Thank you so much for your support. Hope I have to say your comments about what I said reverberated in my head all day yesterday. It's like what T2L said, my head says end this and my heart wants to keep going. More on me in a minute.
I want to respond to all your posts. I took notes so I wouldn't forget:) Txmom-I feel like we have nearly identical situations. Our kids are the same ages and the A has lasted the same amt of time. I'm going to encourage you not to ask for details. It only hurts you. I made this mistake even last night. It sucks and it only haunts you over and over. I wish I could take it back a million times over! Also, I went through the kids staying at his apt stage. It sucks, no way around it. We called his place "the playhouse". Any night they slept there I tried to make my own plans b/c sitting in your family home with no family is rough. And it feels like you are the one being punished instead of him. Not fair. I began to actually enjoy the activities I planned and stayed in touch with friends, so I became more positive overall. Actually, I'll admit when he moved back home I missed my freedom to do that stuff! Crazy!
Hope, I agree with you about getting a new counselor. Mine only listens, too. I want someone who can offer solid advice (wait, that's what you guys do! Maybe I don't need a new one . . .)
T2L, I appreciate what you said about when in doubt do nothing. Also, I really need to limit our interaction right now, b/c yesterday I really was beginning to hate him. Last night was rough.
I went until evening without talking to him, and then just put kids on the phone to say we were on our way home. He got home before me, had checked the call history on the phone, my computer, etc. I always clear my history every day, so he doesn't know I blog here. But, I don't know what he was looking for.
Anyway, I get the kids settled for dinner and I say I'm going upstairs to shower. I just couldn't be in the same room with him for very long. After the kids went to bed he sits down, I say I really don't want to talk. He says will you just listen for a second? I'm thinking this is a bad idea, but I stand by the stairs and don't look at him. He starts talking about how he didn't realize OW seeing kids would hurt me so much, just 45min in a diner, didn't touch her etc. I can't remember exactly what he said, but I got drawn in and responded. From there it got UGLY. We said things we had never said to eachother. Just angry stuff. I said he was a come and go dad. He belittled my faith, etc. We signed out separation agreement (which he had printed out that day-OW is a lawyer and I think is advising him), only after I said I wouldn't sign it until he added something about not bringing OW around kids until we both agreed. He said fine and added it. He noticed right away that I wasn't wearing my rings and said angrily, "you finally took your rings off, I'm glad. I was wondering when you would do that. What, are you in love with someone? Fine, good for you (yelling)." What was that about? Sounds like it hurt him to see my rings off and he certainly doesn't like the idea of me with someone else, you think? I told him to leave, he did.
Two seconds later, he came back in. I'm sorry about everything I said out of anger. He goes on to say that he loves OW, imagines being married to her one day (that sucked to hear). I said, have you told her that? He says NO! I say, she wants a life of you being constantly connected to all of us? He says yes, with a smile on his face. Looks so happy. I feel like I'm being blotted out of my own life! My own fault for asking questions, didn't need to know his details-even if they do seem imaginary. He says our bigges problem is, are you ready for this, he can't open up to me. And, he can be open with her. He says I've done a better job listening lately, but he just feels like he can't talk to me. Says loudly "I don't love you! We are not getting back together when I get back!" This is something I have never even suggested, so I can only think that it runs through his mind. My friend says she thinks he does a lot more imagining his A than actually doing. He's never with her! He claims he is a good dad and doesn't email when he's with the kids, would like to spend some nights sleeping at home with them before he leaves (with me elsewhere). So that's more time without her. And, they haven't been physical yet. He said he would tell me about that(I believe him, and I'm dreading that day). So what's the point of this? Why is he dragging his feet?
He says: If I had known how upset you would have been about her coming to breakfast I would have never done it (well he did know, so whatever). I never want to hurt you, I will spend every day trying to rebuild your trust and regain your friendship. You are one of the most important people in my life and I know I have more issues in this than you do. I said I have done nothing but behave with integrity, covered for you, supported you and even championed your goals during this whole process. I know I will feel pain from this my whole life, but so be it. I say-don't you ever get upset that this didn't work out? He says I think about that all the time.
From there, he leaves again, calls me twice from the car - same deal-hoping to build trust and friendship. Saying he's sorry.
Any dim sparks of hope in this nonsense? Sandi, you once said you thought our situation was hopeful. If you're around, do you still think so? He said he could see that I was doing things for myself lately and he liked it. I guess he noticed the GAL.
I do think I'll put my rings back on. I took them off out of anger, and truly I am committed to the promise I made before God. I am a stander. I won't make a big deal about it but they are going back on.
What should I do now? Limit interaction? Try to be friendly and feminine again? That seemed to be working last week with the "honey"s in our conversation and going in for the kiss by accident. What do you think?
Me:33, H:34 T10, M8 S4,S3,S9m ILYBINILWY 11/07 Separation 1 2/08-8/08 Back Home 8/08-10/08 Separation 2 10/08- Too many bombs to count:(
