T2L, thank you for that awesome summary. I am printing it so I can committ it to memory. Hope, it wasn't that you changed my mind with what you said, but it was a great observation that really made me think.
T2L I would have LMAO if you would have put a hickie on the other side of H's neck. That would have been hilarious!
Hope, I love your 180 with the outfits to show off your new figure. My H has also gained what I lost, and I love it! He asks all the time, do I look fat?
T2L I realized that I didn't master my mouth at all last night, even though he apologized up and down. My struggle is with my wedding rings. He noticed them off and seemed to be upset by it. He said "I know you always said I would be your husband (we talked once before he left about me being a stander)" and then got angry "I wondered when you would put them away". So I wonder, did he feel threatened that I had them off? Like for the first time he saw me moving on? Phoenixdeux said on another post that it's not a good idea to give guys the feeling they can let the A play out and then come home whenenver. And it seems by his comment that he remembered what I had said about standing and seeing the rings off shook his tree and made him mad. Like that option was off the table.
Maybe that's a good thing for him to think that I'm not going to wait around for him to see if the A works out, and I should keep the rings off?
Me:33, H:34 T10, M8 S4,S3,S9m ILYBINILWY 11/07 Separation 1 2/08-8/08 Back Home 8/08-10/08 Separation 2 10/08- Too many bombs to count:(
Glad everyone is getting out to vote. Just took my walk around the building about 1.5 miles - do once in the morning, once in the afternoon (everyone here smokes and spends all their time in the smoke shacks so I take off for 15/20 minutes for my powerwalk and to talk to myself and blow off steam!
All, you are making progress but detach detach detach from all of those conversations about OW. Next time H starts talking about dates, OW, internet - put your hand up and say "STOP", I am uncomfortable about having talks about your infidelity. Please respect my boundaries, we have to share a house but I do not have to share these conversations. It is disrespectful to me. (say this in front of a mirror ten times!) If this is what H wants to do -- do not act friendly because it is almost like you support it. As far as hugging, kissing etc, -- are you the one going in for the kiss or is it him? I would not approach them, they need to approach us. My opinion only.
Faith, I am lol about your H saying "do I look fat", that is EXACTLY what my H said on Friday. Instead of agreeing I said, you look fine and that is a really nice shirt you are wearing (admiration - top 5). As far as the rings, you need to decide if you want them on. It has to be our decision -- not theirs. They don't decide we do. I currently am wearing my ring, not sure if I will wear it when I go home for X-mas. Will worry about it then.
take care.
Me 53 H 50 D16, D29 M 22 years bomb 7/08 INH - alien pod replaces H 8/08 - OW (direct report), I work there also bomb II - H moves 10/1 expose ow 10/22 D to be final 9-09
ALLW8, By the way BRAVO!!!! Great GAL'ing everyone give her some kuddos for going to the dance class and even sticking her brave neck out and asking for help. You know why the teacher gravitated to you, because you are actually starting to feel more confident and that is a magnet. Sometimes people have so much rejection in them and on them that it actually pushes people away subconsciously but on the other hand there are people who exude confidence and ever notice how people are attracted to them? Same concept.
Gosh that's a hard question because I have implemented both. I am a huge reader. I can inhale a book in a week. I'm gonna say for you to go ahead and finish DB/DR. I think this is going to be more of an impact as the season is your season to find you and be that confident you and not because you are trying to please H but because life is too short to not just relax and be who you are.
I would daily take 15-20 minutes to read. Educate yourself as much as possible on the subject. If it's too hard in the day, read 15 -20 right before bed. The more you educate yourself on adultery and infidelity the easier it'll help you walk through this season.
As far as to hug or kiss or what ever. I say just be yourself. Do what is natural for you to do or anyone would know, does that make sense. A dog barks and cat meows because that is their nature and what they were created to do, they don't have to think about it. You were made a certain way and that's why its so important for you to be yourself and pull out the confident girl you are-BUT it's not for ANYONE ELSE but you. You are not GAL'ing for your marriage you and all of us are GAL'ing for ourselves and I bet if I ask all of you this is one this we all-myself included-did not keep in our life. WE all should have already been doing these things and investing in our selves.
Hope you go girl!!! Lift those weights and yoga your booty off! Awesome! I have always fluxed up and down with weight too but the one thing is whenever I went to the gym and did my weights I always maintained weight better and consistently. Your really gonna love your new body more and more. Very cool I'm glad your pants are huge-that's a prob that we like LOL!
Get a few new clothing items to go with it. Get some nice form fitting stuff and maybe something you might not normally get. If your not sure there is this show that my DD17 and I love called what not to wear and its amazing! It shows you have to dress for each body type. Its on daily.
Me-38 H-38 Married 18years Daughter-17 & Son-9 Discovery of EA/PA 4/23/08 Left home 5/08/08 Moved in with OW 08/01/08
The only rock I know that stays steady, the only institution I know that works is the family. -- Lee Iacocca
Lil tidbit I found ya'll might like....see below....
