Getting my house in order

[theoden]

What will I win?

Frank,

You will:

1. Win yourself. Rediscover your best self, find some new things about yourself.

2. Win your dignity and self-respect back. You have already come a long way here. We all see that.

3. Win in the power-play game of her pulling away when you are down, and then falling apart as you try to lure her back. That game is over.

4. I said nothing about winning her back. The way she is now, you don't need her "energy" in your life, as her friends would say.

--Theoden

[theoden]

Amy,

there just ain't no winners in a MLC/WAW inspired separation/divorce.

No winners at all.

What are you trying to tell Frank? He knows about the pain, the loss, the break-up of his family. That's the carnage of MLC/WAS/Affairs.

How he re-acts will determine if he wins the most crucial battle: the test of his character.

[craig54]

I agree with Amy, finding yourself is a seperate issue. But there are no winners in this, I know my kids are not going to be winners, and certainly not my wife, and I certainly don't count myself as a winner in this. My soul and spirit have been revived by Gods grace.

[missmyfriend]

The best anyone can do in a situation like this is to mitigate damage and to provide your children with the best possible "feeling" of safety and love that they could receive from the parent(s). But, the damage is there nonetheless, no matter how accepting the children will appear. Kids typically love their parents to the point of holding in what they are really feeling, which is confusion, loss and fear.

In some cases, where serious abuse exists, this is an improved situation for the children when the children are taken out of the harmful situation.

[faithisbelieving]

I agree with craig. There are no winners in all this. The kids DO suffer the most. But...in support of frank....and thru my own sitch...I have learned that you can DB your A$$ off and most of these spouses are NOT COMING BACK. They are SO unhappy that even TRYING to keep them there causes even MORE upheaval. Holding onto the tow line if the boat is sinking is only going to drag you under.

I think we've all seen that there is a minority of WAS here that can make the trip back...and even PIECING is very hard work. I don't think frank's W is anywhere near close to being considered salveable. Even in the strongest of hands/hearts, the 'learning curve' for overcoming multiple indiscretions is steep at best.

I certainly don't count myself as a winner in this. My soul and spirit have been revived by Gods grace.

..and that is still the key, IMO, of any hope for ANYONE here: just to let go and 'revive' yourself.

Frank...as you once said to me. I think you are doing OK.

FIB

[missmyfriend]

My kids and I rented out Evan Almighty last night(we had already seen it before) and there was a great conversation between God (playing as a restaurant worker with the name tag of "Al Mighty") speaking to Evan's W.

Evan's W, who has taken the kids and left because Evan appears nuts, building an ark and dressing like Noah with a full beard, is listening to God (Al Mighty) as He says, "When people pray for patience, does God give them patience or for the opportunity to be in a situation to learn patience. When people pray for courage...etc?"

The movies point was excellent and very biblical in how when we pray for something, God doesn't simply answer our prayer as we want it but as what we need. He does want us to be happy but the point is that we cannot be happy in a self serving attitude.

And the thing we are praying for such as please restore my marriage, help my spouse become caring and for me to stop being whatever negative trait I have or any other type of prayer may be in the process of being answered by Him but we are focusing on exactly what we asked for to be fulfilled instead of being open for us to learn something and actually have a better outcome.

Are we really listening to what we are supposed to be learning? Prayer is dynamic, in most cases, not passive. I am not saying that we should arbitrarily do something to try to manipulate the situation. Far from it. But what we (I) should be doing is reviewing what is happening, pray on it, listen for answers or directions, then pray on it again for clarification before we do something that could be our own self serving interests.

While I was writing this, I thought that someone in this thread would think I am applying this to one person or another but that isn't the case. I write what I have been personally challenged to address in my own self.

And so I share it here.

My recommendation for anyone remotely spiritual, pray for direction, when you feel convicted to do something, pray on it again, and if the answer still comes back that it is the right thing, then there is little reason not to do it.

Love your spouse as God loves us. He sacrificed what was dear to Him for us, even those who would still deny Him. We are called to do the same thing with our spouse. He can't force us to come to Him like we can't force our spouse to come to us but that shouldn't stop us from showing love.

[craig54]

Miss, well said.I too struggle with seperating what I want and what the Lord wants for me, he knows what is best, of that I am sure.It is too easy to rely on our fleshly nature that rely on the Lords leading. A lesson for all of us.

