You are doing very well. Keep your expectations low because these times of peace are great but its still just the beginning of a very long journey. You are handling things well and doing what is best for you and the kids.
One suggestion is when you are getting frustrated with the kids or your W the best thing to do is not get drawn into any R talk or what you are or are not doing for her. Neither of you are in the right frame of mind to get into those discussions it just turns into more of a blame game than anything. You may mean one thing but your W will always take it the wrong way.
When you were telling her all the things your are allowing her to do she is not taking it they way you mean it. You are saying I like what you are doing for the kids and me and that I like you being around. She is hearing you being condescending to her. Basically she sees it as you giving her the privilege to have a key to the house, do the laundry and wash the floor and she should be grateful that you allow her to do it. See what I am saying here.
Tonight when she brings up what happened with the kids and your growing impatience you need to explain that what you said was not what you meant. You were having a hard time with the kids, you were losing your patience and said stuff in the heat of the moment. It was wrong of me to unload like that on you and will work on that in the future. It had nothing to do with you and I had no right to act that way towards you.
Tread lightly tonight during your conversation with your W. It will more than likely not start out too well so stay focused and calm. If you do this it will turn around and it will end well. Just be prepared.
