NW - Dadman would be fine by me... I just read through your most recent thread...and tried to share some thoughts...
It took me a long time to achieve the PMA I have right now...and, oddly enough, having her move out on Saturday, has made me aware of a lot of things very quickly...some of my perceptions may/will change in the weeks ahead, but I do know for certain that I had somehow vanished a bit through my marriage...
...I opted to stay home tonight and spend my first night by myself...officially...as my T told me today, "you only do it for the first time once." and so here I am...wondering why I am so at ease and so calm. It's peaceful in here - and though my W was rude when she came to pick up our baby after work - it didn't bother me. I got to have a nice evening with baby - playing with some gifts that came in the mail for him, reading him some books (a dozen times), helping him learn more Spanish (I speak with him only in Spanish), and then dribbling a ball around the living room. I'll be picking him up from daycare every day (as I've done since he started going to daycare when he turned 1) - and so I'll have a few hours with him every day of the week - which is a relief.
I still have this heavy emptiness in my chest - but I'm accepting it as the wound that has to heal - as the hole left that my W used to fill - and which I now must fill on my own. One thing I know for certain is that I cannot put that burden on my kids - I am their father - and my job is to support them no matter what is happening inside of me...
I'm continuing to do the 180s for me - and myself - reaching out to people, networking, and getting out of my head more often than usual. Yesterday I taught my S11 how to sit Zazen - and have decided to take it up again - I used to teach zazen years ago - and just kind of let it drop out of my life...and I had forgotten just how peaceful it feels to stop thinking about my thoughts for 15-45 minutes every morning.
My W isn't one for consistency...something that would come up in funny ways when I would find myself standing in front of the fridge shuffling items around...(she says I am OCD)...But I like having something be routine - like getting up each morning and sitting zazen for a while before attacking the rest of the day...That's the weird thing about working as a freelance writer - I just don't have any sort of schedule...and I've only recently realized just how much it helps me to have a more set schedule...so that's on the agenda...