Wayward Spouses ALWAYS affair down. They NEED someone beneath them, who will admire them and give them feigned respect. Your husband is not seeking out the younger, better looking woman, he is taking whatever opportunity presents itself and meets his needs for sex, admiration, and boosts his self-esteem. SHE IS NOT SPECIAL. If she happens to be younger and pretty that is just the luck of the draw and a RARITY...most of the time it IS NOT the case. After reading here you will discover that the OW could have been anyone and your husband's choice of OW was not in any way an indication or indictment of you as a beautiful, attractive, desirable, intelligent, mature, moral, loyal, spiritual woman, wife and mother. OW is, I guarantee, no match for you.
Think of it this way, your husband is behaving low and dirty. Thus it necessarily takes a pretty low class woman to admire him at this point ... DO NOT allow this trash to rock your self confidence. You may or may not have let yourself go...but you can get it back and be the classy, beautiful, respectful, upstanding, Grade A woman you always were whereas the Other Woman WILL ALWAYS remain trash.
Do's 1. Act Happy 2. Get a life (new activities, etc.) 3. repeat over and over..."I will make it" 4. Actively LISTEN....keep conversations at "to the point...small talk" ...don't blow it up beyond the waywards current comfort zone 5. Tend to Agree (Thank you for your truthfulness, It seems that way, you have a point) 6. Expand your social relationships (Being especially aware of your own vulnerability and keeping sharing and time with opposite sex relationships to an absolute minimum) 7. Get sexy (gym, new clothes, etc) 8. Focus on your strengths and Positives...don't put yourself down verbally or constantly go over what you did wrong 9. Accept Uncertainty (Do your best today and let God take care of tommorrow)
DON'Ts
1. Repeatedly say "I love you" 2. Ask questions that don't have answers yet 3. Criticize, complain, whine or nag 4. Say, "I've changed"....allow the wayward spouse to simply judge your actions 5. Argue, Reason or Plead 6. Don't get family or friends overly involved in recovery (notice I said "in recovery", EXPOSURE to bust up an active affair IS ESSENTIAL and EXPOSURE to the OP's spouse is an absolute MUST) 7. Act helpless or depressed 8. Discuss morality, invoke God or Dr. Laura type babble 9. Suggest marital counseling (must be the waywards idea) 10. Tell them continually "we need to work on the relationship"
Last edited by Trying2live; 11/05/0802:35 AM.
Me-38 H-38 Married 18years Daughter-17 & Son-9 Discovery of EA/PA 4/23/08 Left home 5/08/08 Moved in with OW 08/01/08
The only rock I know that stays steady, the only institution I know that works is the family. -- Lee Iacocca
I LOVE you!!!! T2L, this was exactly what I needed tonight! My H's OW is 10 years older and plain. So true! He even admitted a month ago it wasn't a physical attraction, that she gave him comfort.
In response to Hope's and your advice, I have decided to keep my rings off. This signifies to me that I am continuing to move forward, away from that old relationship. H can join me in a new relationship or not. Regardless, I am going to continue to move forward for myself.
Tomorrow morning H is coming over to get the kids dressed and take them to school. I'm going to ask him to watch the kids tomorrow night so I can go out after work. No details, and just say thanks, that will be great!
Me:33, H:34 T10, M8 S4,S3,S9m ILYBINILWY 11/07 Separation 1 2/08-8/08 Back Home 8/08-10/08 Separation 2 10/08- Too many bombs to count:(
Hi T2L, good info that we all need and to live by. I was a little down tonight, with Colleen being at practice and it was so quiet at home. I had a good cry and then I realized all the things I needed to do as part of my GAL and get myself organized that this is going to be a long process. As long as I can hold H off from asking for D, I can continue working on myself.
I feel everyday that I am letting God take this over more and I have no control which is big for me.
The odds are 50/50 and I am a betting woman. Roll the dice
Me 53 H 50 D16, D29 M 22 years bomb 7/08 INH - alien pod replaces H 8/08 - OW (direct report), I work there also bomb II - H moves 10/1 expose ow 10/22 D to be final 9-09
As long as none of us get divorced and our H's don't remarry there is always a chance...the more we distance ourselves to relieve negativity we might get to where T2L is and want to be nice or start playing again.... but as you read other blogs.... even from Men - you have to do tough love at the beginning .... harder for me as I need my H to help with the kids so I have to have contact but trying to make it brief and pleasant and upbeat...
I'm off for the day - I'm in New Orleans on business .. I'll check back tonight.. I have a friend who's husband and my husband have talked and she filled me in on some stuff my H said right after the bomb dropped I'll update my thread tonight....
more later.
Me: 38/H:40 M:7yrs TG: 10yrs 2Girls: 4yr & 7 month old Bomb 8/22/08 OW/EA/PA 8/23/08 with 25yr old Moved out 9/22/08
Hi Txmom, will check your thread tonight. I go to a review meeting that my H attends today. Picked out my outfit like I was going on a date. My SIL told me to get him fired and divorce him! That is how upset she is with him. It's 2 weeks today that my D15 has cut off all contact with him. H also has not been called oldest D also and she is upset. He is in a besotted fog.
