With the hope that it might help someone, here's my 180 "last" letter. (180 means doing the opposite of what's expected. I was expected to fight for assets and money. I didn't. "last" letter is basically acknowledging that she has to make the next move. I can only wait.
I understand that criticism of this letter will help others, so please have at it. -------------------------- <*my lawyer*>, Please forward to <*W’s lawyer*> to forward to <*wife’s name*>. This forwarding business will most likely end with this email. I also believe that I’ve resolved any contention with the division of assets or obligations. Thanks, <*my name*>
<*elder son, hero*>, Please forward as you see fit. Also, review, as you have veto power on one decision. Love, Dad
<*wife’s name*>,
Before getting to business, let me thank you for this weekend. You shared with <*elder son, hero*> some thoughts that made my life easier, and I’m grateful. Please let <*elder son, hero*> know or have <*W’s lawyer*> let <*my lawyer*> know about any difficulties or concerns that I might address to ease your burdens. I thank you for the winter attire. It was thoughtful and caring. I relished playing with Heidi for a few moments when she followed <*elder son, hero*> to the street and we had to get her to the devil strip <*local vernacular for the front part of your lawn that the county feels free to use for the public good*> for safety. She seems fine and I thank you for caring for her so well.
Now to business, the meeting went well. I believe that we have a solution. First <*my company*> should throw enough losses onto our taxes to cover some IRA/401(K) withdrawals and reduce your income. The tax benefits should be around $30,000. I do have a lot of work to do in QuickBooks. I remind you of our reasonable request for the <*our last name, for now at least*> Quicken file. Without it, you’ll force me into a great deal of needless work. I hope, as we share the goal of ensuring your financial peace of mind, that you help to speed the process.
The specialists I met with urge you not to demand $98,000 in cash, but rather $300,000 in an IRA transfer. The Court can order the transfer, but I can’t even give you the money without tax consequences. Even if you later decide to take the $300,000 out, you’ll still clear $150,000 (vice $98,000) after taxes and penalty. So it would seem to make sense.
Now I believe that you’ll agree that we may still need some cash in the short term to satisfy your needs. To that end and at your election, I would file for a SEPP, taking about $18,000 out now and another $18,000 January 1, 2009 (and every three years thereafter, except for a tax loophole that we’ll take advantage of). I also have $10,000 from <*my company*>’s profits. I should be able to get close to $50,000 to pay off some of the consumer debt. You then take the IRA in the Separation Agreement and my SEPP then terminates (rather than in five years). I’ll keep moving my income and <*my company*>’s profits over to the CMA along with these funds as they come in for your use.
I, however, recommend not doing the SEPP due to its tax consequences. I will assume that you agree. I understand your needs are definite and paramount, so I will abide by your wishes. Feel free to have <*W’s lawyer*> send a note in your stead if you still desire the SEPP. (Of course, you could actually write something to me.)
Now this plan is a blow to <*elder son, hero*> as he’s the beneficiary of the IRA. <*elder son, hero*>, here’s your veto power. You may at any time before the Agreement is signed email me the words “No IRA move in Agreement” and I won’t let it happen. I’m sure every judge in the land will respect your decision.
If you’d like to contact an expert, you might want to use the one I’ve already paid for. He’ll take your call. I asked him to be particularly available Wednesday afternoon. Perhaps <*W’s lawyer*> and you might have a joint call with him: <*financial planner*>, MBA, MSFS, ChFC, AEP <* financial company*> Senior Financial Planner Financial Services Executive Office: XXX-XXX-XXXX Cell: XXX-XXX-XXXX
I believe that I should review a point or two. Every possession titled or deeded in my name needs to have the quit claim processed. I don’t recommend or require that you remove my name from any obligation. I’ll keep paying for whatever my name is on for as long as you like. Please give anything of mine in the way to <*elder son, hero*>. I do hope that you’ll respect my wishes and give my family’s heirlooms (wall clock, shaving mirror, and sleigh back chair) to our sons.
<*family friend*> holds durable power of attorney for me and the supervision of my living will. LegalZoom has copies of these and my most recent will. <*elder son, hero*>, assuming he takes my files with the down-sized <*my company*>, will have the originals.
Now I believe that I’ve done everything promised in the Reconciliation Agreement and more than you demanded in the Separation Agreement. There is really nothing that I possess that won’t go to you (or, in the case of <*my company*> and death benefits, to <*elder son, hero*>) here in the next few months. That said: I will remain positively and completely open to the Reconciliation Agreement, however you might modify it, until and if I re-marry. While I had certain needs, such as seeing the Heidi and Max from time to time, your needs for protection clearly come first. While I do fear that you’ve received bad advice about no contact with me, your absolute silence prompts me to conclude that you don’t wish to have anything to do with me. Since <*W’s lawyer*> and <*my lawyer*> should be able to provide all the paperwork, I will now do my best to never contact you again. As you currently have a Court order barring me from <*elder son, hero*>’s graduation and as you demand in the Separation Agreement, I’ll respect your need for protection and yield to you the honor of attending the split-family functions involving our sons, such as weddings, births, adoptions, graduations, and so on forever. You’re always welcome to contact me anytime for any reason you choose, about any topic you choose, with any restrictions you choose, moderated by anyone you choose, anywhere you choose, by whatever means you choose—and without further consequence.
You need only indicate that there is the slimmest of hope for reconciliation and I’ll wait for as long as you like. How about this as our version of a yellow ribbon? At Saturday noon, if Position of Door-->Status of Reconciliation The garage door is closed-->The issue is closed. You will never reconcile. The garage door is half open-->There is the slightest chance that you’ll someday consider talking about reconciling. The garage door is open-->One last time, you’re telling me that I not even worth answering.
Surely whoever is telling you not to contact me, won’t complain about this. If they do, of course, just leave the garage door up. Unless the door is half open, I will go get a life, concluding that my life and happiness with you is over, and begin my search for a different happiness. But do remember the Reconciliation Agreement has no expiration date should you ever change your mind.
Let me say though: You are and always were the best friend, the best spouse, the best person, the best doctor, the best mother to our children (and too often I fear to me), and the best lover that I ever could have hoped for. I regret every criticism, every heated word, and so many other mistakes. I am sorry for every hurt, every pain, every difficulty I caused you. I applaud your accomplishments and am absolutely convinced that you’ll further your already-accomplished career with distinction. I hope for your every happiness and, if and when you so wish, that another love for another 30 years might fill your heart. I’m sure that many a grandchild of ours will gush with joy at the mere mention of visiting Grandma’s House. Do tell them about the gushy ice cream. <* inside joke. On our first date, W had the line in her sorority skit, ”Gushy, Gushy Good Ice Cream”. Until the big S, after a great time together, I repeated the line *>
For maybe the last time, I say in writing what I’d like to say in person, I love you.
