ok bud, heres the zillion dollar question. do you EVER want your W back there? just asking, I am trying to figure out my stuff, so since some things with us are alike, do ya? and would ya teach me if he IS GONE how to not stress??
I don't think that I have the zillion dollar answer. Since we only live one day at a time; today I don't want her. I like living stress free. While we don't have a lot of conflict, there's still some animosity that I feel for her and what she's been doing. I like the freedom I have when she's not around. Why don't I feel like I have freedom when she's here? I don't know; I've got to work that out for me to fully detach. I also like the prospect of finding someone "normal." It's an exciting feeling.
It's hard to want someone when you feel that they have a personality disorder that cannot be cured; or they don't want a cure. It's hard when all you hear from her family is that she's been this way since age 10. It's hard when her own father says that I've been stupid and I'd be better off without her. It's hard when her sister tells me to cut my losses. It's hard when you know that they are still actively online searching for another. It's hard when you've been trying to save the family for years and you get hit with I just want out. So basically I think I've given up on all the things that I've done in the past to try and save the M. I've handed it over to God now. I started this DB'ing process and so far I've found ME and I've found that I'm eager for a new life.
But I still keeping looking for that miracle that turns it all around so my kids will have mommy and daddy under the same roof. That's why I haven't slammed the window yet. But if I had the money to start the process AND end it the way I want it to end; I would've already filed. So maybe this is God's way of slowing ME down; cause I'm ready for a new life. I'm sooooo tired of this one.
I just keep my eyes and head pointed forward, knowing that better days are ahead. That keeps me going. When she's not here, it's easy for me to focus on that. When she's not here, it blatantly tells me that I don't NEED her because I'm still breathing and the kids are happy. So I'm living proof that life goes on without a WAS.
The big key for me was when I stopped depending on her. Once I had mine and the kid's life set up where we could survive and operate without her; my stress went away. All the A's have jaded me over time, so the attachment to her isn't there for me. I'm not physically attracted to her anymore either. But if the miracle happens, maybe I could make the decision to come back. Right now, I'm not there.