Me 53 H 50 D16, D29 M 22 years bomb 7/08 INH - alien pod replaces H 8/08 - OW (direct report), I work there also bomb II - H moves 10/1 expose ow 10/22 D to be final 9-09
Sorry for not jumping on sooner but I just moved this weekend and am finally situated in my new place with my D16 and my cousin who also lives with me. He is 17 and goes to school with my D16. His mom is my aunt and she lives in Puerto Rico right now and is trying to get transferred over here but is having a hard time doing so. Not to mention she is very ill right now so things are not going well for her.
It took me a bit to catch up on everyone! I am glad to see everyone is getting through their situations one day at a time.
I missed you all!
As for me well...on Friday (Halloween) is when I moved and I get a text from H asking about the D paperwork. I'm just like why does he have to do this today. He knew I was moving and would be very busy and he just had to try and ruin the excitement of me trying to move forward. I didn't let it get to me. I just ignored it and didn't respond. A few hours later he tries calling. I ignore the call. Then about an hour later while the movers are getting everything into the truck I text him saying "I'm really busy right now did you need something?" His response was "no...moving today?" I say "yes...very tired" He says "ok..I will talk to you later"
AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! I was so frustrated....anyways...I got past it and just kept working. It was a very long and exhausting weekend but needless to say all I have left is hanging stuff on the walls to make the place my own.
Then yesterday he starts up again. He calls while we are eating dinner. I ignore the call. About 20 minutes later I text him..
M - Got done eating whats up H - Need to talk to you about the divorce and the quinceniera this weekend M - i am doing briana's (the birthday girl) makeup and going to the church and reception H - ok...juan (his friend) wanted me to go but i probably won't...what about the divorce papers. I received a notice that we need to act or they will dismiss my claim. M - pls dont feel like u cant go if i am cause frank jr is your godson. i know them through you. H - they said they will have to officially serve you if we don't respond...do you want me to see if they will redraft the paperwork or do you want them to serve you and then go through the legal crap? H - i know that but i'm not going to cause a scene for briana...what about the papers? M - im sorry you feel that there would be a scene? i would not do that 2 her or anyone i cared about. i would hope you would think differently of me. its your decision of course. as for the papers, im not ready. do what you need to do. H - well since you won't respond i guess i will have to legally serve you...i guess we will just make this as hard as possible! H - ok...guess we are doing it the hard way...and i wouldn't be coming to the party alone...yes that would cause a scene..so im not going...just another friend i lost to you M - loosing ur friends has nothing to do with me. You did that on your own from the choices you have made. H - No!! you like to contact my family and friends and stay as close to them as possible!! you always have!! dont give me that BS!! M - the only person i have contacted is ur cousin to help me change the battery in the truck cause my dad couldn't do it & that was weeks ago. I don't contact anyone. There is no reason to. your mom will always be in my life for your daughter but i don't talk to her about u at all. so don't flatter yourself ok! M - lori (briana's mom) asked me months ago before all this to do her makeup. what was i suppose to tell her? im not going to lie. but dont worry i don't tell people all the details. people make there own choices. M - if this is what you truly want there is nothing i can do. only you can make that decision. only you know what is best for you.
And that was basically it...I know I back slid a bit in this conversation but I couldn't help it. I didn't mention anything about the OW though. I kept it between him and I.
So what is your take ladies? It appears he is dead set on making this D happen. Do any of you see hope for me? I do not contact him at all. I have been dark for a while. It was only 3 weeks ago when we had our encounter and then he text me 2 weeks ago at 145am asking if I had gone out.
My hunch is that OW is pressuring him saying she cant be in a relationship like this or that she is having second thoughts so he is doing whatever he can to keep her.
Should I just be done? I'm with many of you where my heart says no but my mind says yes. Although when he does stuff like this my love bank depletes for him and I lean towards moving on versus fighting for this marriage. I feel like I would be fighting for it alone.
Me35/H35 D16/SS14 M-1yr/known H 18yrs 1st Bomb: 4/26 OW35 2nd Bomb: 8/17 OW21 Moved out 8/21/08 H filed D on 9/9/08
God determines who walks into your life...it's up to you to decide who you let walk away, who you let stay, and who you refuse to let go.
{{{{{{{{{{{Marisol}}}}}}}}}}}, you were really missed. Twinhope and JGrind have not been around also. Glad you had a good move. I still have boxes from almost 2 years ago. LOL
So H is pushing the big D. Don't make it easy for him. You have to ask yourself -- do you want to be done. We decide they don't. It is a rough road, and I question myself every day. Should you be done? I can't answer that for you. I want all of our marriages reconciled. That is what I pray for everyday.
When I look that at your timeline your H had the first A in April and then takes up with 2nd A in august. It has only been 3 months with the new A. Have you exposed the A to his family/friends. Do you know her parents?
As far as the party -- you have every right to go. H was trying to put you on a guilt trip. You can go and hold your head high and have dignity. H is the one with the dirty little secrets.
Me 53 H 50 D16, D29 M 22 years bomb 7/08 INH - alien pod replaces H 8/08 - OW (direct report), I work there also bomb II - H moves 10/1 expose ow 10/22 D to be final 9-09
