In fact yes. He was quite active on IM yesterday, and yes I know I was supposed to go dark on him...I didn't want him to know I'd taken time off of work though so was sporadically available. He is rightly worried about me damaging my career so I try to keep the fact that this situation is getting to me at work from him.
He reached out to say hi in the morning, but that he was busy and working on a presentation. Then he reached out a few hours later to say he'd gotten kudos on his presentation. Then again he reached out later to say something about my IM picture, and tell me how he didn't do much the night before but work on his homework and his presentation and go to dinner...
The last topic was business, and it was about someone coming here to repair the boiler. I was always polite in response but didn't offer any information beyond what was needed around the boiler repair.
Not sure what kind of communication I might see today. I think there is a possibility that H will panic a little wondering if I will be in the house when he gets back, so there is the chance that he will ask me about this. Am hoping not, but it's a real possibility.
Yes like you, I feel a little bit better. I am not so much happy as just less torn up right now. I don't feel as completely powerless as I did before.
I'm also looking forward to reading the Priya Kale blog. I have gone back through various big events over the past few months, and oftentimes they do seem to fit in well with her predictions and descriptions.
Hope you're having a good day (if you're even up yet!:))
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
H-wise it's been another confusing day I have to say...Did my usual sign into IM while I went for a walk and ran some errands. As soon as I came back, I got a message within 30 seconds, though just about the boiler. I was polite, said only Thank you, then nothing else. An hour later, I'm asked how the pets are, and he says he misses one of them. At this time I had purposely set myself to away as I was busy doing something. He follows up, "I know you are there". So about 10 minutes later, I respond. Then I left to get my hair done, a 2.5 hour ordeal...during this time he texts me and calls me by the indisputably sweet nickname "little" to ask about the boiler repairman.
I get home to more IMs about how he's sorry I had to wait home all day for the repairman (who incidentally is STILL not here as of nearly 5 PM), and "as a prize" he'll take me to the outlet stores this weekend...So I just said "outlet store" and used this silly emoticon next to it--no response.
So lots of granular detail, but my point is that I am SOOOO confused. I am still looking for inspiration about how to handle being/not being in the house now. I think I will definitely stay at least the next 3 nights at my friend's house, have already cleared this with her, but I hate the thought of having yet another conversation about this. I guess I'll just leave a note and ask him to let me know which day he wanted to go to the outlet store, and that I could come by on Saturday or Sunday but to let me know so I can make plans? I feel like he should directly ask me to stay at this point, and since I do have another place to stay at the moment, it's not that big of a deal to me...
Today is odd, not bad, just odd...
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
In fact yes. He was quite active on IM yesterday, and yes I know I was supposed to go dark on him...I didn't want him to know I'd taken time off of work though so was sporadically available. He is rightly worried about me damaging my career so I try to keep the fact that this situation is getting to me at work from him.
This stood out to me. You're trying to spare his feelings ... maybe try to make him stop feelings bad and guilty? You're putting him first again, it seems, and I would suggest putting yourself first. If he's worried that he is causing damage to your career tell him he's not, it's your career and it's really nto up to him to "fix" it.
Quote:
I guess I'll just leave a note and ask him to let me know which day he wanted to go to the outlet store, and that I could come by on Saturday or Sunday but to let me know so I can make plans?
It seems to me you're handing your power over to him again. You're letting him have his way of taking you to the store so he can appease his guilt. Let him live with it! The note would sound really apologetic, and also a bit like you're hanging around for those few crumbs of affection that he can spare you right now. I know what it's like to wait around for those! How about saying that the trip to the store would be great but you're hanging out with friends this weekend so another time?
A bit more LRT, a bit more letting go of him ... let him deal with his guilt. He was the one who said "stop the ride I want to get off" so let him feel what that really means, what it's really like. My H wanted a change too and felt the big guilt, but by me letting him feel his guilt (note I did nothing to add to it, i was in full on GAL mode and having a great time) he could come to terms with it and eventually he realised he didn't want this big separation he just wanted our M to change. which it did.
Does this make sense?
Bomb (ILYBINILWY, don't want to be married)Sept05 Seperated Sept/Oct 05 Oct 06 - H recomitted July 11 - I am now a WAW.
So you're right about the career thing. It's simply that I am worried if he sees things going badly for me, he will use it as another excuse about why he shouldn't be with me. His logic is so bizarre these days.
