May I ask how long you've been married, how old you two are and if you have children and what their ages are? You haven't told us very much in that area. Sometimes it helps us just to get a better picture of things.
Was there some other problems in the M before you suspected an affair going on?
Have you read the DR book or just the threads here on the board. I don't think you understand what "going dark" is all about. There are two ways of approaching this stitch, you can go the DB route and go by all the do's and don'ts and outshine the OM and "wait" until she finally comes out of the fog and decides she wants the better man.....which is you. Or, you can confront her and deal with the results of that, which can go either way....she could walk out after knowing you know about the affair, or she could be remorseful and end the affair. It is a gamble either way. I personally am not in favor of exposing the affair to other people unless it is the absolutely last resort. If they flaunt the affair openly and you have children and parents that could hear from others, then that is something to consider. Otherwise, I personally believe it is a matter that needs to be dealt with between the couple. If there is a chance of a STD and the OM is M, then I think it only fair to alert his W. But, you need to be prepared for anything to happen as a result of telling anyone. It depends on your lifestyle, if you live in a small community, if you are involved in a church, if your family is well known in your town. There are a lot of people to consider....other than just the ones in the affair. If the affair has been kept secret, then maybe it can be resolved (ended) without innocent people (like the extended family) being embarrassed and humiliated in public. If you confront your wife and tell her that if the A is not ended that you will tell the family......it might cause her to stop out of fear of their rejection or disappointment in her. You just never know how a person will react to a "threat". She could go either way. I don't like the idea of H's or W's exposing the A to "everyone" they know just to pressure them to end the A. They may stay in the M with you, but what kind of R will you have? Although, some claim it has worked, but I think there are some rough bumps in the road afterward....IMHO.
I know I haven't helped. Just given you more to consider. These are just my thoughts, for whatever it's worth.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
