No, you have to be tough and kind at the same time. You are fighting not only for yourself, but for your D12 too.

Really very sad, but you can move on and find happiness for yourself.

[hoosiermama]

Right now, H blames me for everything bad in his life. I think he will continue to do so unless he does work and comes through the tunnel a grown-up. It's so much easier to do that than to look inside and see what might need attention. He's always looked outside himself for happiness--and for blame.

And BeingMe, I wish that were the case, but I'm afraid I'll have to deal with him until D is grown. And his family--figuring out how to deal with them without dealing with them!!

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Hoozh,

I think you handled that confrontation convo with your husband VERY well, and under difficult circumstances. I continue to admire your honesty and character in the face of these storms.

Pray for wisdom in this specific (wake/funeral) decision. I believe God will give you the answer.

Puppy

[hoosiermama]

Thanks, Puppy. I'm not sure exactly why this bothers me so much--I guess it's the hypocrisy of it, the lie being perpetrated and the widespread acceptance of it, and the disregard for the victims of the situation--and the further victimization resulting. That whole "emperor's new clothes" aspect of this.

I've pretty much decided to send flowers and let it go at that. H told me I should go to the wake/funeral, that that will probably heal the whole situation with them, that it's mostly my imagination.

Bull. This is the brother who was initially very supportive of me, who I sent the copy of the emails between H and OW. After H talked with him and his wife, they shut me out completely. Don't contact us at home because our kids might pick up on this, and the couple of times I emailed him at work he didn't reply. Not really surprising. But not really fair.

[BeingMe]

I think he will continue to do so unless he does work and comes through the tunnel a grown-up.

That would be nice, especially for your D12.

I'm afraid I'll have to deal with him until D is grown.

Yes, you will have to deal with him/them in one sense, but it will (I hope) mostly be on your terms. At the moment, you are almost hostage to his whims and everything is new. There are so many firsts involved here --- first family Thanksgiving (or any holiday), first family funeral, and so forth. I think once you've been through the first year, and most things have been sorted out, logistically, emotionally, legally, financially, then things will settle, and you'll be able to deal with all of this less emotionally. It is, of course, sad that you appear to have lost not only your H, but your family. Time will tell if the family part can be resurrected. I sure do hope so!

I agree with sending flowers and a card --- perhaps put D12's name first?

[hoosiermama]

BeingMe--thank you. You're always so comforting. Yes, that's exactly how it feels--I'm a hostage to his whims. Emotionally, financially, legally, parentally. And I have been for 5 1/2 months. And it's getting really old. It's hard to believe (altho I know it's true) that this will settle into a routine.

I really doubt that the family situation will get much better. I expected this from his parents, but I sure didn't expect it from his brothers and their families. I mean, they know him, they know me, they know what we've been through. And it's been so painful being rejected by them, I don't know what will make it all right again. I guess I might as well go through this particular grief right now and get it out of the way before the holidays. It's certainly hit me harder than I would have anticipated.

[brandnewday]

Righteous indignation.....

Except it falls upon deaf ears.

Honey, I can't begin to imagine how hard this situation is, and there are no pat answers to make it all better.

Just keep pressing forward, and doing the very best you can for you and your Daughter.

The inlaws should be ashamed of themselves, and one day they will be. My own inlaws were so supportive of my Husband during his MLC.

Now he is home again, things are very awkward.

((((hugs))))