I read about the Butterfly Effect, and that gave me encouragement for a moment. Then, I think, there must be something other than Going Dark.
I realize that change isn't going to happen overnight, and 'A' is a turtle when moving toward emotional ties. However, there must be something else? 'Three weeks...three weeks...three weeks', my life isn't that great that the heartache stops.
I manage to be happy at work because it is work. Work is work, unemotional. I focus on my job and doing it well. After work, I do what I have to do. Then, there is time to stop and rest. Another day my cellphone is silent. Another day there isn't any pursuing from him. Another day, I hope that given time, 'A' will come forward and pursue me.
So, what now?
I always felt that he responds to my voice when I am deliberate and strong. It is now November, I feel confident for a moment, but I was hoping for a good Christmas this year. I thought there would be a change in events that would get us closer.
'M' seemed to have gotten everything that she wanted. It is almost 9 weeks doing this 'going dark' program, and I don't see much change to continue with this route. There doesn't seem to be enough promise for me. I don't understand this. I feel like a pullme-pullyou animal.
All that I know is that I don't want to give up. I feel very desperate, and I desperately want things to change for the better...for once.