OK point taken on the note. I guess I hover between wanting to let him do things for me as I think it might actually boost his self-esteem (yes I know me looking out for him but a better self-esteem helps the R too...), and pulling back. I think in this case then I'll do something sort of in the middle. It will be hard for me, but I just won't mention the outlet stores at all. I am going to simply leave a note saying that I'll be at X's house. Then if he brings up the stores again in a timely fashion, like today or tomorrow morning, I could go, but if he waits until the last minute, I may put him off. Thing is that I am going to need to come here by Sunday and get some things if I don't stay, but I am truly giving up control this time and am not telling him that I'll be coming to stay or anything like that. I am confident that if I don't reach out, he will. I think every day this last week has shown me that. I also want him to see that he does not need to panic for me to give him space, and that I can make my own decisions around this as well...
Jen--you're totally right about letting him deal with his own guilt. I have been so in the mode of trying to help here as it's his guilt that seems to be talking every time he says something about me moving on or other similarly painful things. I was hoping that since the guilt is related to me, I could help with it. I will try your suggestion of somehow ignoring it...
Thanks as always for your support!
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
I left the house this morning with a suitcase full of clothes that could last 3-4 nights.
I left a note with bullet points about the things that were done around the house, i.e. litterbox, dogs being fed etc., and left some food for him for lunch. One of my bullet points just said "I'll be at X's house, hope you had a nice trip."
Am thinking that he would prefer specific dates for me not being at home, but in this way I was trying to show that I understood the need for space. I also didn't want to suggest any dates for being at home in case this came across as pressure. Sort of a can't really win situation I guess, so I took the option that seemed to be the lesser of 2 evils. If he follows up with me later on how long I'll be at my friend's house, I guess I'll play it by ear but tend toward staying pretty much indefinitely for the next couple of weeks, with the understanding that I will come and get stuff from the house every few days.
Hmm and while I was writing this I got a text from him, from the airport, just said "you are silly." It was in response to an SMS I had sent last night (only in response to him) joking that he was bad at racquetball and that I always beat him, but that he was good at golf (he had sent an SMS that he was very bad at squash).
Why is he so confusing??? Every contact over the past few days since he's been on his biz trip has told me that he wants to be with me, from the nice nicknames, to saying he missed the pets, to reaching out on an almost hourly basis...but I am sure that if I asked him directly, he'd say nothing had changed...
Anyway I know that nobody can answer my question around why he is so confusing, but just wanted to vent. Of course I'm glad that his actions tell me that he loves me etc., and I guess that for now I will just do all I can do to ensure that all interactions are positive, by limiting them and/or ensuring that he initiates them...
I suspect there will be more to come later this afternoon.
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
Morning ITH!! Wow yes your H is very confusing!! LoL I think you giving him his space is the best thing right now especially amid all the confusion.
It shows him that you are listening to his requests , not being controlling and you are not acting needy. It is going to be a tough road right now but I am confident that you are going to do great!!
I also think that it is a good idea that you let him deal with his own guilt and if he offers too late about the outlets you let him know that you already have plans. Do not sit around waiting for him, make plans with your friend this weekend to something fun and interesting.
Yes H is one confusing fellow...I am sure in his mind nothing has changed, so I will avoid asking him if it has!
After posting, I got 2 SMS messages, 1 when he landed in Dublin, the 2nd to tell me he was in the cab on his way home...
Then he got home and IMd me, said his throat was scratchy from the food I'd made, and suggested jokingly that I was trying to poison him.
He has made no reference to me staying at my friend's, which I think is a bit weird. It's just like now I'm not there, but he must wonder about me coming back! Ah who knows though, this is the H who panicked when he found out I was coming back from Poland and suggested I work in another foreign country for a few months :).
Anyway...I am sure there will be more cryptic contact later!
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
I am just very confused as to why H hasn't mentioned the fact that I simply left a note saying I was at my friend's, but not when I would be home or anything. I know I can't read his mind, but it's freaking me out a bit I have to admit. I have completely surrendered here in every way, and I am not sure whether I have put myself in a healthy or unhealthy place. I will have to go to the house this weekend to get more things, if nothing else. He hasn't asked me when I would be there, or suggested that I come on a specific day/time...
Then there's this outlet store thing, and this was our plan last weekend too which we postponed due to H's travel schedule, so I am not sure whether I should assume it's a set plan this time or not. I don't want to ask him about anything, but if I don't hear from him by Friday afternoon on this, at the very least I am going to have to mention coming by to get my things...
I really hope that this new strategy pays off. I am trying to give him what he wants in terms of space, give myself space to avoid his incessant R talks, and show him that I don't need to be in control. That said if he doesn't actually reach out about plans together, then I will have to go back to looking needy and contacting him...
Here's hoping that he does reach out first...
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
