I did write the "last" letter, explaining how I was going to go ahead with giving her everything. I believe there's nothing left to talk about until she wants to reconcile. No more assets or debts to divide. No more issues over the kids. No more contact. She got everything she wanted. I even gave up my dog. (She has a companion that my wife wouldn't let go of and I believe my dog would be happier with hers than alone with me.)
I'll be crying all night, but I figure I wanted the slimmest chance at her renewed love over silly possession and money.
Now I can only wait. I not good at waiting. I did structure things (not entirely by accident) to take until after the holidays.
With the hope that it might help someone, here's my 180 "last" letter. (180 means doing the opposite of what's expected. I was expected to fight for assets and money. I didn't. "last" letter is basically acknowledging that she has to make the next move. I can only wait.
I understand that criticism of this letter will help others, so please have at it. -------------------------- <*my lawyer*>, Please forward to <*W’s lawyer*> to forward to <*wife’s name*>. This forwarding business will most likely end with this email. I also believe that I’ve resolved any contention with the division of assets or obligations. Thanks, <*my name*>
<*elder son, hero*>, Please forward as you see fit. Also, review, as you have veto power on one decision. Love, Dad
<*wife’s name*>,
Before getting to business, let me thank you for this weekend. You shared with <*elder son, hero*> some thoughts that made my life easier, and I’m grateful. Please let <*elder son, hero*> know or have <*W’s lawyer*> let <*my lawyer*> know about any difficulties or concerns that I might address to ease your burdens. I thank you for the winter attire. It was thoughtful and caring. I relished playing with Heidi for a few moments when she followed <*elder son, hero*> to the street and we had to get her to the devil strip <*local vernacular for the front part of your lawn that the county feels free to use for the public good*> for safety. She seems fine and I thank you for caring for her so well.
Now to business, the meeting went well. I believe that we have a solution. First <*my company*> should throw enough losses onto our taxes to cover some IRA/401(K) withdrawals and reduce your income. The tax benefits should be around $30,000. I do have a lot of work to do in QuickBooks. I remind you of our reasonable request for the <*our last name, for now at least*> Quicken file. Without it, you’ll force me into a great deal of needless work. I hope, as we share the goal of ensuring your financial peace of mind, that you help to speed the process.
The specialists I met with urge you not to demand $98,000 in cash, but rather $300,000 in an IRA transfer. The Court can order the transfer, but I can’t even give you the money without tax consequences. Even if you later decide to take the $300,000 out, you’ll still clear $150,000 (vice $98,000) after taxes and penalty. So it would seem to make sense.
Now I believe that you’ll agree that we may still need some cash in the short term to satisfy your needs. To that end and at your election, I would file for a SEPP, taking about $18,000 out now and another $18,000 January 1, 2009 (and every three years thereafter, except for a tax loophole that we’ll take advantage of). I also have $10,000 from <*my company*>’s profits. I should be able to get close to $50,000 to pay off some of the consumer debt. You then take the IRA in the Separation Agreement and my SEPP then terminates (rather than in five years). I’ll keep moving my income and <*my company*>’s profits over to the CMA along with these funds as they come in for your use.
I, however, recommend not doing the SEPP due to its tax consequences. I will assume that you agree. I understand your needs are definite and paramount, so I will abide by your wishes. Feel free to have <*W’s lawyer*> send a note in your stead if you still desire the SEPP. (Of course, you could actually write something to me.)
Now this plan is a blow to <*elder son, hero*> as he’s the beneficiary of the IRA. <*elder son, hero*>, here’s your veto power. You may at any time before the Agreement is signed email me the words “No IRA move in Agreement” and I won’t let it happen. I’m sure every judge in the land will respect your decision.
If you’d like to contact an expert, you might want to use the one I’ve already paid for. He’ll take your call. I asked him to be particularly available Wednesday afternoon. Perhaps <*W’s lawyer*> and you might have a joint call with him: <*financial planner*>, MBA, MSFS, ChFC, AEP <* financial company*> Senior Financial Planner Financial Services Executive Office: XXX-XXX-XXXX Cell: XXX-XXX-XXXX
I believe that I should review a point or two. Every possession titled or deeded in my name needs to have the quit claim processed. I don’t recommend or require that you remove my name from any obligation. I’ll keep paying for whatever my name is on for as long as you like. Please give anything of mine in the way to <*elder son, hero*>. I do hope that you’ll respect my wishes and give my family’s heirlooms (wall clock, shaving mirror, and sleigh back chair) to our sons.
