New Me - Will WAW ever notice?

[Kakatal]

K,
You are doing very well. Keep your expectations low because these times of peace are great but its still just the beginning of a very long journey. You are handling things well and doing what is best for you and the kids.

As always, thanks for the support. Glad to know others see the improvements so I know I am not deluding myself.

One suggestion is when you are getting frustrated with the kids or your W the best thing to do is not get drawn into any R talk or what you are or are not doing for her. Neither of you are in the right frame of mind to get into those discussions it just turns into more of a blame game than anything. You may mean one thing but your W will always take it the wrong way.

Wholeheartedly agree.

When you were telling her all the things your are allowing her to do she is not taking it they way you mean it. You are saying I like what you are doing for the kids and me and that I like you being around. She is hearing you being condescending to her. Basically she sees it as you giving her the privilege to have a key to the house, do the laundry and wash the floor and she should be grateful that you allow her to do it. See what I am saying here.

I understand what you are getting at here. Sometimes whey I post here I feel I need to abbreviate things so I don't bore myself or anyone else with the gory details.

When my w called back I was calming down. I let her vent on me - she was really animated in her words toward me. I calmly told her that I was not hearing her offer of help in a positive manner. She then started to calm down after that as well.

I was trying to make a point that I was ok with her at the house. Trying to take back some boundaries I set up that I now see as barriers. Just choosing to accept things has helped get rid of the hurt I felt every time she walked away. Just didn't know how to explain that to her so I phrased it in question format. I do see you points on how my approach would be perceived as being condescending - thanks!

Tonight when she brings up what happened with the kids and your growing impatience you need to explain that what you said was not what you meant. You were having a hard time with the kids, you were losing your patience and said stuff in the heat of the moment. It was wrong of me to unload like that on you and will work on that in the future. It had nothing to do with you and I had no right to act that way towards you.

I guess I gave the impression I yelled - I didn't. I just felt that I was bitching & complaining to the WRONG person. I want her to think all is well at home, that I am handling things just fine without her. Acting as if things will move on at home without her being there. Felt I got carried away with where the discussion had gone & needed to end it.

If/when I do fall into my old habits of anger I will come back to reference what you wrote above - very good advice on how to handle an apology.

Tread lightly tonight during your conversation with your W. It will more than likely not start out too well so stay focused and calm. If you do this it will turn around and it will end well. Just be prepared.

Just trying to stay relaxed - been on my mind too much today. For all I know she could not even bring it up tonight so I am not doing any good thinking about a conversation that may or may not take place. But if it does, my focus is on her. Answer her questions, ask probing ones & follow ups to get her to open up.

Thanks again!