the mlc files--I want to believe

[AmyC]

When do you begin to feel like you're living again and not just surviving? I'm so tired of just feeling like I'm putting one foot in front of the other and dragging myself through life.

You answered your own question, hoosier.

When you get tired enough of feeling the way you've been feeling, things begin to change for you from within. I bet if you think about it, you can probably see that that has already started to occur.

That's how the triumph of the human spirit begins.

Hang in there and you'll see.

I'd send flowers to express my condolences on the loss of the family member.
Sign from you and your daughter.



Have a good day ~

AmyC

[hoosiermama]

Thanks, Amy. I might be at that point....

And the flowers were exactly what I was thinking of.

[hoosiermama]

Okay, now he wants D12 to go with him to the service. So she can sit there and see that her mother's not able to attend, and her adulterous father is standing up preaching like some kind of holy person.

This is just the ultimate in frustration. No, it's not about me. But it does sort of crystallize the issues and how they're going to shake down. I've lost my whole family, and I did nothing wrong. H leaves us for an old girlfriend, and he's held in such high regard that he's burying relatives. This just makes no sense at all.

[AmyC]

I'm sorry, hoosier.

But you know, I really wouldn't want to stand in your H's shoes on Judgement Day. He is going to be held to a standard even higher than we are - are if we flounder as we do - how much more short of the mark do you think your husband is gonna fall?

Let him have his "glory" down here.

He ain't takin it with him, girl.

[hoosiermama]

It's just that--there's so much glory for him!! He's had no repercussions at all! His standard of living is higher, he still has a wonderful reputation, he gets a lot of sympathy for the "pain" he's going through, he still has his family and friends, he sees D12 just about whenever he can manage to fit her into his new life. I'm scraping by, trying to fight the good fight, and everything is a struggle. How long can this go on?

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I'm sorry, hoosier.

But you know, I really wouldn't want to stand in your H's shoes on Judgement Day. He is going to be held to a standard even higher than we are - are if we flounder as we do - how much more short of the mark do you think your husband is gonna fall?

Let him have his "glory" down here.

He ain't takin it with him, girl.

Yep. "To him that is given, much will be expected."

He WILL be held to the higher standard, Hoozh. And he is currently falling far, FAR short.

Time to dig out those imprecatory Psalms, dear. Spite 'em and brimstone and all that!

Puppy

[hoosiermama]

I'm sorry, hoosier.

But you know, I really wouldn't want to stand in your H's shoes on Judgement Day. He is going to be held to a standard even higher than we are - are if we flounder as we do - how much more short of the mark do you think your husband is gonna fall?

Let him have his "glory" down here.

He ain't takin it with him, girl.

Yep. "To him that is given, much will be expected."

He WILL be held to the higher standard, Hoozh. And he is currently falling far, FAR short.

Time to dig out those imprecatory Psalms, dear. Spite 'em and brimstone and all that!

Puppy

Oh, yeah. They are upon me like a pack of dogs, and my enemies grow fat with good things. What's up with that?!

[BeingMe]

there's so much glory for him!! He's had no repercussions at all!

Except he is living an outright lie! Eventually, that kind of life catches up with you. My advice, FWIW, is to not focus on your H and how much he is gaining or not, or how he is not getting any repercussions for what he's done --- in that lies a kind of insanity, frustration and you start to get resentful --- not only of him, but everything in your life, including the spiritual side.

I am not a very religious person, in general, but I do know a little of the bible and Jesus' life and what he preached. I remember something about the other cheek, etc. I looked it up and it's awesome what He says --- Matthew 5:39-41, 44. You probably know these verses well already. So, pray for your H, that he will be healed in whatever manner it pleases God, that somehow you and he might find a way to work together for the best for your D. Pray even for his family, especially in this sad time. Then, live your life --- focus on what is needful in your life, such as money, roof over your heads, better job perhaps, D's schooling, and so forth.

You are probably doing all this already, if I read your character correctly, but there are times when we all wish that the person hurting us and our children would get a little justice. I know exactly how that feels, but I also know that eventually, the best thing is to let it go. Still too early for you perhaps?

I am going through a time now (healthwise) that has put so many things into perspective for me, although I still sometimes cry and wish it wasn't happening to me, but I also know that I have so much for which to be grateful (thank goodness I can come to this site and dump all the negativity). Please try and not waste too much time on your H and his family and his/their foolishness and unkindness --- life is just too short.

Likely, you know all this intellectually, but the emotions haven't quite caught up yet?

In my Liberal Studies class we read all kinds of things --- one interesting text we are studying now is The Cloud of Unknowing (perhaps you are familiar with it, since it is from the Catholic middle ages world). Anyway, one part deals with pride and how it can make reason evil, when pride of worldly attainments (particularly in scholarly works within the faith) becomes more important then the search for the spiritual. Anyway, reading this made me think of your H, especially since this work was written specifically for a novice contemplating the life of a monk.

Take care.

[hoosiermama]

Thanks. Yes, I think I'm doing the mental work, but just when I least expect it something will hit me emotionally as this did. I've just lost so much, and I have so much grief--and every now and then there's a fresh wound. I do think I have let go of H emotionally, but letting go of his family, my nieces and nephews--when I've known most of them their whole lives--this is a very hard thing. And it's not my decision to do so, but their parents'.

With H, I did turn the other cheek over and over, and he kept smacking whatever he could. Eventually you just curl up and try not to get hurt any more.

H just phoned about picking up D tonite, an hour and a half later than he agreed. He's in la-la land, thinks I'm being ridiculous about not going to the wake and wants to bring D to the funeral so she "can be there for her cousins" since she doesn't see them enough as it is. Well, they've made it very clear that they're not only uncomfortable with me--not with the situation--but they'd prefer not to be in contact with me. And I told him I was going to have to think about D going with him. He asked why it was such a big deal. And I told him that after all we'd been through, it doesn't seem consistent for me to be supportive of D watching him lead prayer, that it doesn't seem consistent for someone having an affair to be in this position. And that it's one thing for SIL to be comfortable with him there, but another for D to see her in that position and be okay with it. I was pretty matter-of-fact, and those are facts. Of course, he blew up, said we'd handle it in mediation (before the weekend?!) and wasn't going to go there with me. I think it's just so stupid. We both know what's going on, he knows that I know--so why keep denying it? These are choices he made, why not be man enough to own them--and the consequences? He can live a lie with his colleagues and his family, but I'm not subjecting D to the lie. She already knows about OW and is trying to make it work in her head--I think having H up on a pedestal in spite of all that, and leading prayer no less, is asking too much of her in terms of working it all out for herself.

[hoosiermama]

oh, yes--ps. The pride of worldly attainments and scholarly wisdom in the absence of spiritual wholeness--that's H to a tee. Always has been. It's always been about him being in front of people, not about prayer and service.