<*family friend*> holds durable power of attorney for me and the supervision of my living will. LegalZoom has copies of these and my most recent will. <*elder son, hero*>, assuming he takes my files with the down-sized <*my company*>, will have the originals.
Now I believe that I’ve done everything promised in the Reconciliation Agreement and more than you demanded in the Separation Agreement. There is really nothing that I possess that won’t go to you (or, in the case of <*my company*> and death benefits, to <*elder son, hero*>) here in the next few months. That said: I will remain positively and completely open to the Reconciliation Agreement, however you might modify it, until and if I re-marry. While I had certain needs, such as seeing the Heidi and Max from time to time, your needs for protection clearly come first. While I do fear that you’ve received bad advice about no contact with me, your absolute silence prompts me to conclude that you don’t wish to have anything to do with me. Since <*W’s lawyer*> and <*my lawyer*> should be able to provide all the paperwork, I will now do my best to never contact you again. As you currently have a Court order barring me from <*elder son, hero*>’s graduation and as you demand in the Separation Agreement, I’ll respect your need for protection and yield to you the honor of attending the split-family functions involving our sons, such as weddings, births, adoptions, graduations, and so on forever. You’re always welcome to contact me anytime for any reason you choose, about any topic you choose, with any restrictions you choose, moderated by anyone you choose, anywhere you choose, by whatever means you choose—and without further consequence.
You need only indicate that there is the slimmest of hope for reconciliation and I’ll wait for as long as you like. How about this as our version of a yellow ribbon? At Saturday noon, if Position of Door-->Status of Reconciliation The garage door is closed-->The issue is closed. You will never reconcile. The garage door is half open-->There is the slightest chance that you’ll someday consider talking about reconciling. The garage door is open-->One last time, you’re telling me that I not even worth answering.
Surely whoever is telling you not to contact me, won’t complain about this. If they do, of course, just leave the garage door up. Unless the door is half open, I will go get a life, concluding that my life and happiness with you is over, and begin my search for a different happiness. But do remember the Reconciliation Agreement has no expiration date should you ever change your mind.
Let me say though: You are and always were the best friend, the best spouse, the best person, the best doctor, the best mother to our children (and too often I fear to me), and the best lover that I ever could have hoped for. I regret every criticism, every heated word, and so many other mistakes. I am sorry for every hurt, every pain, every difficulty I caused you. I applaud your accomplishments and am absolutely convinced that you’ll further your already-accomplished career with distinction. I hope for your every happiness and, if and when you so wish, that another love for another 30 years might fill your heart. I’m sure that many a grandchild of ours will gush with joy at the mere mention of visiting Grandma’s House. Do tell them about the gushy ice cream. <* inside joke. On our first date, W had the line in her sorority skit, ”Gushy, Gushy Good Ice Cream”. Until the big S, after a great time together, I repeated the line *>
For maybe the last time, I say in writing what I’d like to say in person, I love you.
Doctor gave me the results today. As a whole she's out of her league and is willing to admit it. No way she says that I have something common and even really uncommon. Carcinoid looks unlikely. VIPoma is out. But she also doesn't think that I should be walking around. (I just "ran" a 20-minute 2 miles. (at 275# and 5'4" that's an ccomplishment.)
She calling in the top doctor for a referral. I think I'm headed to Iowa, a place I never thought of as a medical miracle mecca.
The good news is GAL works. I've lost 45lbs, 14% of body mass, since the W filed for D 38 days ago!
I'm frustrated that my wife and son "know" that it's illegal to contact me. (No, the Protection Order works only one way. I can't contact them.) I wish I could find out who is misleading them and stop it. I believe that even a few moments of conversation could start a real reconciliation. My lawyer says not to push for too much. I need to let the big D fall off the table and be forgotten before going after more. Time is my ally. The holidays approach. The effects of separation will mount. I must be patient. (I hate this nevertheless. I do have to remember. Small steps are a big deal!)
Oh dear, I'm starting to lose that lovin' feeling. Pam isn't as important as she used to be. I think the heart can't handle the constant cruelty. She won't speak with me and lies about the reason. She's told my sons that it's illegal for them to speak to me. I am so proud of my elder son telling the Judge to remove him from any complaint Pam files, as he has a great father. The phone company called me at 1AM this morning to tell me that my account had been compromised and that someone had released one of my expensive phones--the one that I gave the younger son. I fear that he'd been mugged, but the protection order forbids me from contacting him or my wife.
My attorney doesn't seem to care about this. He's off negotiating my W out of the D suit. (Doing a great job, just not the one I wish we could be doing right now.)
