It's been a strange day since this morning...and not talking with my W about the elections today at all...it's just the kind of thing I always talked about with her in detail...makes me miss that today...
I had an interesting meeting with a TV exec today - asked her for advice on my career - and she seemed to read my like an open book - and she seemed to notice right away that I had been holding back on my career over the years and was very adamant about telling me to take a chance and commit 100% to a choice about what I want to do with my writing...something I hadn't done/haven't done for the last ten years....I've just worked as a writer - simple as that - doing whatever kind of writing happened to find me - and not really going out and charging at life with the energy I used to have when I was still on the academic path...The conversation confirmed a lot of what I had been thinking...and left me feeling like I have a ton of work to do....and a lot less time to waste...which is all good - though it did kind of feel overwhelming along with all the other changes I'm going through in my life.
At least I have my baby boy here with me now. I feel for you, NW - not seeing you boy must be so hard...my older son lives 1hr away - and I don't see him as often as I like.
Hang in there, my friend. Be strong. Be kind to yourself. -Carlos.
Hi Carlos Your Chinese is real good. I actually speak Cantonese but I can understand most of the Mandarin. I am so glad you asked for her advice. Like they say, grab life by the horn. Give it 100% on your personal goals, you will be surprise where it will take you.
Keep up your awesome PMA, it is spreading to others folks from this board like a wildfire.
NW626
Me:33 STBXW:38 S:3 It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you fight the fight....!!
Hi NW - That's right, you had mentioned that you were from Hong Kong...I studied Mandarin in college - though I think I've forgotten far too much of it over the years...
Getting to a PMA was not easy or swift for me...a lot of it came from reading other posts here - and looking deeper into myself than I ever have before. I certainly made a lot of mistakes over the last few months - since the bomb dropped - and I know that I'm not completely where I want to be - but I have to get there - and I will work hard - harder than ever - to get there.
Even though my W has moved out - I don't know if it's completely over between us. The night before she moved out, while having a brief conversation she said, "I don't know what will happen next." And neither do I. I do know that I can't continue to be married to the person she had become - nor could she continue to be with the man I had settled into offering her. We will both change over the months ahead - we will both have a kind of painful independence for a while that will eventually give way to more calm...and hopefully in that calm will come more clarity.
I'm going to continue to go to my T - and talk through my pain, and my issues. In my last session he talked with me about how much I had given in to my W's definitions of me - and we recalled how I had initially started seeing him in order to talk about being a verbally abusive husband - and to learn to manage anger...I understand more about why I lost it with my wife when and how I did...and I never want to be in that position again - never let myself get that desperate or frightened again - where I'm in a situation in which I have to take someone down in order to protect myself from being abandoned...
What's strange to me - and this is something that my W doesn't seem to see - is that she is defining me according to how I fell apart after the told me she wanted to leave me. Before that I wasn't overtly anger - rather I had withdrawn from her and just didn't expect very much from her - and so I offered her very little of myself.
Before the bomb, I had pulled away from my W and didn't offer her the man she loved anymore...After the bomb, I regretted my withdrawal and wanted to rescue our marriage. Now, as we're apart - I can see that I didn't just withdraw from her for no reason - we had stopped supporting one another - we had stopped sharing - and I truly felt used and taken for granted by her - and was just exhausted by my work and my life. And I expected her to step up and save me - help me in ways that she could no - no one could - because now, as I look at myself in this new situation, I can see how much of that frustration came from me - not from her - and I can see how much more I can do to make my life fulfilling. Granted she could still have been more supportive - but deep down, my issues had a lot to do with me...
Do I want to forgive her abusive side? Or how she treats my S11 when he's not doing what she think he should be doing? How do you forgive someone that treats your child poorly? Or goes back and forth from treating him wonderfully and treating him terribly? The amount of calm my S11 has when he's home with me now is just amazing. His mom told me last night that he used to be sad when he would come over to my house because he would end up spending so much time alone....and that was largely because whenever her was here my W would insist on asking me to talk with her in the bedroom...
Okay...time to get going...time to sit zazen... -c.
here's a question I just keep wondering about...should I send my W an email and just let her know that if she ever wants to work on our marriage - if, after we're separated for a while, she wants to try, that I am open to it? Or does that kind of thing just backfire? I said it to her the night before she moved out - and I know she heard the words - though they might not have meant anything to her....I should be emphasize that I am still open - only because it's a possibility that is there - it is not something I am pursuing or want to convince her to do...I just wonder if it's important that she know I am open to it - or if it's best just to leave things as they are - allowing her to initiate communication - unless it's something that has to do with money matters or our baby. Any thoughts? Coach - how did you handle it?
here's a question I just keep wondering about...should I send my W an email and just let her know that if she ever wants to work on our marriage - if, after we're separated for a while, she wants to try, that I am open to it?
my vote is no and here's why.
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I said it to her the night before she moved out - and I know she heard the words
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though they might not have meant anything to her....I should be emphasize that I am still open - only because it's a possibility that is there
just because she's in a fog does not mean she is deaf. beleive me, she has heard every word you've said since the bomb was dropped, she has watched your every action and inaction. These things play through her mind daily...probably more than they play through yours. because women are wired that way.
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allowing her to initiate communication - unless it's something that has to do with money matters or our baby.
what is wrong with a little time and space?? I mean that is what she wanted right?? Why not listen Carlos..Can you hear her??
Shifu Strangely, I had the same though last night, but I came to the same conclusion as (M from Tenn). Our WAS know we want to work things out, but I firmly believe no R talk unless they brought it up first. In my case, it lowered my W defense and she actually became friendlier. If you start the R talk, it will just add stress to her.
NW626.
Me:33 STBXW:38 S:3 It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you fight the fight....!!
Mike and NW - ...that's been my mindset too -- and I've been trying to stick to it - I started thinking about it again mostly because I had to send her an email about our baby this morning - and as I typed I wanted to say something kind - and let her know that I am here if she needs me...but you're both right, she knows that - and what she needs is the space to know what else she needs - from herself and for herself.
From now on I will let her bring up any and all talk of R...and just let things continue to settle...it was a moment of weakness on my part - i know that - like my brain/heart conspiring to remind me of some happy memories...but that's why I put it out there here first...so I could get that reality check - thanks MfT and NW - and continue on course.
Feeling better now... xie xie, nw..I am far from shifu...nide peng you, though, I'm there!
An email with anything other than facts, organising things for S would be pursuing. Let some space just 'sit' between you otherwise she will keep blaming you for all her problems (hell, she'll do that for a while whether you hassle her or not) instead of looking inside herself.
Just treat her in emails and phone conversations like you would treat an aquaintance that you haven't seen in a while but are not sure if you still get along. Be light, but cautious with what you say.
** Purple
As soon as you trust yourself you will know how to live. Goethe
because women are wired that way. 