Another one bites the dust (2)

[LL44]

I read the book "Surviving the Affair" by Harley

That book and "Not Just Friends" were eye openers to me. Hard to read, but also very very enlightening. Textbook affairs, huh?

OW was the oppositve of me too. Weird, huh?

Apparently if you hang out in the Divorce section, guys think you are fair game

lol!!!

[~Sol]

Today I feel more at peace. I dont know why I do, but am glad that it is there.

You had me at "at peace".

So glad you are doing better BH. I remember our past talks on here, and every one of you helped me through. It got too painful for me to keep posting, so that's why I haven't for a while. Now I am OK with myself, and the healing still continues. It always will. Well just enjoy those days that bring you peace - they are blessings!

I am also impressed by how you handled yourself and your stbxh on that trip. You seem very disciplined and it made an impression on me. I need to do what you do with my X.

[No Longer BH]

Yes, lwb, you should meet me at the Brentwood Borders to get picked up. Its a great PMA moment! I could not believe it. It put such a big smile in my heart.

Sol....that is very sweet of you. I dont always feel at peace. Sometimes there is rage as well. It is getting less and less. I am trying to just move on to a different future than I thought I was going to have. I look at eash peaceful day as a blessing. Seems there are more "blessings" coming my way. Each week I see progress. Still, I would never have chosen to be here. Thank you so much for taking the time to check back in with me. How are you doing? I undersatnd the "too painful to post". There have been times I have had to take a break as well. When you are ready to come back, let me know and I will be there for you.

[Ready2Change]

*HUGS*

[Gypsy]

Hello Ms. Heart..

Strange.. spouse went for a single woman 17 years younger, tall, blonde, no children, reportedly gorgeous and athletic who has a professional job where he also works. Complete opposite but it seems he moved up in the female department, at least on paper.

On my side, I feel better than I have in years though I get really wobbly when I think of the lack of financial security. That could just be my way of feeling bad though.

Enough about me!

Good for you on the progress and growth you're making!

Are you still broken hearted?

*hugs*

[No Longer BH]

Took a little break to focus my mind other places. I need some advice and am hoping that all my wonderful friends can tell it to me straight. I have let go of my STBXH, totally dropped the rope. As much as it did pain me to except that our marriage was over, I knew it was the healthy thing for me to do. I have had family members and friends tell me I need to go on a date, meet some new guys just to be friends with. This will give me confidence and help me see that there are good guys out there when I am ready for a relationship, kind of like rebuilding trust in men. Let me just say here, as long as I am married, though, I WILL NOT BE ENVOLVED ROMANTICALLY WITH ANY MAN. So, Thurday I took the plundge with my mechanic guy (the friendly guy who asked me out over the summer but I declined back then). I made it very known that I was NOT looking for a R, just a male friend. We went out for drinks and talked.

Ok, first of all, he is NOT someone I am attracted to (but he is an attractive guy, just not my type) so I felt safe going out with him....if that makes any sense. Our conversation was very easy, like we had been friends for a very long time. I was really enjoying the evening when half way through he confides that he has had a crush on me for a few years now. <Sigh> My heart kind of sunk. That is not what I wanted to hear. I told him I was flattered and that was sweet but I was in no position to start a R with anyone, I had a long way to go before I would even consider the possibilty of "dating". I am only looking for buddies. He agreed and said that he was fine with being my firend and that there was no pressure, and who knows where things might go. <Sigh Again> I said that they could not go any where because I was only looking for a friendship. Over all it was a pleasant evening, but I left knowing that this guy has a crush on me and is going to want to try and "win" me at some point. That is not at all what I want. So, my question to you is: Is the Harry met Sally rule true? Men and Women can not be just friends? If I continue going out with him, will he eventually get upset because he will feel like I am stringing him along even though I made it very clear that I only want a friend. I feel like I just have to walk away from him in order to spare his heart damage by me. I never want to hurt anyone. Guess I learned my lesson...dont go out with men until I am ready to actually date.

All honest answers are very welcome. I am so new to this and very niave. Only dated my H back when I was 17 so I am kind of clueless. Thanks all!

[Ready2Change]

Hi BH,

You let him know your boundary. He told you his. Boundaries can change. As long as boundaries are not getting crossed, accept the relationship as it is.

This time is for YOU to grow. I have been "practicing" interacting with women. My goal is to get new habits I can use with W (or in next R). I do not need a R with OW right now. I would believe OM in your life would complicate things. I go out with "no intentions /no expectation" and enjoy the company of OW.

*HUGS*

[~Sol]

BH
I'm glad I found your post before I went to work. (I'm actually late in getting out to vote...lol, I'll go at lunch). I'm going to give you my take on this.

You are NOT ready to date. From reading your post I can sense you are still vulnerable, and the last thing you need is another complicated R with someone that is kind of your friend. I agree that you need friends, but if you confide in the opposite sex too much you will slip, fall in "lust", and make a mistake. I hope that another female will jump on in here, but as a guy, I have made those mistakes - taking on a new R too soon when I knew I shouldn't, but things "just happened" when I knew better. You need a whole lot of TIME for yourself now.

I think it's cute also that this mechanic guy has a crush on you, but you even said it yourself - he's not your "type". On top of that, you're not completely healed! You still have wounds to recover from, but trust me talking to a good looking guy that already professed his "crush" on you is no way to be handling this. I hope I'm not being too harsh on you, I'm just being bluntly honest here, and I'm speaking from experience as well. Frankly, I'm not too sure about the opposite sex being the "buddies" we confide in. I usually go to a male friend but someone that can understand where I'm coming from. When you start to mix the sexes and talk about R's and the past hurts going on, well that's the same as removing a scab when it was healing, only exposing the wound to more pain.

Even if you hang out with a male friend, it's still going "out with a man". I would keep this mechanic guy at a distance now, trust me. He only wants to get into a R with you which is obvious, and something you DON'T need at this time in your life. You have just accepted that your M is over and let your H go. So now you are in a transition phase, and it's not the right time to get involved with a guy whether its "innocent" or not. You need to get through this transition, get completely healed so you CAN have a healthy R in the near future.

Please keep him at a distance, don't string him along because that's EXACTLY what will happen. And you know very well that if a R "happens" and doesn't work out, or you feel like you've made a mistake, it will only hurt you. I'm not too sure that he will make a good friend if he has romantic feelings for you, ya know? It's just a dangerous mix. You have helped me along in the past, and still do, and I appreciate it greatly. I hope that I am helping you now.

[Sara]

BH,

I'm of the other opinion. I do think that men befriend women because they always hope the relationship will change into something more, but that doesn't mean that it will. The woman controls the relationship. If she wants friendship, that's what it will be. If he weren't interested, there wouldn't be any conversation at all. I've always had a few male friends, I didn't have to avoid them because I knew they would like to have sex with me. I just had to not make opportunities for that to happen.

[~Sol]

I just wanted to interject something here. It might be so that in modern American culture the woman controls the relationship, but I believe this facet of modern relationships to be un-spiritual. I'm not knocking off what women should do in a relationship, but I do believe that a man is supposed to lead - if he is a spiritual, godly and just partner/spouse. I know most men don't fit that description, which is sad. And I also respect when a woman says "no", any man should respect and honor that (heck, maybe we wouldn't have so many divorces!)

All I'm saying here is that marriage, as well as relationships, is supposed to be a sacred thing, not just a piece of paper as I thought it to be at one time.

What does your gut tell you to do BH?