C., A really fun, bright, young, attractive, supportive lady asked me out Saturday night. I didn't realize that it was a date until too late. (She's nine years my junior, so I didn't dream that I could merit such a woman.) I think I said, "Yes." to a group outing and got a romantic date instead. She even sealed the deal with a kiss on the cheek, in public no less. (I officially declare her to be only the second person to do so romantically, so don't think too badly of me.) So now I'm buoyed by the hope that there is a romance-filled life after Pam.
I thought about asking Pam about her feelings, but it would seem boastful. I believe that the only question that I can fairly ask involves the garage door Saturday noon. If it has no-way or go-away, then I'm going to hold C's hand. If it says Pam-might-reconcile-someday, then I'll have to cancel at the last minute or find a way to defer the romance for Pam's benefit.
Oh dear, I'm starting to lose that lovin' feeling. Pam isn't as important as she used to be. I think the heart can't handle the constant cruelty. She won't speak with me and lies about the reason. She's told my sons that it's illegal for them to speak to me. I am so proud of my elder son telling the Judge to remove him from any complaint Pam files, as he has a great father. The phone company called me at 1AM this morning to tell me that my account had been compromised and that someone had released one of my expensive phones--the one that I gave the younger son. I fear that he'd been mugged, but the protection order forbids me from contacting him or my wife.
My attorney doesn't seem to care about this. He's off negotiating my W out of the D suit. (Doing a great job, just not the one I wish we could be doing right now.)
C., A really fun, bright, young, attractive, supportive lady asked me out Saturday night. I didn't realize that it was a date until too late. (She's nine years my junior, so I didn't dream that I could merit such a woman.) I think I said, "Yes." to a group outing and got a romantic date instead. She even sealed the deal with a kiss on the cheek, in public no less. (I officially declare her to be only the second person to do so romantically, so don't think too badly of me.) So now I'm buoyed by the hope that there is a romance-filled life after Pam.
I thought about asking Pam about her feelings, but it would seem boastful. I believe that the only question that I can fairly ask involves the garage door Saturday noon. If it has no-way or go-away, then I'm going to hold C's hand. If it says Pam-might-reconcile-someday, then I'll have to cancel at the last minute or find a way to defer the romance for Pam's benefit.
Well, Pam signaled that she's not bothering to reply or that she never received the request.
C. called this evening just to check up on me. She was a bit worried that I had one mixed drink (that I sipped for over an hour) while eating a huge salad. My diabetes has really dropped off with the 50lb weight loss, so I wasn't too worried. (When I got back my sugar was 144.)
It's just a contrast.
C. who I've known for just over a month calls for the slightest concern.
Pam who I've known and loved for 30 years won't even check in with me when I'm in the CCU.
I remember Pam was better than C. just two months ago, and now this... Could it be an emotional breakdown? Should I treat her like an ill person and wait? Should I just GAL while waiting.
My crystal ball predicts only a month before C. will win my heart--if she want to.
Word in today... Pam has elected to stop at legal separation and not sue for divorce. Word was also in that she is just too scared to talk to me. What that means my lawyer did know (and apparently didn't care to ask.) Small steps are big deals.
The bad news was that my lawyer thinks that we could have a legal separation in weeks, if not days. I believe that I should slow down the process, even to the point of not agreeing to the terms in any Separation Agreement and forcing the issue into court. What are your opinions.
More changes... W sent word through her lawyer that she is officially retreating from D to just legal separation.
She also sent word that she's not ready yet to talk with me as she's too scared. This is a marked improvement from the fallacious claim that talking to me was illegal for my younger son (DS18) or her. (The protection order also prevents me from contacting DS18.)
(There was bad news this week. DS18 withdrew from university. I was glad to hear that he's in therapy. Perhaps once he completes that, he can return to his studies.)
Now I believe that we're seeing a pattern of change that would seem inconsistent with the WAW. I believe that a WAW feels that she's fallen out of love. We (elder son, my lawyer, and I) continue to hear about her love for me.
"Too scared to talk to H" would also seem to be different. What could she be afraid of, especially over the phone or through email? I suspect that she's afraid to either reconciling (She might fear that I would be persuasive.) or to face the guilt of the really horrible things she's done to me since filing suit for D.
To support her if the first is true, I regularly provide the promise that I will speak (or write) about only the topic she wishes to discuss and for only as long as she wishes.
To support her if the second in true, I have several times in writing stated that she has nothing to apologize for. This situation is my fault. I've cried a lot over what she did, but I have forgiven her (though my therapist seems to keep wanting to check on that).
I value your input... Don't hesitate to comment, to critique, or ignore. Thanks.