[frank_D]

Thought I'd catch up on current events.

I didn't clean the house like I wanted to on Sunday but I did tidy up the kitchen. On Monday W called me on my cell in the morning after taking D13 to school and offered to clean the house. I told her I had planned to do it this morning and she said she had 4 hours free before she had to work and 'it really needs it'. She also said that my time is better spent doing my work than cleaning the house.

I made some grumbling about her judging my housekeeping abilities and she said "Let's not debate this, you could use my help and I don't want to argue about it any more". It was half joking, so I said "Sure, that would actually be great come on by".

So she did and stayed about 4 hours doing a pretty thorough job on things. We interacted a few times, and I've been very pleasant, even joking sometimes. Here's bits and pieces:

Me: I need to get one of those housecleaners that wears the french maid outfit.

W: I don't think they would do a lot of cleaning

Me: YOU don't know, maybe they DO.

W: Well I'M not going to pay for that.

--

Me: I liked that link to the video you sent me. It was pretty funny.

W: Yeah, during our party (friends D17) showed it to me because one of her friends E-Mailed it to her and I thought you like it so I sent it to you.

--

During the morning I closed some VERY big contracts that will pay me within the next week. I was pretty hyped and she was still at the house so I told her about them. I mean these are 'catch up on the mortgage' amounts of money.

In a very quiet voice she said "I'm so glad that all your hard work is finally paying off. You deserve that." ????

I told her that I would pay off one of the small loans she took out so we could get D17 an Oboe. It's like $2500. She said I didn't have to do that and I said that I was going to anyway as I should have paid for it a year ago when we needed it.

Then she told me she wanted to take the girls to the dentist and she thought she had enough to pay for the trip. I said I can cover it now and she said 'no, I'll pay for it it's the least I can do'.

I didn't argue

---

In one conversation I told her that I feel uncomfortable when she has come to clean because I don't want anyone to think I'm a poor father or housekeeper.

She said "I don't think you're a poor father, you're a great father. If I didn't think so I wouldn't be living down the street"

I was thinking to myself "You're living down the street because I kicked you out for chasing OM"

Still, I'm trying to figure out what SHE meant by her statement. Weird

---
A little later...

W: Grandma P died last night, my dad just called me. (she had been in hospice for a year, had Alzheimers and was slowly fading away)

Me: She's better off, she was suffering a long time.

W: Yeah, I know. Oh, when my Dad called to tell me I was talking to Grandma M (her maternal grandmother, who loves me to death and has always told W that she'll never find anyone who loves her like I do) Grandma M told me to tell you to keep in touch with her, that you'll always be her grandson.

Me: (kinda quietly) Yeah, I will. I already miss seeing her (she lives a 3 hour drive away)

W: (Starts to cry) Just so you know, if she ever gets sick like Grandma P did I'm moving in with her to take care of her. She's not going into a nursing home!

What do I say? Nothing. What can I say.

A little while later she was doing the kitchen and I asked her how she was doing. She said "Oh really good. I'm losing some clients because of the economy but life's good"

A little while later she left.

[frank_D]

more....

This morning I was up when W showed up. All showered and dressed which is unusual for me.

W made coffee like she usually does, and when she was making some poached eggs for D13 she offered to make some for me. She joked with me a few times and was very pleasant.

It's almost like we're 'friends'.

My gut feeling is she's feeling guilty and these interactions make her feel better. I've just stopped being angry and even worrying about this any more.

[AmyC]

What's wrong with "friends"?

There has to be some sort of foundation if there is ever to be anything else, Frank.

And if there is never anything more well, you have a friend.

Many separated/divorced couples don't get that in one another.

This is restoration, Frank.

Not as you'd planned and hoped for but it is restoration nonetheless.

Allow your perceptions to be altered.

Sometimes we don't exactly comprehend just what we've been praying for so we fail to see the blessing when it comes.

God is a literal God.

We prayed for restoration.

I have it and you are beginning to see it.

It is a blessing.

One from which more might be propelled.

Or not.

But it is definitely the manifestation of your faith.

Do not overlook it because it isn't on the grand scale you'd dreamed it'd be.




Amy